Sex: my first time

Crumpled sheets and confusing feelings: the first time.

We are sitting on the bed, have already drunk a glass of wine. And tell about our first time. With my girlfriend it was completely unromantic, jerk-off on the leather sofa. My friend at the time still had his socks on. You just do not forget that!

Great, such women talk. The journalist Jutta Vey has now made a whole book of it. For "My first time" She spoke with 22 women between 16 and 86 about their first sex. The result is intimate protocols - and an exciting piece of sexual history.

Journalist Jutta Vey spoke with 22 women about her first sex for her book "My First Time".

BYM.de: How important is the first time?

Jutta Vey: The first sex is definitely a break, a step towards adulthood. Because it's the first time we've let another person get so close to us. Some women find this extremely romantic, others are very pragmatic and say to themselves: Well, that's what I've done now.

BYM.de: For your book you talked to very different women. The youngest is 16, the oldest over 80. What was the biggest difference between the generations?

Jutta Vey: The women of earlier generations were not enlightened. Many people did not know exactly how sex works. By contrast, today's teens know everything. Some have already watched porn up and down.

BYM.de: For example, you talked to a woman who, at the age of 20, had no idea how children were made.

Jutta Vey: Yes, that's terrifying. That's why I also thought that sex could not be pleasant for these women. And vice versa, I assumed that the self-confident girls would make more positive experiences today. That was not the case! In all the decades there were nice first times and bad first times.

Sex is everywhere

The first time is rarely as romantic as in the movie.

BYM.de: But still a lot has changed since the 1960s.

Jutta Vey: Sure, the Enlightenment background is quite different today. There used to be no bravo, no internet. Since you could not get much information. And the framework conditions have changed. It used to be: You are a bad girl if you have sex before marriage. That's different now. But the feelings, the fear, the romantic ideas about the first time have remained. I think it was sometimes even an advantage for the older women that they knew so little. They did not expect anything, sex was a mystery to them.

BYM.de: That's right, we see sex everywhere today: in movies, in magazines, on the internet, in music. Does not that change the expectation for the first time?

Jutta Vey: Not necessarily. Most young women are realistic about it. But there are actually some who wish for their first time a lonely mountain hut with roaring fire, candles and romantic music. Since you can be sure that it goes in the pants.

BYM.de: Some women in their book had their first time relatively early, at 13 or 14. Do you feel the pressure is higher today?

Jutta Vey: Yes. I was in Munich and interviewed four teenagers. I'm already working on the next book. Then I sat and thought: My God, you can not be so influenced by your friends! For example, one of the girls had a date with her friend and decided that this girl would have sex someday. So they called a boy they knew he was going to join and ordered him into the apartment.

BYM.de: That sounds anything but romantic.

Jutta Vey: Yes. It did not work then either. The pressure is actually higher. One can say: Today everything is possible, there is nothing that does not exist.

BYM.de: It's easy to enter "porn" on youtube and watch the pictures online ...

Jutta Vey: But that does not apply to the girls who, in my experience, do not download porn on the internet. It's different with the boys. I recently asked a boy how he was enlightened. He said: Bravo is women's stuff, that's just love stories. He has learned through porn on the internet how sex works.

BYM.de: How did you come up with the idea of ​​writing a book for the first time?

Jutta Vey: That started when the 13-year-old daughter of a friend really pubertal. She kept asking us questions. So we three got into the conversation and asked ourselves how it used to be for the women. I thought about it and researched it. That's how the idea developed. Now I am working on a book in which teenagers tell about their first sex. And then the men are on it.

My first time

Jutta Vey My first time women from four generations tell Schwarzkopf & Schwarzkopf 280 pages 9,90 Euro

Excerpt from "My first time"

Finger exercises to warm up

Sarah, 17, dental assistant First time 2005 with 15 years

I had bought totally sexy red underwear, with which I wanted to turn it on properly. Also worked. When I went to bed with him, he got stare eyes. He was pretty horny on sexy lingerie. We smooched and fumbled a bit. Then I was tired and turned away. Oh no, I thought and lay down on my stomach. He was quite frustrated and I heard him mumble, "Oh man." Then I fell asleep. I let him down a bit in the evening. It was also a bit of my revenge for messing with my girlfriend a few months earlier. She had given him a blowjob. Anyway, she said stiffly and firmly. He denied it. The next day, December 23rd, I let him go. We've been together for four months. My grandma's sister had her birthday that day. Everyone went, but not me. I did not feel like it, I wanted to meet him. And then it happened. He started kissing me on the neck and made me totally hot, just like it is ... I was 15, he was 17.

