Do you defend yourself when attacked? Leave that, advises the couple therapist

Mrs. B. takes a deep breath: "I'm totally dissatisfied with how our lives are going, we work, and then we hang out at home, and then we work again, it's totally boring, we do not do anything, and live I just do not want to live like that, and you know that, but you do not do anything. " - "But," says Mr. B. immediately, "last weekend we had a visit." - "Yes, your parents!" - "And I was just tired last week - the new job is quite nice." - "You always have new orders," she countered. And so it continues. He was not at the PC last night. ("For every other evening.") He had inspired to get tickets for the jazz festival. ("But if I had not worried her, nothing would have happened!") He also likes to go to the movies. ("Apparently not with me.") The B.s are Mrs. Extrovert and Mr. Introvert.

She likes to go out, loves to arrange game afternoons with friends, to invite to dinner, to celebrate and to talk. He prefers to watch American endless series, cooks with her alone or disappears in his room to "Civilization". They know about their differences. Mostly they handle it well. But at some point, Mrs. B. feels that her husband is only retreating, and they get into quarrels. Because Mr. B. defends himself then. Basically he understands her complaints.

Oskar Holzberg is 60 years, psychologist and married for 30 years. For more than 20 years, he has been advising couples and knows the typical conflicts.

But he wants to stand well in front of her. He is afraid she might turn away from him disappointed. And so he defends himself, justifies himself, and tries to prove that he is not as terrible as she experiences him. A common pattern in couple relationships. The unfulfilled wishes and the frustration of the partner threaten the addressed. And like a defendant, he begins to enumerate everything for his relief. What the partner experiences in turn as an escape and defense and thus gets the feeling that his dissatisfaction would have no justification. The more the one resist, the more the other urges to be heard. And so an increasingly hardening conflict arises.

The solution is to open up rather than fight back. As long as we apologize for our "good deeds", so that your sweetheart does not look so negative, we stay closed. But when we talk about what's going on and what's going on in us, then the partner can see and understand us. And only then does he learn that we are not indifferent to his request. Mr. B. could describe what he experiences when she invites guests. How does he feel between his shyness and her need for socializing? Does it make him unsure? The way, it is said, is the goal. Those who describe their inner ways in conflicts are at their destination. He who has the courage to show his consternation, doubt, even his helplessness, connects. To show yourself vulnerable heals. Those who only resist, love wrong.