Not in the mood for sex? No matter or not?

ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: Are You Out Of Sensational Sex And Long Relationship?

Kirsten von Sydow: At any rate, I do not know a single long-term relationship in which one constantly has great sex. At best, you experience it from time to time, but the steady state is not spectacular. I talked to many clients about it and asked a lot of women and men for my studies. There are two very strong effects: the age and the duration of the relationship. When you are together for 10, 20 or 30 years, the frequency of sexual activity decreases significantly. This is a fundamental scientific finding. In addition, with increasing age in men, the ability to have an erection decreases and women often have problems with moisturizing.

ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: Well-known therapists claim that less often sex is a sure sign of problems in the relationship.

Kirsten von Sydow: nonsense. This thinking is just pressure - and that is the pleasure killer par excellence. Sure, rare sex can be a sign of a crisis, but it does not have to be. Mostly it is like this: Anyone who is in love with fresh, has a lot of sex and the feeling to have found his lost half again. It seems to be quite unified. But if you live longer in a relationship, you will inevitably find out that you are different. Not just in terms of sex. And then the exciting question is how to deal with diversity. In addition to sex, there are many other things that are important and meaningful for people: friendship, children, work ...

ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: But the problem is: We should talk to each other about sex and then take it easy again. How can this work?

Kirsten von Sydow: Often after a clarifying conversation small, clear signals are enough to show the other: Yes, I like that. Because of course you can not claim anything. But you can show the other what you like and what you want more. An open discussion also requires the willingness to bear the answers. And they can hurt a lot when one learns why the other person has so little desire.

ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: Especially since the feeling of being desired is always very much to do with our self-esteem, is not it?

Kirsten von Sydow: That's right. There is a great yearning in all of us to feel accepted. And often the acceptance of sex is coupled with the experience of being desired. Therefore, it hurts us so much when we feel that we can not find or fulfill that longing for the other.

ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: Sexual problems are related to many factors ...

Kirsten von Sydow: ... they are at least a reason to feel: what is really missing? Is it intercourse? Or tenderness? Or interested in me? When you have clarified that, you should ask yourself: What does it matter to me? Honesty towards oneself plays a big role. For example, if a woman realizes that her self-confidence depends significantly on being sought after by her partner, she is in a weak position. Then she should first work to come to terms with herself.

ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: And then suddenly everything goes back?

Kirsten von Sydow: Well, people who enjoy their own lives are perceived as more attractive and simply have a greater attraction.

ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: Some therapists also advise couples to make an appointment for sex - love according to plan, so to speak.

Kirsten von Sydow: Personally, I'm not convinced of that. Sure, for parents of small children or otherwise very busy people, it may be useful to organize times in which you spend time together undisturbed - which increases the chances of sex. But sex on schedule, we know therapists of couples with desire to have children, is often disastrous for a relationship. To be committed to sex is for many women and men. Then rather rare, but wanted.

ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: How important is loyalty to good sex? One could also come up with the idea of ​​satisfying the unfulfilled desires outside the relationship.

Kirsten von Sydow: Most people in Germany say that they need loyalty in their relationship - some do not live up to it, but most are still loyal most of the time. I believe that each of us has built in that we are receptive to new stimuli. But just as it is also built in that we - at least the vast majority - have a longing for an emotionally secure, exclusive relationship. And that it hurts a lot to be cheated.

ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: A pretty vicious circle.

Kirsten von Sydow: We humans are complex, there is not a solution for everything.Of course, it is a dilemma that can lead to internal conflicts or even to relationship conflicts, if you engage with the other stimuli. Many think that good sexuality in the partnership protects against infidelity - but there is no empirical evidence. Even in good partnerships and in relationships with living sexuality, infidelity occurs. And new studies prove that a very different factor obviously plays a big role: the money. If the man earns much more than the woman, he is often unfaithful - but if he earns much less, too. Interestingly, women are different: they are a bit more likely to be unfaithful when they earn more than their husbands - but they are especially true when they earn much less.

ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: So sex is also a power tool?

Kirsten von Sydow: Sex is a complicated thing; one can get pleasure or lose desire for quite different reasons: power and powerlessness play a role, but also emotional attachment, one's own self-esteem. So there are no easy answers. But maybe that's just what sex does not always do, but in the best case it's always exciting.

"He's Never In The Mood For Sex" ...Difference In Sex Drive, Or He's Just Not That Into You? (May 2024).