At home
April 28, 2024

"Mom, I want to buy something!" If children are already materialists

Two weeks before Matti's 4th birthday. My little one opens his eyes dreamily and cuddles in my arm, in which he slipped unnoticed tonight. Blessed I draw the beautiful little boy scent into me. Hach, how nice to have him, I think and wonder what he probably dreamed of. The question does not remain unanswered for a long time, because a second later he rattles down a wish list, which would overtax even the petty cash of the royal house. Schleichdinos, the Playmobil volcano, the Pawpatroller, a convertible (a real thing, of course), a no-teeth costume, and all Dragons dragons ... which is really amazing, because he has never seen Dragon's movie. Kindly, he worries whether that is too much of a good thing. "Can I wish that, Mama, yes?", He asks and I shrug my shoulders overwhelmed. "Well, you can wish everything ...", I mumble. He rockets like a rocket and cheers in disbelief: "WAAAS ??? Ok, then I wish EVERYTHING !!!"

Help, my child is a materialist

What reads like a funny children's statement, is unfortunately a continuous program with us. While Mattis's two sisters are rather modest and interested in a lot, my son is actually just interested in one thing: "Which new toy does I want (or to say it in his words) need me?" I have to admit that it makes me a bit desperate, because no, I did not want to educate a small materialist. So what did I do wrong? I decide to contact an expert. The family counselor Mathias Thimm regularly gives seminars on "My Sore Spot - What bothers me most about my child". Just the thing, I think, pick his number and ask him what I can do.

A material kid in a material world

"You could move into the African savannah," suggests Mathias Timm with a laugh, and then explains that this is not meant to be as funny as it sounds. "We live in a society where earning and spending money are part of it, children are a much-sought-after source of income, and I find it absolutely understandable that they care about toys and consumption." I am a bit relieved. I want to know if we did not fail a bit as parents when our son is so receptive to material things. "So there can be no question of failure here anyway!" Calms Mathias Thimm me. "You may be able to isolate your child for the first few months or years from the influences of the world we live in. At the latest in kindergarten and at school, your child will also see what the playmates have and get. How much envy or desire that triggers in him depends on several factors. "

Why some children are more vulnerable than others

Whether a child is more or less vulnerable to the big consumerism has not only a lot to do with the environment, but also a lot with personal stability. The desire to always have the latest toys is often about getting peer recognition. "The question is also what one has taught in the first lifetime, before the confrontation with the outside world begins," says Mathias Thimm.

Sometimes, I think, that's not so much in your own hands. The fact that our son had already experienced a lot of consumption from birth on is because at the time of his birth we built a house and did a lot of it ourselves. I do not want to think about how much time he has spent as a mini genius at IKEA, in hardware stores and tile shops. "Do I even have a chance to iron it out?" I ask contrite. "You always have a chance!" Answers Matthias Thimm.

Children do not have to be rewarded

"Do you reward your children with material things or do you take something away as a punishment?" Asks Mathias Thimm me. I'm thinking. Actually, I always tried to avoid that. In fact, I once read a study on the fact that people who were rewarded or punished as a child with material things are more materialistic as adults than people who are not rewarded with gifts or who have been punished for withdrawing their possessions. One or the other time, despite all this knowledge, it has happened to us that I have prevailed in particularly helpless situations with a little bribe. "Stop it better!" Advises the family therapist. "Children do not have to be rewarded for effort, they have to learn to do activities for their own sake." Um ... I wonder if he really believes that this always works. "Also homework, vacuuming and vaccinating?", I ask carefully and get a single word in response: "Everything!" And I realize once again that parenting really requires good nerves.

Consequences instead of punishment

I ask how to wean a child used to reward and punishment. "By being very clear, sit down with the child, explain to him that you will change something and how it will be in the future, no reward and no punishment does not mean that your child's actions have no consequences. There will always be consequences, that's life. " I want to know what the difference between reward / punishment and consequences is. "If the child dawdles in the evening, there may not be time to play together, which is a consequence and frustrating for the child, but understandable," explains Mathias Thimm. "Watching television for a week, on the other hand, would be a completely disjointed punishment in this case, and a bar of chocolate, if it works well in the evening, would be a reward." The difference between reward and punishment is small. "Basically, there are two very similar forms of manipulation and you There is a risk that your child will eventually learn to take their expectations seriously only when threatened or rewarded, and then when material things are used as a reward and punishment, this fuels the interest in these things enormously. "

Every beginning is hard

Finally, Mathias Thimm gives me some really practical advice along the way. For example, the attitude towards consumption and things within the family will make more lasting impression on my child than I currently believe. It is worthwhile, therefore, to counter the marketing people and the 47,000 Playmobil packs with the values that are important to us as parents.

For the weaning of reward gifts Mathias Thimm recommends steadfastness and above all understanding: "If one denies his child the usual material reward, that is very hard for the first time to expect the consent of the child would be far too much to demand." What helps in such stressful situations? "Soothing, tying, discussing ... in exactly that order and with a clear head." Because only thus, he says, is one able to bear the frustration with the child and help him to regulate the stress. "Children do not always manage this alone. They need co-regulation. Sometimes, after some rest and a hug, no conversation is needed. Because you have long explained to your child, how it works now. "