Couples Therapy: the way out of the crisis
Oskar Holzberg
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: Mr. Holzberg, are you crying or crying more often during the couples therapy sessions that you perform here in this room?
Oskar Holzberg: More often cried. Do you experience real outbursts of rage? The craziest story was when a woman brought a picnic basket to the session. I think that was meant by her as a symbol of reconciliation. I was a bit surprised, but well - why not? Only: The reconciliation was nothing, the man was seriously annoyed by her from his point of view exaggerated harmony striving. He became more and more angry. And at the height of his anger, presumably she had just offered him something delicious to eat, he jumped on socks in the picnic basket. That was a very unusual session.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: Why do not such couples just leave their relationship behind and sit down on the sofa with them?
Oskar Holzberg: Because they feel that the partnership is a good place to deal with themselves, their feelings, impressions and dreams and to develop themselves so. And because almost every person has a longing for a safe, supportive place, that is, what you call a home. Especially when a couple has children, often one or both of them does not want the couple relationship the way it is - but both do not want to lose the trappings, the family. This leads to a great willingness to work together again.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: It may take a while for a couple to get together. A typical scenario: Both argue again, eventually she screams: "I can not take this anymore, we have to couple therapists!" He roars: "First, get therapy!"
Oskar Holzberg: It would be better to solve the issue of couple therapy from the quarrel situation and address it in a moment in which it does not seem to the other as a kind of threat, which then almost inevitably has to be warded off. The woman should wait for a quiet moment, in which she reaches her husband better: "Watch out, so it does not go on, I've considered ..."
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: ... but even that is far from a guarantee that the man really agrees to a couples therapy.
Oskar Holzberg: Especially women, I think, often find it difficult to make their concerns clear. They have a demand that they address again and again. In addition, they do not become active, but continue as usual. Why not say if all talking has not helped anything: "I feel like you're taking a shit how I'm doing, I'm striking, starting tomorrow you can see where you get your food from or who makes the tax return." That's a big killer, but you have to risk it to signal that you're serious. Otherwise, the only remaining ultimatum is: "I'm moving out." And then it's almost too late.
On the next page: The problems in a relationship always belong to both partners
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: And what should one do if this method does not induce others to do anything for the relationship?
Oskar Holzberg: In such cases, I recommend just doing something for yourself.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: A single therapy?
Oskar Holzberg: Yes. First, because you can change relationships on your own. Secondly, because you are in a situation in which you obviously can not get ahead on your own. A therapist can help to change the behavior, to better recognize and enforce one's own needs, to end the stagnation.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: Suppose the woman succeeds in bringing her husband to her practice. What do you say if the man sticks with it? "Not I have a problem with our relationship, it's my wife!"
Oskar Holzberg: I say: "If your wife has a big problem, then you have just as big!" Problems also always belong in a relationship.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: Still, how much sense does a couples therapy make if one of them reluctantly gets involved?
Oskar Holzberg: That is often the case. True, the couples come because they have agreed on this step. But most of the time there is one who advocates therapy more than the other - and that's not always women. If either of you makes it clear that you are sitting there in front of me, that's a good starting point: "Your partner suffers, you say that you do not really want to be here anyway. What do you think your wife thinks when you wake up? And what is your wish for you? " Perhaps the situation reflects a fundamental problem, namely that the husband refuses to interfere with the woman.Or he can not prevail against her well and has the feeling that he will finally be put to rest.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: And? Are you short of him?
Oskar Holzberg: Of course not. As a couples therapist, I am neither neutral nor partisan, but all-party. I try to understand the situation of both, after all, both suffer, and both feel misunderstood by each other. And when I understand something, I make an effort to make it clear to the other as well.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: In a couples therapy, there is no classification into victims and perpetrators.
Oskar Holzberg: No. Often it is about feelings of guilt that one feels - or at least should feel in the partner's opinion. Or it's about the feeling of being a victim. It's not about blame.
On the next page: What to do if someone else goes wrong?
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: A classic victim-perpetrator constellation in relationships is, for example, the one after a fledged affair: I'm the dupe, there's the pig!
