How can I process my grief?

ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: When you meet a person who has lost a loved one - is there a sentence you always say first?

Jutta Rust-Kensa: It does not exist because every situation is different. Some people seem petrified, others talk a lot, some wait for a while. It's just my attitude, which is always the same: I accept what's there. I'll pick up the mourner where he is.

The 66-year-old is a psychotherapist and responsible for training as a mourning companion at the Hamburg Institute for Mourning Work.

How can we imagine this "pick up"?

Many mourners feel that they are no longer normal, as if thrown off track. Above all, in my opinion, they need the certainty that everything they are experiencing and experiencing right now is in order.

You said that every person reacts differently. Is there still something that unites everyone?

The life situations of the mourners are very different and the ways in which the loved one has died. Was it an accident or a long illness? Do I stay alone or do I have a family? I think that for many mourners the death of their loved one is a turning point. There is always a "before and after" - the time for one's life changes.

How do you respond to mourners who want to "work" quickly again?

We point out that it makes more sense to deal with the grief. But we are not pushing anyone. We offer to come to us. Sometimes, however, it only looks to the outside as if the mourner were displacing something. There are people who can not help but be active. They go dancing or shopping and the environment frowns. This is not an ignorance, but an expression that this person is injured and can not face it yet. These people must first actively do things they have always taken hold of.

So should mourners listen to themselves?

Yes exactly. That starts with the question: How do I want to bury? If I design the funeral in such a way that it rewards my partner, my mother or my child, that is the right decision. No matter what people say. It does not always have to be three church songs and one biblical text if it does not suit the person. It brings a stronger inner peace and a good memory to follow one's wishes.

Does self-determination help in the first phase?

Yes, it creates the feeling of "I have done well". We also encourage you to actively say goodbye. For example, if a relative has died in the hospital, he may be taken home by the undertaker and may say goodbye in peace. Many people do not realize that this is possible and allowed. Undertaker Fritz Roth once said: "It's about understanding death." It also has a sensual side. To understand that a person no longer lives, rituals are important. This can be a farewell at home or a funeral.

When a person dies, relatives often struggle with conflicting feelings: desperation, anger, or the desire to live happily: how can you sort all this out?

The best thing is to talk to someone who is close to you. A mourner should never say that he is not allowed to talk about it. If friends are missing, there are grief groups to turn to. Mourning together also means finding rituals, going to the cemetery together, lighting a candle and talking about the deceased.

But do you not overstrain your friends if you keep bothering them with the same feelings?

Who wants to relieve his friends, is in good hands in mourning groups. But our experience shows that it's not always the same feelings. By speaking and understanding things change. And if it does not change, that is a sign that the death of one's fellow man has not yet been understood. In this case, therapy can be helpful. A death can bring up other losses that you did not even think about.

There are also other painful losses in life: separations, divorces, layoffs. Is there any advice from the funeral work that can help?

The feelings are similar. For example, a loss of home, a loss of physical integrity - all this triggers sorrow. The only thing you can guess here is to talk about it and handle it carefully. To say that these feelings are justified. Job loss is also a shock. It's like a crack in the ground you're standing on. And here too, one can not prepare for grief. When it happens, it is unbelievable. Even if you had guessed it before.

Is mourning ever over?

It used to be said that mourning is over after one year and therefore has introduced the year of mourning. Today we give no time limit. Some people, especially parents who have lost a child, say that they even want to keep the grief a bit longer. Even if they live a full life. It is then like a memory.