Family work: "How we managed to distribute it more fairly"
Monday, 6.15 clock, the alarm rings, I have not showered yet? and already knee-deep in the Dispo, From the kitchen I hear the voices of my husband and children. Since six they sit at the breakfast table, which my husband has covered before.
Everything as always, but one thing is different today: Before I go straight to them, I will draw two strokes in the table that I prepared yesterday. In the left column is my name, it is still empty, on the right the name of my husband, because the lines come down. Because today is the first day of an experiment: One week I will track our family work, For every quarter of an hour that my husband or I take care of or cook, clean, etc. for our children, five and seven, there's a dash. On Sunday is counted: who has more?
Women do twice as much unpaid care work as men do
"Such a nonsense!" Groaned my husband as I told about it. "We have so much stress anyway." Right. But I finally want to know where we stand.
Actually, our goal is that of most young parents: We both want to do the same - because both of us want both: job and family. Who does how much, is still our most frequent topic of controversy, "I'll do everything anyway!" our both standard argument. If one believes that laundry laundry is based on studies on the subject, it is clear who is right. Recently, the DIW Berlin calculated that women in couple households on average pay twice as much unpaid care as men; Even with women with full-time job, the gap is wide. And it is especially big with young families, so with us.
That this is highly political is understood by who thinks about what else women could do in this time. Learn how to train, make a career, make money - as their partners usually do. The gender care gap, ie the difference between the care work of women and men, is an important reason for wage and pension gaps. How he would close is therefore discussed intensively. There are books and blogs on the 50/50 model, Facebook groups hosting tracking challenges. And from today: my husband, me and the tally. How fair is it with us? What could we do better?
We found ourselves reasonably progressive
While I shower (third line for him), I review our history: Our start was ambitious. The parental leave we shared in the ratio of two (me) to one (he) - of 50/50 that was far away, compared to the German standard (she stays at home for twelve months, he two, if any) we felt very much anyway progressive.
But as soon as we got back to work, we slipped into the 08/15 model of young families: As a freelance journalist I had more flexible working hours than full-time job, so I took the daily pick up from the crib, then bought a washed laundry , made supper, cleaned up ... took the kids to the daycare and did what I did not do.
Instead of 50/50, this was at best 70/30, in his favor. There were melodramatic discussions, popping doors, changing babysitters - until we agreed on the borderline that we still hold to this day, even though I only work 30 hours now (he 36): I have my hat off with children and underwear , He with everything else. "Hats up" means: We keep an eye on all appointments in our areas, delegate tasks to the partner or external helpers such as cleaning lady or babysitter, but: We take full responsibility.
Giving up tasks means accepting that your partner does not do everything the way you do
Fortunately, we have done something intuitively intuitively. Says at least the family blogger and 50/50 coach Patricia Cammarata, from whom I got tips before my experiment. For having all-in-one - also known as mental load - is often more time-consuming than doing the actual thing, but it is mostly women who take over.
Cammarata therefore considers it the "sticking point" of any fair division, even from personal experience. "My ex-husband always blamed me, 'What are you upset with, I'll do anything you tell me to do!' But that was our problem: The responsibility was always with me, whoever wants relief must be able to surrender it, but that also means accepting, if the partner does not do everything as you do. "
Luckily I have no problem with that: After filling the children's lunch boxes (I), I cycle to the office at 7.30. The next three quarters of an hour, in which my husband cleans up the kitchen and brings the children to school and daycare (III), he masters sovereign, I'm sure. Others do not. Girlfriend M., for example, always checks the seat of the diapers when her husband has wrapped the baby. Colleague K. folds sweaters her friend puts in the closet, always new.And a professor I once interviewed confessed that she looks after every time her husband brushes, "He has other cleanliness standards."
The trap: Unconsciously we want to fulfill gender norms
It always makes me a bit baffled: do not these women notice that they shoot themselves in the leg with it? Unfortunately, it is not that easy, says Frankfurt sociologist Sarah Speck, who researches the behavior patterns of women and men: "We may be enlightened, but unconsciously there is often the pressure to fulfill certain notions of femininity or masculinity Often the success in the job For women the idea, the home must be picobello or you yourself the perfect mother In addition: Many women actually go more attentively through the apartment - simply because they had to help as a girl or alone to master the parental leave.
