Expert explains: This is how love keeps in everyday life!

ChroniquesDuVasteMonde WOMAN: Professor Bodenmann, how long have you been married? GUY BODENMANN: 27 years old. And still happy.

Do you simply make fewer mistakes as a psychology professor? Or have you found the secret of a long-term happy relationship? (laughs) You learn a lot from therapy and research, which you can apply in your own everyday life.

For example? Why is every other marriage divorced today? Triggers are often changes that have a profound impact on life: reorientation, relocation, removal of children, retirement, infidelity. These stressful events trigger a divorce - but only if the partners are dissatisfied with their relationship anyway.

Where does the dissatisfaction come from, what role does stress play? He obviously is constantly increasing for us all in everyday life. We distinguish between two forms of stress: microstress, that is, everyday stress, and macro-stress, which are intense, profound life events. The latter either weld a couple together, or they break the relationship for good. The stress of everyday life erodes all partnerships. The couples suffer from the accumulation of stress. Especially 30- to 50-year-olds are in this stress corset. At some point, the worm is in partnership. Then, as we see in studies, even couples who could work well together, because stress has undermined their relationship, diverge.

As part of his scientific work Guy Bodenmann has developed a program for couples to manage stress and care for the partnership. Information about these "Paarlife" courses at www.paarlife.de

Read more: "What makes couples strong" by Guy Bodenmann and Caroline Fux (224 p., 33.90 euros, Observer Edition 2013); "Strong against Stress" by Guy Bodenmann and Christine Klingler (256 p., 33.90 euros, Observer Edition 2013)

Why does stress do so much damage in relationships? Chronic stress causes the partners no longer have time for each other, no shared experiences to strengthen their biopic. Everybody lives their own life, suffering from the we-feeling, which is essential for the success of a partnership. Lack of time also changes the communication. We rush up faster, make sarcastic remarks, are more intolerant, more reserved. We rarely exchange when stressed out, looking for quick fixes for problems and refrain from addressing what really bothers and preoccupies us.

Many women complain that their husband never listens to them. Because they are nagging. This annoys men. The heightened vocal range causes them an unpleasant arousal, they retire, come home later, disappear in front of the TV. Women then complain even more, a vicious circle. Stress increasingly shows our bad sides, we become dominant, rigid. Suddenly we see the partner break up these other pages, the negative in the partnership is increasing, positive.

Less nice gestures, less praise, less sex. Less compliments, less hugs, no kiss goodbye. The friendly demeanor that couples in love with are excessively stunted. Destructive behavior makes a relationship uncomfortable. And over time, physical and mental well-being and sexuality suffer.

Because stress destroys lust? Men often reduce stress through sexuality. But women lack the pleasure of stress. Then a conversation would be good to solve the stress node. Only then can a woman enjoy sex, otherwise he becomes a must-have for her, maybe even painful. Sexuality is negatively charged, the frequency decreases even further, the dissatisfaction even further. Sexuality is a sensitive gauge of the quality of a relationship. Lack of libido, especially of the woman, a lull in bed, which is not organic, are always warning signs.

How can couples still recognize that stress puts their relationship at risk? When they find that they have alienated, that's always a serious sign. The danger of everyday stress is that couples do not notice for a long time, in which dynamics they are. The accumulation of negative experiences is a creeping process. Female nagging is therefore an important indicator: partnerships in which women never express themselves critically have a high divorce risk. The adequate criticism of the woman is favorable in the longer term, because she wants change.

So the nagging has a function. Yes. And the sooner you realize something is going wrong, the better. If the relationship is too bogged down, you see everything only through negative glasses. Then the partner can do what he wants.If he comes home with flowers, for example, the woman immediately thinks that he is doing this from a guilty conscience.

What do you recommend to couples, so that it does not even get that far? They should try to be better at dealing with stress in their partnership. Most of the stress has nothing to do with the relationship, we bring it home, from the office, from the street. But this extra-group stress often generates stress within the couple. When the partner realizes that the other is coming home irritated, he thinks: he or she no longer loves me. A fatal miscalculation.

So do not refer to any bad mood, but ask what was going on. Yes, but not superficially. Often, people only talk about the actual trigger of their stress and not about what's really behind it. Then it's not about the boss making a critical remark. It activates a personal scheme, a sore point: "I never satisfy, I always do everything wrong, the others' ratings are important." Basically it's about me and my topic. If the partner calms down or reacts prematurely with supposedly good advice, that is a slap in the face. We do not feel borne by the other, go away and drift apart more and more.

