Help, I'm too nice!
Today again involuntarily given on the street "a small donation"? Kindly nodded, as the waiters in the restaurant the inedible food with "Did you like it?" cleared, even apologetically said: "The portion was so big"? Have a nice chat on the phone or at the front door Lifetime, although you had neither time nor interest?
Welcome to the club of chronic nice workers. Where most people do not want to get in, but want to get out, but do not know how, without being unfriendly. Yes, this is about those who never complain, but all the demands with a happy "No problem!" and every injury with "Alles gut!" answer. They always give themselves so much trouble, but do not want to do it themselves.
Just do not blame the others
Being nice is a good thing. It becomes painful, however, when the desire to be pleasing becomes so compulsive that one constantly overstrains and harms oneself, because one's own needs are ignored.
The British psychologist Jaqui Marson, author of the book "Too nice for this world", is itself a victim. After breaking her arm at a dance and ignoring the pain for two weeks, "to make no trouble for others," she did not realize until the hospital, when she finally landed, that it would not hurt to be all nicer to oneself. Marson advises people like her to self-esteem: "We are disproportionately afraid of conflict, rejection or criticism, and we try to avoid: exchanging things in the business, expressing any kind of complaint (no matter how legitimate), disagreeing in a discussion or dispute to refuse a request or ask someone to stop (or do something) with something. "
The reasons are, of course, as so often in childhood. Nettsein was a tailor-made strategy that was once learned to protect against the anger, punishment, or disappointment of the parents. However, as a grown-up, cute childhood workers remain involved in their childlike success strategy - Jaqui Marson, for example, received recognition in her family because she was so robustly uncomplicated as a girl and "no crybaby".
Nice workers are in continuous use
Of course, this is very practical for society. She keeps the herd of networkers as emotional livestock, clinging to the chain of their childlike conditioning and milking at any service. The messenger does not even bother to take the package to the fourth floor, because he knows that this nice woman lives on the ground floor, which is why her apartment corridor often looks as inviting as a gigantic post box to pick it up. Nice workers are in continuous use. On the other hand, they also have something of it: a pretty self-image through the feeling of being a good, if not better, person. You do not have to develop a strong personality with goals, values, likes, dislikes to arouse. The personality is the remainder left over. After giving everyone else what they need.
Again meets the request of the partner, after work for him to get his shirts from the cleaning? Visited his mother on the weekend so she does not feel alone? Too nice to still want sex after the third date (now he has invested so much ...)?
And yet, Nett is by no means the new sexy. Too nice people almost always have the problem that the target person of their net drive will run away from them at some point. And that, although they thought they were doing everything right - always understanding, kind, attentive, punctual and available around the clock: "I was always there for them!" Nice workers invest too early and too much in a relationship. Studies have shown that great emotional and financial investments in a thing or a person make you consider them to be all the more valuable and worthwhile. Anyone who does more, pays and gives, falls in love and binds himself more closely to the object of his contributions. Unfortunately, the other one does not feel appreciated and bound, but is burdened by so much undeserved devotion. Whoever does not have to do anything for the love, attention and time of his partner, finds this increasingly boring and unattractive; in the worst case needy. Nettworkers then respond to increasing disrespect not with the necessary clear boundary setting, but with even more patience, forgiveness and understanding. The last thing they hear from their partner is, "Was really nice to you, but."
Women make more concessions for the sake of a harmonious relationship.They adapt to the likes, desires and dislikes of the man at their side, because "compromises must be made everywhere!". Yes, only he hardly does any. Weird, is not it? So he goes abroad for the great job. And she goes with her because of her love.
At some point the nice ones sped off
But also the beneficiaries of eternally nice ones feel in the end uncomfortable. At first they believe themselves in the service heaven on earth, but later they pay with dependence and a diffuse bad conscience for the convenience. Under low-hanging gray eyes that are heavy with dumb, diffuse reproaches, it does not live happily. It takes pleasure in giving when it degenerates into a service that is expected or even required on a daily basis. It also takes the joy of (accepting) taking, when that is nothing special anymore. And soon, disappointed net workers turn into emotional blackmailers: "I do everything for you, and YOU do not even want to come to my parents ..." Or they roar for endless trespassing for a trifle and howl and roar that everyone would be so ungrateful and they deserve goddamn respect - where they can not respect themselves anymore. After such an outbreak, of course, nettworkers are tormenting guilty feelings, and they try to be especially nice again. A vicious circle.
Not for the first time the job of the colleague made, in your own lunch break? Voluntarily brought coffee for everyone in the conference? Officially happy for the colleague who got the promotion instead of one?
Even in the job no one is kindly admitted. Why do colleagues love and value so little for everyone to think along? Why does not the boss take you seriously, where you daily prove how resilient, willing and social you are? Because eternal neatness is interpreted as a character weakness. You do not give someone such an important job. Nobody would ask if the CEO is "nice". Others can do it differently - the chronically nice ones. And therefore urgently need to learn to expand their scope for action and reaction. Psychologist Jaqui Marson recommends an "elegant no" as the most important weapon for self-protection, the conscious escape of the panic against rejection and the strict rationing of the nice smile, which in reality acts as a submission gesture. The colleagues do not necessarily like one - they can also enjoy it.
Become more authentic
Turning from tormented Ja to friendly naysayers can save lives - for example, when the wrong man asks if he wants to marry him, or is offered the wrong job. You do not have to be married or employed for life, just to not hurt your partner or employer by not loving him or her for years. Finally, should not stand on the tombstone: My life has everyone liked. Not me.
So stay calm and compassionate - but it's best to start today to be less nice and more authentic and alive: Do not answer the phone if you can not or do not want to talk. Please also kindly but definitely refuse without further apology. Getting into trouble with somebody trying to get in front of the cashier. And if you have a reproachful "That's not nice of you!" to hear, just freed "Thank you!" say.
