What men think about sex
Harald, 35, Financial Services, is divorced and back in a steady relationship for eleven months. Frank, 53, fitness trainer, was married for nine years and has recently been reunited after some changing relationships. Moritz, 34, self-employed sales representative, has been living with his girlfriend for four months and believes he has found the right woman for family and children. Armin, 40, entrepreneur, has been divorced from his wife for a year. He has two children and is currently single. *
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: Let's get straight to the point: is there a sexual experience that you have especially remembered?
Harald: Yes. My first Sadomaso experience with a woman who was submissive. But for me the adventure of a purely sexual encounter is completely different than sex with the woman I love. He is much more intense and therefore more pleasurable.
Moritz: I just thought: There was no such thing in my life. I am probably rather reserved.
Armin: It was my first visit with my wife in the swingers club, believe it or not. And I also have sadomasochism, with a girlfriend. At first I could not believe that she enjoyed it. It means: Watch your wife, do not raise your hand against her. But she liked it and me too.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: Mutual consent during sex is so important?
Harald: Absolutely. When I realize that nothing comes back from my partner, I break the case. For me it is extremely important that the woman comes in sex.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: Why is that?
Harald: Because I want it to be beautiful for her - and certainly to get self-affirmation.
Armin: At 20 I just wanted to cum, but at some point the lust of the woman was just as important to me. But I had to explain this to the women and to ask them to: concentrate on your lust, just imagine the demands.
Harald: Did I experience that too? Women are really surprised when a guy is ticking like that.
Frank: But if I just want to have fun with a woman, I do not care what's wrong with her. Only when I realize that I want to be with her longer, I give myself differently. With the woman I'm with now, the first few weeks did not work out.
Harald: If it's something special, you just do not want to put the woman on the same level with casual acquaintances.
Armin: I met a woman over the internet last summer, and when we met, I knew: it's not right to sleep with her right away - even though she wanted to. I told her: I do not want to go to bed with you right away. The biggest compliment you can give a woman, right?
Harald: If I think, now you have arrived, where you always wanted to go, I want it to develop very slowly.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: Polemically speaking so: all sluts, except mom ...
Armin: Men can easily have sex with women they are not in love with. In that sense, they are indeed creating a kind of two-class society: women, with whom one can have quick sex, and women, who mean something to them.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: Moritz, how is that with you?
Moritz: I was either in a committed relationship, or in the intervening phases, sex did not matter much. Only once did I have a purely sexual relationship with a married woman. When I found out she was married, I wanted to end it all. But the charm of the forbidden was stronger.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: Are there any phases in which you do not feel like it?
Frank: Not at the moment. But if nothing works for me for a long time, the desire falls asleep. Like sleepy feet. Something exciting has to happen to get her back.
Moritz: Sounds logical. If the pleasure would continue to increase, the longer you did not have sex, you would go crazy.
Harald: I do not know that. Even though I did not have a relationship, hardly a week went by without me having sex at least once. And if I was in a committed relationship and had no sex for longer, that was a clear indication that something was wrong. But there are other reasons for dwindling desire: An ex-girlfriend of mine has increased very much in the course of the relationship, that was a problem. When she sat on me, I really lost the desire. Or these everyday situations: I come home at seven and actually feel like it, two hours later I still hang in front of the TV and I'm just tired - that has nothing to do with the woman then.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: Does masturbation play a role in such phases or perhaps even during a committed relationship?
Harald: For me, that has always been an issue, also in relationships. Women think immediately: Something is wrong with our love. This is nonsense. It's all about the quick gratification.
Frank: I often used to masturbate myself.In my new relationship, I do not do it anymore. I've already borrowed some videos and got myself a down, but you have to be careful. If you do that too often, you do not bother women anymore because it's so comfortable.
Harald: I think it's great to get a text message from a woman who says: I just made it myself and thought of you. Immediately I feel like ...
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: Has sex changed in recent years?
Armin: Absolutely, I think it's good that women have become sexually demanding and want to orgasm.
Harald: That's right. There is nothing more lustful than a woman who says what she wants. And nothing worse than one that says nothing.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: But are women between the ages of 30 and 40 no longer interested in solid relationships but in outrageous sex practices?
Armin: There's something about that. In these single exchanges on the Internet, for example, men are looking for sex, women a relationship.
Harald: Where single exchanges are really a good invention. You do not have to leave in the evening, and if you do it smart, it's super funny. And very simple: You just have to be a normal man, then you have a big advantage over these guys who definitely just want one thing. If you can make the girls laugh then you are far ahead.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: What is absolutely indispensable for pleasurable sex?
Harald: A good figure, actually the whole look. And what I'm completely off, these nasty high heels are made of glass.
Frank: The atmosphere is important too. I have such a black light bar with me. When my wife comes in, you can imagine what that looks like. Your skin looks nice and dark, and that totally turns me on.
Armin: I also think looks important, but what makes me feel more comfortable is letting go. A woman can look the way she wants, when she shouts out her lust, I think that's great.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: So you want to feel coveted?
Armin: Also, but the desire of my partner to watch, gives even more pleasure. At the end of our swinger time my wife and I exchanged partners. And I was very pleased to see her live out the fantasies she has long cherished. And that I'm the man she does it with.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: Harald, you talked about the difference between having sex and having sex in a relationship. How do you see the other three?
Armin: I need sex to find out if one thing could become more. I do not believe in love at first sight - which is not compatible with most women: they already believe that they have found the man for life before the first sex, and ask me about the second night, as I see it. I can only say sorry, I do not know yet.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: How does pleasure change in a long relationship?
Armin: All the women I've met in recent years have had virtually no sex in their last relationship. One once said: sex in marriage is coincidence.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: You have two children with your ex-wife. Most couples with young children are just too exhausted in the evening to even think about sex ...
Armin: That's a matter of attitude. My wife has gained 25 kilos after both births - that did not interest me. This body gave birth to two wonderful children, so that did not change my pleasure at all.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: You were never too stressed or exhausted?
Armin: Of course, sometimes. But that too is a matter of attitude: when you lie together, and one partner has desire and the other does not, you have two options: to turn away from each other or to respond to the other.
Harald: I think sex is changing. In the beginning, you're on a journey of discovery, and in the end, you know what your partner is up to.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: But even in your marriage, the romantic phase was surely over at some point.
Harald: Yes. I separated from my wife because I did not feel like her anymore.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: Why was that?
Harald: I do not know. Maybe we were too young, maybe we lived too long in different cities. She got what she needed elsewhere. So I moved out. Others would probably have addressed the problem openly, I then cut the tail.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: Why?
Harald: Because I really could not have said exactly what to do differently. I think it was up to me, at my former situation in life: new in the city, only her friends, dissatisfied with myself. Although I was in principle still in the mood, but just not on them. A very strange feeling.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: Moritz, how has your sexuality evolved over the years?
Moritz: I ended my first relationship because I wanted to know what else is there. What irritated me, because I am rather a conservative person and initially thought: That lasts forever. I think I'm just not a very demanding person in terms of sex and relationship.I am rather reserved, maybe even shy.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: If your partner did not want to have sex for a few weeks because of kids and job, so that was okay for you?
Moritz: I certainly did not burst, no.
Frank: And you did not want to know why your girlfriend does not want you for three or four weeks?
Moritz: My sex life has always been very straightforward, whatever self-protection was: I do not want to float high when I risk falling very low. It may be that I miss something. But I also experience no painful crashes.
* The names of the participants have been changed by the editor