And finally trite little things cause the big crisis. The not closed toothpaste tube becomes a divorce ground. Stress within the partnership is mostly about those little things. But it's not really about a banality, but about something very substantial. Again, a sore point is activated. The unrestrained toothpaste tube is seen as a lack of appreciation. "I do not count at all, I'm not respected, it's not important to him or her to do that for me." The apparent banality is substantial, threatening self-esteem. And someone who has low self-esteem takes this toothpaste story much more personally than someone who has a good foundation of their own.

What do you mean by "foundation"? Imagine resistance to stress like a multi-storey house. The first floor stands for appreciation and appreciation by others and myself. The second floor houses the performance, love and indulgence. In addition, the strategies to cope with stress, are settled. And the attic corresponds to one's own values, which provide support and orientation in life. Decisive for the stability and quality of this house, however, is a stable, stable foundation. Without this, the "stress house" would collapse. This foundation corresponds to self-esteem, the foundation of which is laid in childhood. A good self-worth gives mental stability and stress resistance. But as long as the activation can shake sore points of this foundation, the best relaxation methods do not help with stress.

Does every partner have to maintain their own "stress house" for themselves? Or is it possible to build a house together in a relationship? First of all, everyone needs a home that is as stable as possible. Without identity, the couple identity can not work. However, you can also build two houses together. If one partner has a weak, shaky one, the other has a solid, sturdy building, one can stabilize the other. Provided that both are not only next to each other, but form a unity, a "we". Coping with stress together increases the sense of belonging.

Who are the better supporters - women or men? Women think they are more empathetic than men, and men also think women are. This stereotype is not true. Responding in a benevolent and empathetic manner, men can do just as well as women. Good supporters, irrespective of gender, lower their partner's level of the stress hormone cortisol. Men, however, are less resilient, and when they are stressed out, they can no longer adequately support their partner. Women are more likely than men to seek a solution in conversation, expressing their stress. But talking about deeper feelings is both unfamiliar and difficult for both.

How can couples, except in conversation, reduce their daily stress? There are many things, such as playing tennis, jogging, cycling, dancing, doing something creative, playing, meditating. It is very important to enjoy the pleasure of two, a good meal, music, walks, traveling. Enjoying together shows the quality of the relationship.

This is becoming increasingly difficult for many given the crowded schedules. Stress is the status symbol today. Breaking relationships therefore more often than before? The self-made stress is a major reason. In restaurants you can often see couples sitting silently and visibly uncomfortable. They do not know what to do with each other. They have lost their leisure time. Sitting still on a bench is perceived as unpleasant. There has to be constant actionism to feel important. That is a negative development.We urgently need to decelerate and decide more consciously on what we really want to use our time for: for the career or for the partner. We do not have resources for everything.

In other words, everyone has to create room for the other in his "stress house"? Common spaces on each floor are just as important as their own, in order to develop themselves and to balance out closeness and distance. Every relationship knows wave movements, sometimes one looks for closeness, sometimes distance. This is straightforward if both have these needs in sync. But often one partner wishes distance, while the other wants closeness. If both are constantly asynchronous, there are no more common "rooms".

Is it not possible for so many people to have a good relationship in the long term? Our society tends to individualization; everyone is more important to themselves than the other. So we do not compromise, which we would have to close in the partnership. The willingness to commit oneself to the relationship, the commitment, is lacking. Engaging in love seems too time-consuming, too exhausting. But when two are in a boat, each with a rudder in his hand, and only one rowing, it turns in a circle. Only when both push the boat with equal force, the journey succeeds.

Are our expectations of relationships too high? A relationship is today a completely overcrowded vessel. 150 years ago, it was supposed to secure its existence, raise children - a more realistic project. Today the expectations are so high that they can hardly be fulfilled. 23 percent of the couples who are satisfied in and of themselves, nevertheless divorce. They often have 20, 30 years of relationship history behind them, again the same range of life expectancy in front of them and want to have something new instead of investing in the old. The overflow thinking, the non-care-bearing need of our consumer and disposable society has rubbed off on our relationships. You go to appropriate platforms on the Internet, and there are thousands of tantalizing prospects.

Does the model of a long-standing partnership still have a future? I guess so. Stability is an important basic need. The more globalization and alienation in the world, the more urgently we need partnership and family as counterweights.