I come from a Bavarian village and I am the younger of two sisters. Although I would describe myself as precocious, but as bad as my mom sometimes thinks of me, I'm not. At the age of ten, I kissed for the first time. Everyone was suddenly very hot for kisses and wanted to try it out. I had made a date with a guy. He was 14 but did not know how old I am. Before I went, I thought, maybe I should rehearse this with the kissing before, so that does not go in the pants. So I just tried it out with my girlfriend. It was weird, because we were both pretty funny. We also had to laugh all the time. Incidentally, I did not kiss the boy after all. I did not dare.

Frogs, sex and enlightenment

Excerpt from "My first time"

Only two years later, at twelve, did I start rumbling. A friend had since her first time behind and often told of it. However, she has never gone into detail. She just made some hints: "Tonight I'll meet him and I'm sure that will be totally cool again ..." Something like that. In more detail one tells so only with 15, 16.

They and another were the only ones in our middle school who had sex at that age. The other, however, was even further: she already had a child. That was the topic, of course. Once we met her in the city with a stroller and asked her if it was a wishful child. She claimed, "Yes." She had to repeat a class, but seemed to be doing great. That's why it did not deter us at all from messing around with boys. I already knew a lot at that age. We had sex education since the first grade. The genitals of man and woman were shown to us by two cartoon characters. One had a breast, the other testicles. I also remember that we once watched an educational film. He was harmless. Frogs were seen mating, one hopped on the other. That was pretty funny.

Excerpt from "My first time"

Sarah loves sex

Sandra, 21, freight forwarding clerk First time in 2000 at the age of 13

I love sex because you can be really close. Sex with my friend is the non plus ultra for me. Sometimes I'm scared that it's not going to be so beautiful and intense in thirty years, but the way it's portrayed in comedy series: "Hey, it's Christmas, finally I'm back!" While sex is not the main part of a relationship, it's definitely important to me. Alex and I sleep on average twice a week. He's the first one I'm having fun with. It was a long way to go until I got there.

I was born in Gera, in Thuringia. When I was three, my parents divorced. My birth father is nothing more than a sperm donor. He hardly ever called after the break, either for Christmas or for my birthday. I never had the classic mother-daughter relationship with my mother. This was partly because she was traveling a lot for work and I was rather raised by my grandmother, who lived with us in the house. On the other hand, she also had problems with the mother role. She is still relatively young, just twenty years older than me. "I'd rather be your girlfriend," she always said to me. That's exactly what I did not want. I've always wanted a baby - just like my grandma was to me.

Enlightenment and tampon purchase

Excerpt from "My first time"

I would never have thought of going to my mother with any puberty issues.But nothing came from her side. Enlightenment - Nonsmoking! If you ignore the children's book that I got as a little girl. In child-friendly drawings and texts it was explained how babies arise. You saw the parents go to bed in the evening, get up in the morning again and, bums, they had a roast in the tube. Anyway, you could see that something had happened in her stomach. He then got bigger and bigger on every other picture.

When I entered puberty, everything my mother said about my body was embarrassing. That was because she was not a touch sensitive, but always rambomäßig brought over everything. At the age of eleven, when my first hairs started to sprout, there was a situation in the swimming pool that makes clear how insensitive it was. When I changed my clothes, she suddenly said aloud: "Look, there you have a hair under your arm ..." She said it as a friend might say. But no mother. That was just silly.

Two years later, at thirteen, another such situation. I had just gotten my days and went to her urgently. Her only reaction: "Do you have anything in it?" Completely insensitive and without further explanation. Because I always collected the pads and tampon samples, which at the time the Bravo supplement, - I knew that it starts with me at some point - I was fortunately provided for now. I always stuffed the samples into a teddy bear sitting on my bed. Later, I hid cigarettes in his stomach.