It is difficult to break up such patterns. "Maybe fathers who take two months parental leave, according to a study by the RWI Leibniz Institute for Economic Research, would spend half an hour more on the household than with parental leave Fathers who continue to work, that could be expanded!
And another insight I draw from Speck's words: My husband and I beat out of style. I feel the more comfortable, the more chaotic our living room looks like. He relaxes only when everything is empty and clean. That's probably fine for our tracking record. Not for our relationship: we constantly argue about my stuffed bag - albeit compared to other couples with wrong roles. Is it true, as a Norwegian study suggests, that couples sharing housework tend to split up as couples with a traditional division? Nonsense, finds Patricia Cammarata. "Couples do not split up because of the conflicts, but because the women in the 50/50 model are often financially less dependent, but see your conflict as an opportunity: move towards each other, become a true team!
Without our experiment, family work would hardly be visible
Okay, then I'll clear my bag in the next few days. A mini-ride, but the mood improves immediately. At least until Friday evening. Since I draw intermediate balance - and think first, I have miscalculated: 17 hours with me, 10.5 with him - because of 50/50! What's going on there?
I'll take a closer look. The majority of my strokes is green, so it stands for the area "children". Logical: Except for the afternoon, which my husband took over, I picked up the pickup (IIII IIII II), sorted during the dance course of my daughter with my son in the locker Pokémon cards (IIII), was with both at the ophthalmologist (IIII III) "Fighting with my son three times" Compute to 20 "(III) and the piano piece" Cuckoo "(III), made dinner four times ate, ate with them, cleaned up and made the next playdates for them via WhatsApp (IIII IIII IIII I), brushed her teeth four times (IIII), scolded at length as often, because everything lasted so long (II), read four times "Pippi Longstocking" before (IIII). And after that, most of the time I sat down at the computer to answer urgent emails that I had not managed to leave before leaving the office at 3:15 pm. After that I was k.o. - but the result of a work barely visible. Other than the bulging bags that my husband brought back from shopping.
There is noise at the weekend
That evening, I'm putting all the kids' activities into the digital calendar we both have access to. Visibility: check. Mental load: reduced. And if the balance does not change until Sunday, we can set what he takes me the same way. I am easily reconciled.
But then it's the weekend, and it starts, as so often, with a huge grunt about the question of who is allowed to jog first and who in the time plays babysitter. Sure: you could clarify in advance. But that's exactly what we do not do on the weekend, because we cling to the ideal of our pre-natal age: Starting on Saturday, you can skip the routines of everyday life. What is difficult, if the everyday life, ie the children and their needs, not dissolve in the air.
Pleasing, on the other hand, my husband is catching up. He persistently works his way down, shops, cooks, takes away the trash, goes swimming with the children. His number of hours is growing - to 20.5 on Sunday evening, I have 22. Hurray, almost tie! Honey, we are the dream team!
Employers usually go out of the sole earning marriage. That parents share the care work does not seem to be foreseen.
Two things are disturbing though: I almost only have green "child" lines. This means that our distribution is fair - but very traditional. Do I really want my kids to save that as a norm? There we have to go again. In addition, our time as a couple went completely under. Should we plan the jogging in advance? Sounds unromantic, but may have very romantic effects.
A result of the experiment: We meet with more respect
Anyone who wants to persevere 50/50, would have to adjust the layout anyway, says Stefanie Lohaus, who published the first 50/50 field report with "Papa can also breastfeed" in 2015 and continues to pervade the model to this day.More important than the question of how to distribute the work, she therefore finds that the society is changing: "Employers are still mostly from the single earner marriage.The fact that parents share the care work, does not seem to be planned.This has to change Families need more time because this work is important. "
I agree. The more urgent that you finally make them visible, be it by tally. With my husband and I, tracking made us face each other with more respectTwo hard-working care workers who do not do "always everything," but quite a lot - and know: the other too. Others may be in more lumps since the balance is not quite as balanced. But exercise is not the worst thing for a relationship. So, count. It is worth it ..
Discuss with! Cleaning, shopping, child care? Many parents want to split this work into a fairer way and fail. What experiences do you have with the distribution of the care work? Do you have any good tips for other parents? Interchange in the ChroniquesDuVasteMonde community!
