Stefanie Stahl: "He who educates a child should know himself well"
At least since her bestseller "The child in you must find home" is the psychologist Stefanie Stahl, the queen of life counselor. The strong images and her sense of language make her books entertaining, comprehensible and wonderfully accessible even to lay psychology. Together with co-author Julia Tomuschat, with the guidebook "Nestwarmness that gives wings", she has dedicated herself to the ultimate parenting question: how do we give our children roots and wings, the right amount of attachment and freedom? How do we balance these two poles?
We talked to the successful author about early childhood imprinting and parental self-doubt.
BARBARA: The subtitle in the book, "Stop and Give Freedom - How We Educate Without Educating" already suggests that the book is not an ordinary So-Run-It-and-Not-Different-Educational book. What sets your book apart from the parenting teachers we know?
Stefanie Stahl: The question of how we raise a child is not so much about the child, but about ourselves, about our attachment behavior, our own autonomy and our self-esteem. The book is therefore dedicated above all to these three poles rooted in their own childhood experiences. Actually, it would be perfect to read the book as a preparation for your own role as a mother or father. The better one knows oneself and understands oneself, the better one can also reflect oneself as a parent.
What exactly do you mean by nest heat?
Every human being has an existential need for attachment from birth. Already babies strive to build a good bond with their caregivers, for example by smiling at them. This need for closeness and support is deeply rooted in us, ultimately ensuring survival. Our attachment to our children largely depends on how we were shaped. A mother, for example, who has experienced a great deficit of love in her own childhood runs the risk of tying her child too close to satisfy her own cuddling needs. So it's not about a close bond, but about the right amount of bonding.
So binding that still leaves room for freedom?
Exactly. Because the desire for autonomy is another important pole for every human being. Balancing these two needs? Bond and autonomy? accompanies us, so to speak, from the cradle to the grave. Basically, the entire world events can be explained with these two poles.
How do I know if the two poles are well balanced with me?
Both poles bring with them certain skills. People who tend towards attachment, can listen great, are willing to compromise, like to adapt to their counterparts and good. They are very good at making a close bond with their children and providing them with great care. However, they often find it difficult to let go of the children as they get older. Parents who tend towards autonomy need a lot of freedom themselves. They are very good at trusting their children a lot and promoting their independence. These parents, however, quickly feel constrained by the needs of small children. When you are in balance, you are always in a good position and get along well with letting go and adapting to your child's needs. There are also parents who tend alternately in one direction and then in the other. This happens, for example, if they sacrifice themselves too much and then really break out.
Why is it so important to know how to tick when having children?
Because your own imprint is the glasses through which we see the child and the world. And because we can better understand and adapt our own reactions, if we understand where they come from. That is why it is good to reflect and question oneself again and again.
But how do you manage to stay friendly with yourself while reflecting and not drift off into self-blame?
By deliberately putting it back on wide-angle, when you realize that you are too focused on your own mistakes. The brain has the tendency to turn negative again and again if left to itself in thinking. Noting mistakes ensures our survival, so it's quite normal for that to happen. It then helps to deliberately bring in the own strengths to the mistakes and to say: "Hey, alone, that I think about it is really great".
Which time in childhood is the most formative?
Clearly: the first lifetime. The brain is still unfinished at birth and develops rapidly in the first lifetime. But even in puberty, a lot of things are being reorganized.
What can I do if it happens to me that I apply my imprint on the back of the children?
It's always good to step back and ask yourself: where are my triggers, my sore points, my behavioral strategies? Then we can think about how we can do it better next time? Mental preparation is the best prevention. It is also important that as parents we take good care of ourselves. Because we easily fall into old patterns of behavior when we are under stress. Sometimes just apologizing to the child is appropriate.
What is more difficult: to educate a child who is very similar or a child who is very different from you?
I think that both are a big challenge. If the child is very similar, you look constantly in the mirror. If it is completely different, then you may lack understanding. Both not easy. However difficult it is to find one has a lot to do with one's own self-confidence. The more self-confident I am, the easier it is for me to relate to my children because children are in doubt.
Is it possible to influence elementary self-confidence as an adult?
(laughs) If I did not believe it, I would have missed the job. You can definitely do that.
© GRÄFE UND UNZER Verlag
A book for all parents who want their children to grow into strong and happy personalities.
"Nest warmth that gives wings, give support and give freedom as we educate, without educating" by Stefanie Stahl and Julia Tomuschat
published on 08.12.2018 in Gräfe und Unzer Verlag
