Why our life needs more courage

ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: When I look around like that, many live their everyday lives just as they have just surrendered.
MELANIE WOLFERS: Unfortunately. Nothing leaves a stale aftertaste as the impression: I remain a spectator in my own life and let it pass me by.

?But it does not always have to be the same ...
But it is discouraged.

So the main ingredient for a good life is courage?
Another word for courage is Courage, which derives from Cor, the Latin word for heart. Courage originally means to live from the heart of the heart.

Trust yourself, it's your life - your unique, precious life. And dare you!

I think that many know very well that they make lame compromises and do not live from the bottom of their hearts ...?
... and accept that?

Yes.
But there is already a lot won when I know about my lazy compromises. In order for it not to remain with this knowledge, but to become a result of it and I no longer remain a spectator, two thoughts help: Dare yourself, it is your life - your unique, precious life. And dare you! Taunt your feeling that tells you: I want more. What I understand only conditionally as appeals.

But they are appeals!
Yes and no. I think a mere appeal to be brave from the outside will be ineffective. We know that from the request: be spontaneous! Or, laugh, you'll feel better. In addition, an appeal always gives the impression that one is not taken seriously with his feelings.

They made a big decision courageously: they taught philosophy and spiritual theology at the university, worked as a high school teacher - and then entered the religious community of Salvatorianerinnen.
I knew that if I did not listen to my heart and leave now, in a few years' time I will be tormented by the question of whether I am not living past a better opportunity of my life, a possibility that is now irrevocably over. Whether I am not left behind, what I stand for and how I want to live. I did not want to be with that nagging doubt! But living courageously means more.

But more courage is not possible!
Of course my decision was brave. But the courage that opens the door to our lives does not start with such a far-reaching life decision. Courage does not begin with classy suspicious exploits. His real territory is the concrete everyday life.

You mean, we think courage too big?
Yes, and in very different ways. I advise and accompany people, and one day a high school graduate asked me for a conversation, her career aspirations wavered, she did not know which subject she should choose.

Let me guess: her parents pushed her in one direction.
Not at all! The parents kept stressing that she could do whatever she wanted - the main thing was that she would be happy. Real flagship parents, I thought first. But then it turned out that this was exactly the problem: The need to be happy blocked her. It sounds like a paradox, but it's true: Many would be happier, though they might be unhappy.

The venture area is everyday life

And some would be bolder if they did not think so brave ??
It is like this: A life does not become a life full of heart and heart because once you made a decision courageously at a fork in the road. You have to have the courage in everyday life, because in many everyday occurrences we need mut. Also, if we only think courage big, then what about all those life situations that one does? with all the courage you have? can hardly change or wants to change?

Do you have an example?
As a mother, I can only get out of my life to a very limited extent, even less so as a single parent. Sometimes it is also our body that shows us boundaries. Courage does not mean: I throw everything over the pile. Just as a full-hearted life does not mean, I'm always happy. To be brave means to bring myself into play, every day anew.

How can that look?
An example: we can talk to a conflict with our partner or we can remain silent. I'm not saying that talking is always gold. Rather, I would like to focus on everyday situations that we all know and experience. Every day I am confronted with moments in which I can stand by my side. If I do, I will not be permanently happy, but I will live from the bottom of my heart.

Adaptation also alienates us from others

How do I manage to stand by me in everyday life?
Again and again, I encounter four things that put the courage in their place and let us act timidly, I call them the four stumbling blocks: security striving, adjustment, shame and the assumption that vulnerability is weakness.?

Why is security striving blocking our courage?
Do you know the phenomenon "Kopfkino", especially in moments of pure happiness?

Yes, but to be honest, the films are usually unattractive. I'm going to paint something bad.?
You are not alone with that. It is the fear of vulnerability that makes us not trust our luck. We fear that the joy will soon give way to disappointment. So we play it safe. When it comes to safety, many have a swing in mind. You think, the more vulnerable, the more insecure ...?

... and the more secure, the less vulnerable.
Exactly. But the picture is wrong. Anyone who does not dare to leave the housing of his safety-conscious self remains alone. Who is not vulnerable, is also not touchable. When it comes to striving for security, the question is always: Do I want to believe in the fear that steals today by teaching me to fear the morning? Thus, a permanently activated "central locking fear" prevents a courageous life. It puts a stop to all deeper relationships. Of course, it's true: anyone who gains a defensive tank of strength and superiority can no longer be hit so easily. But nothing or anyone can touch it anymore. And being touched makes life.

What do you mean by the second stumbling block, the adaptation?
For us humans it is of central importance to belong. We take on the weather: What is announced, how will I become part of the clan?

And they alienate us from ourselves.
Yes, but not only. We also alienate ourselves from the others. We are no longer a counterpart, but a mirror image, and thus lose both: the attachment to us and true attachment to our fellow human beings. By the way, the shame is ticking, this feeling that tells us: the way I am, I'm not okay. Many think yes, shame is a women's topic or affect only people with inferiority. That's not true. Shame is a basic component of being human and has many faces. Shame can also make us act aggressively or overconfident. But the point is always: It keeps us from getting involved in life.

Should I consciously risk moments that embarrass me?
No. But I can shame on the track: Why did I feel her so hot at that very moment? Mostly it needs a counterpart. When we talk about shameful moments with familiar people, shame loses some of their power.

There remains the assumption that vulnerability is weakness. I have not seen it that way yet?
I absolutely do not plead for being naively vulnerable. But the ideal is: Courageous people are invulnerable. But regardless of the ideals and strategies for suppressing one's own vulnerability, it is one of the centers of our existence! Only those who recognize vulnerability as part of their lives will be able to deal constructively with unsettling and painful experiences. Perfectionism ...

?... chasing after many women ...

... is an unconscious attempt to escape their own vulnerability and make themselves unassailable. The fear of the judgment of others and of their own inadequacy with perfectionism can not be shaken out.

What is, in a sentence, so courage?
Courage is when things become more important than fear. Although I still have something to add: In the fear of deciding (wrongly), a fundamental fear attacks us - the one of transience. Our time is limited! But that's why we should not let the fear be too cheeky - what it will be if it wants to protect us from our vulnerability at any cost. But only when we make ourselves accessible do we bring ourselves into play. We no longer fly under the radar screen. But emerge on the surface of life.