Oskar Holzberg: First, an affair, in my opinion, does not necessarily have anything to do with the quality of the relationship: man is not made for a monogamous life. That someone does not manage to be consistently loyal, does not mean that something is wrong with the relationship. The question then is not: what is bad in our relationship, that someone has gone astray? But is our relationship good enough to stand it? But even if the reasons for an affair actually lie in the relationship, both partners have their share in it. Often an infidelity is the result of an unspoken relationship dynamics - a kind of warning shot or liberation: the couple had become hopelessly stuck in their everyday lives, and one of them had to do something to bring movement back into the thing.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: Does an affair have to end before the couple can start therapy?
Oskar Holzberg: I am not as clear as many colleagues who completely refuse to work with couples as long as one of them has an external relationship. But I see that as long as the affair continues, there is hardly any room for other topics in therapy. The one who has the affair will say, "If I know it can get better with us, I'll break up." And the other one will reply: "As long as you do not give that up, I can not get involved with you again." Under this condition, it is difficult to initiate development. In this respect, I advise to clarify the situation as quickly as possible.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: So, the door is closing, the couple is sitting on the sofa. What now?
Oskar Holzberg: Often I have to teach basic skills: how to talk constructively, how to calm oneself when you're angry. Sometimes I bring home a questionnaire on a conflict topic: "Who really does what in the household?" Some couples simply have to realize that their expectations are exaggerated: "They have three small children, two jobs, a thousand claims, and who told you that you could do it all with ease?" And from time to time it is part of my role to be scared: "Suppose you keep on doing what you have done so far, how long do you think your partner is going to do it?" I'm a kind of lawyer who represents the relationship: I try to get the partners to defend not only their own interests, but those of the partnership as well: "Okay, you've been puzzling your mind for ten minutes now and who from You felt responsible for making the conversation end well? "
On the next page: Can you revive love?
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: Can Couple Therapy Revive Love?
Oskar Holzberg: This is an indirect process. I can not make love as a therapist, but I can help to clear the stones and scrub so that such feelings are possible again. Problem pairs are often trapped in ongoing negative escalations: quarrels break out because of some triviality that makes one blame, the other withdraws or digs out some ancient stories, one comes to another, and in the end there is an abyss between them. I try to initiate a positive chain reaction: At best, one day somebody does not manage to shout, but to explain his feelings, the other one does not feel attacked, but begins to understand and can therefore answer calmly and honestly. If this often works out well enough for smaller, day-to-day conflicts, then perhaps the couple can develop the courage to tackle even larger, fundamental relationship issues. And there are also very nice moments in many couples therapies: when one is very touched by what the other says, when the wall crumbles and suddenly there is a connection. At such moments, I sometimes say, "I'll leave you alone and come back in ten minutes."
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: What should I do if there are any doubts in the course of therapy: how do I know if the therapist is bad or if I feel uncomfortable only because he is confronting me with unpleasant truths?
Oskar Holzberg: If the therapist is biased, introduces inadmissible assessments or gives one partner tips that outrage the other, then this should be addressed openly in therapy. That's asking a lot - of course. But the alternative is to stop the therapy or start over again somewhere else. This crisis is perhaps just the sticking point where you always escape - also in the relationship. So: address and see how the therapist responds. He should not be offended, that would be unprofessional and an indication that he is actually not doing well.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: And when can a couple therapist say, "I did a good job?"
Oskar Holzberg: As a therapist, I wish that the couple could find their way back to loving feelings and be able to endure, endure and resolve conflicts better. What both have previously considered a problem, they now see as a challenge - maybe even as a way to show their strength as a couple. In some relationships, however, so much suffering is produced that it does not make sense to maintain that relationship.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: Then, then, can a final, halfway peaceful separation be a therapy success?
Oskar Holzberg: Of course. A therapist is not a problem-solving expert, but above all a question-expert: he knows the right questions and methods to initiate clarification processes that cause two people to stop staring at one another instead of showing each other honestly afraid of the partner's reactions to making false compromises. What stands at the end of such a clarification process, only the couple can decide for themselves.
Oskar Holzberg, Born in 1953, is a graduate psychologist and psychological psychotherapist. Since 1983 he has a practice in Hamburg. He offers single, group and couple therapy.