The next day, my mother went to the supermarket with me and asked me to buy bandages. When we stood in front of the shelf, she said to me: "So, now take a pack." I was completely overwhelmed. To go to the cash register, unthinkable! So I said, "Nah, I will not do that, I can not buy it." Finally she did it. I still feel embarrassed to buy tampons today.

The first time - a humiliation

Excerpt from "My first time"

Ruth, 78, actress First time 1948 with 19 years

My first time was a humiliation. That's why I could not relax during sex for decades. Only at barely fifty did I meet a man I could drop myself off. He was my fifth lover. Overall, I had six. Good average for a woman of my age, I think. After all, I grew up in a different time than today. Physicality, education, sex - this was almost not spoken. The thirties and forties were a jammed, hard time.

I grew up in Hamburg-Eilbek. There I lived with my parents in a rented apartment. My mother was a dietician in the hospital. My father first went to sea, then he became self-employed as a haulier. He was not much at home. That's why I did not hear much about their marriage. But she could not have been good because my mother cried many times. Maybe that's why she got so hard. She always said, "Love is like liverwurst, you can beat it on the bread, that's just a big word, there's nothing behind it."

At home she led a strict regiment. At the age of 14, I had to be home at 7 pm in the evening. If I was not there on time, it started something. For example, if I was only ten minutes late, then, as soon as our apartment door opened, I had already - hmm! - my mother's hand in the face. When I did not want to eat something, she said to me, "The next step, miss, is the educational institution, they have rubber walls, you can scream whatever you want." She has often threatened. But I've never really been so defiant anyway. I always did what I was told. Sometimes, however, I have despaired them with my questions. That was when I came into puberty and just came up with certain questions.

I remember, I played with a school friend 13 times in the street when the daughter from the neighboring house came by. My girlfriend whispered to me: "It's bustling around." Me: "What is that?" Then she says, "She'll be fine with men. Watch out, she'll have a baby soon." I asked quite curiously: "What do you get a child for?" Then she said conspiratorially, "I do not know exactly, but I think, of kissing." The same day I told my mother that. Then she just said: "Yes, that's the way it is."

Sex was piggy

Excerpt from "My first time"

Unbelievable, but true: I believed that for quite a while, too. We were not educated at home or at school. For that we talked a lot to each other and snapped. From parents, teachers and other adults, almost nothing could be found out. This was very distressing and they were always around it. Someone once told me, "If you see a woman with a big belly in the street, she's pregnant and has a baby." When a pregnant woman came to meet me and my mother on the street, I exclaimed enthusiastically, "Look, mum, the woman is pregnant!" My mother then: "You have not yet seen piglets!" Everything that had to do with sex was a bit piggy. But with such remarks as that of my mother, the topic became of course even more interesting to me.

At 15, I realized that something was changing in my body. That was confusing because I did not know what was happening to me. A girl from my class said: "Then something funny happens every month.You're bleeding. "Me:" Yuck, how terrible! "Then she said," Yes, but I do not like to ask my mother. "Then I asked her how she did it with her underwear, and she said," I'll wash that always secretive. "

But when I got my period, I asked my mother. But instead of taking me aside and explaining to me what was really going on with me, she said in a nutshell: "If I ever find a dirty piece of laundry here, then it'll do something." At that age we were still completely harmless. If we were traveling with boys, then always in the clique. There was nothing with kisses here, pecks there. The highest of the emotions was holding hands in the cinema.

When I was almost 16, a boy invited me to the cinema. A Marika Rökk or Zarah Leander movie, I think. His parents had a corner bar in our street. I did not find him particularly attractive, but going to the cinema, that was always good. When we came back, we stopped just before my front door, and then he gave me a kiss. And what am I doing? Run screaming to the third floor and scream loudly, "Mum, mummy, I'm going to have a baby!" Of course my mother almost collapsed in shock. "Why is that?" She asked. Then I showed her where he had kissed me. She: "And now you get a child, but you will not do that again." Me: "No, no." She then again: "Well, you will not get a child of that." And that was the topic for her.

"This Gerammel I find repulsive"

Excerpt from "My first time"

Roswitha, 54, secretary First time 1972 with 19 years

Do I need sex with a man? No. Did I have really good sex with a man? No. Is that why I'm unhappy? Not at all! I am satisfied with my life and do not want to trade with anyone. That I do not want or need sex does not burden me in any way. I think it's just against me. Already the movement, this Gerammel. Disgusting. Repulsive. Disgusting. That's not me. Let's put it this way: It is not a need for me as it is for many others. That is also not talked about. That's just not built in. That does not mean that I generally hate sexuality. But on the contrary. Sex with myself is wonderful.

I was born in August 1953 in a small Saxon town. When I was three, my parents moved to Bremen with me and my one year younger sister Andrea. I was baptized catholic. My father, who is Protestant, did not think much of it. My mother, however, was Catholic and had to promise the pastor the marriage to have her children baptized. An evangelical man - that was not really possible then. Mixed marriages were frowned upon, yes, downright scandalous. For my mother, her promise was then internally law. She had been educated very religious anyway and was convinced that everything she does and thinks against God and the Ten Commandments, is a sin and will eventually be punished. That's how she thinks today, at 78, still.

My father, a bricklayer, was the master in the house in our three-bedroom apartment. When he was there, we had to be quiet and shower. I can not remember a single real conversation with him. When we were alone in the room with him, he sent us sentences like "Just do schoolwork!" or "wash it off!" right back out. He could not do anything with us.

We were both sent to a Catholic school and also had to go to church every Sunday. My mother, who was only catholic internally, never showed up there, which became more and more of a disadvantage for me. All other parents actively participated in community life. One father was a servant, one mother took care of the flowers, the other baked cakes. Only my parents did not participate. A teacher once said to me: "Your parents do not come to church." It sounded like, "If they did, you would be more respected here." Of course, as a child, you feel and feel this derogatory between the lines very special.

At school, we were told that sexuality is something absolutely dirty, reprehensible. It was always said, "Thou shalt not have unchaste thoughts." That settled on me. For example, when I accidentally saw myself naked in the mirror as a child, I thought, now I have to confess again. In fact, with this twisted moral education, in everything you thought and done, you had the feeling, "That's wrong now, you've sinned." That was terrible.

Strange groaning sounds

There were also some of my classmates who were different, that is to say rather bluntly talking about sexuality and finding nothing bad about it. I remember a girl who was four years older and whom I thought was great. She looked so mature and knew so much. Most of what she told me I once believed. Once she said, "If you do it from behind, you get a puppy." That has kept me busy for a long time. At that time I was 13.On the other hand, I also found it cool that I knew anything about sex at all. I still remember that when I was 16, my sister actually asked me if I could get pregnant from tight dancing. I laughed at this.

As for my older girlfriend: Of course, I was not allowed to meet my parents. That was strictly forbidden. But they could not stop me, because I always went to her before going to school. My mother had been gone a long time ago. She always went for mornings in the morning. So at ten to seven I'm out of the house and then straight to her. Her mother was already out of the house. Sometimes a boy from the neighborhood came by. He was much older, already 19. Then we sat in the kitchen and talked. Once, I'll never forget that, my friend suddenly said to me: "Stay here and take care of the guinea pig, we'll be right back." Then the two went to the parents' bedroom. Somehow I already suspected something and just thought, that can not tackle now. A few minutes later I heard them, those strange moaning sounds. I thought it was so awful and deviant that I just wanted to leave and then never went back. Nasty, dirty, disgusting - that too stuck with me.

At the age of 13, my father took me out of school. The deciding factor was that I had a five in religion, which of course nagged a whole record. I was just more critical than others, always had a big mouth. I remember once saying to my religion teacher: "I do not understand that with Adam and Eve and that we are all brothers, where did the Indians come from?" She said nothing, did not answer. That was probably outrageous, blasphemous of me. These were doubts that did not belong there.

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