Lovesickness: Tips for the girlfriend

Lovesickness: You have to know that as a friend

Eva Wlodarek

Heartache is a mental illness. He does not let himself be turned off by knowledge and will. In the beginning it is only possible to mitigate grief. Friends are the most important helpers - if they handle the pain with care. "Lovesickness is like cold withdrawal," says Eva Wlodarek, describing the hormonal mechanism behind it: "The serotonin level in the blood drops when falling in love with the neurotransmitter dopamine, which is responsible for feelings of happiness." He who will leave or see his love unrequited, this program will go nowhere. " As a friend, you need to know that lovelorn is a serious thing. "You can not get rid of this by 'tearing yourself together', warns the Hamburg psychologist.

Phase 1: It's over

For at least a week there is a state of emergency. The friend sees herself on the precipice, typical reaction: "That can not be true!" In this acute lovesick phase, it's important to be there for the girlfriend, physically too, to just listen to her and hug her, handing her a handkerchief from time to time. It's best to stay with your girlfriend, or take her home and let her stay overnight. If you work, offer to the girlfriend to come over right after her. "If possible, hold appointments and come as soon as possible," advises the psychologist. If you live in another place, you can invite them to come to you.

Important in this phase: Do not talk too much yourself, be cautious. "Comments like 'the guy was not for you anyway' are now out of place," warns Eva Wlodarek. If your friend is obviously glorifying her ex and raving about his outstanding qualities, you better not oppose it, advises the psychologist, because otherwise there is a risk that your friend reacts with defiance, according to the motto "you have no idea ", and solidifies her positive image. Better: Do you agree with the motto "Yes, he was really great" in her praise. "This often has a paradoxical effect," says Eva Wlodarek. Another variant is holding in question form. For example, ask about his partnerial attention, such as, "Tell me, did he care a lot about you at parties?"

At this stage, the girlfriend may completely misunderstand the reality and believe that the relationship can still be saved, and that she can undo her behavior ("I'm going to change!"). Wlodarek advises not to talk against it, but also not to encourage the girlfriend.

Phase 2: Now come the feelings

Any hope is over now. "The full force of emotions rolls on," says Eva Wlodarek: "Anger, grief, aggression." Here, the girlfriend should take care that the lovesick patient does not play crazy and, for example, abraded with secret observation of the ex-partner. If the girlfriend wants to take revenge, keep her away from it, for example, by making clear to her what can legally come at them in a property damage. Or by telling her, "You do not need that!"

The best recipe in this phase: become active. As soon as the friend has awakened from her grief and can move again, you should get her out of the apartment. Anything that is fun for two is allowed: going to the cinema, shopping, ideally doing sports. "This raises the level of happiness hormones and does it really well, because you also reach the soul through the body," explains Eva Wlodarek. However, you should avoid dragging your girlfriend to a party - she will see lots of happy couples there. Other men should introduce their girlfriend at the earliest at the end of Phase II, advises Eva Wlodarek. "Although such a relationship is unlikely to be, but it feels self-reinforcing, and less likely to believe that no one can replace their ex," describes the psychologist the mechanism.

If your friend is making herself bad and is only looking for the mistake that led to the failure of the relationship, please give her a little speech, advises Eva Wlodarek. Tell her that no woman is perfect, that he would have left her if this or that was not the case. "It's important to know that the reasons for separation that men give are often wrong," says the psychologist. "Things like 'you rarely went out with me' are never the real reasons." In any case, the girlfriend can not turn back the clock - but make up to do it next time better.

It is best if the girlfriend does not see the ex-sweetheart. "Only in this way can the withdrawal work.Every time we meet again, even if it is supposed to help clarify things, the addict is once again feeding the substance from which she is supposed to get away, "explains Eva Wlodarek, her tip: Build a buffer for your girlfriend She calls you in any case before she contacts her ex, but you should not interfere too much, such as calling your ex-boyfriend on your own.

Dealing with the girlfriend in this phase is very exhausting, because lovesick people always want to talk about the same thing. Say calmly "I hear that for the fifth time now". Wlodarek's tips: Limit your phone hours and tell your girlfriend about yourself.

What the girlfriend can do herself at this stage

1. Make a farewell ritual: she takes a picture of her friend and gives a farewell speech
2. Throw away old things or at least pack them away, which she got from the ex, or that connects them with him. Best to send gifts back - even jewelery.
3. Avoid "common" places (for example, pubs, or holiday destinations)
4. Starting your own project: that distracts and creates self-confidence

Phase 3: Redemption and reorientation

It can take up to a year, a year in which the girlfriend must commit all family celebrations like Easter and Christmas without a partner, until she has overcome her lovesickness. How good and how quickly she succeeds can not be predicted, Eva Wlodarek points out. Among other things, this depends on her nature, whether she is extroverted or introverted, how independent she is, and the length of the relationship.

If the girlfriend has much longer to nibble on her ex-relationship, she should seek professional help. The psychologist explains the mechanism as follows: "Being abandoned is a narcissistic insult, the person thinks 'I'm not beautiful enough', 'I'm not good enough.' That's normal, but it can trigger a deep crisis for some people in which a good friend alone can not provide sufficient support. " If you realize that your friend needs psychotherapeutic help, you can listen to who's good and make a pre-selection. If the girlfriend is afraid of such a step, tell her that she can first make a non-binding preliminary conversation.

If you notice that the girlfriend is growing into a lovesick delusion in an incomprehensible way for you, you should distance yourself and take care of yourself, advises Eva Wlodarek: "Take care of your own mental hygiene!" This also applies to the time you dedicate to the girlfriend. Only in the first week (Phase I) should you give your girlfriend a very comfortable hand and allow her to call around the clock. Thereafter, certain limits apply to lovesickness sufferers.

At some point, the lovesickness - hopefully - finally overcome. Then your caring has not only positive effects on the salvation of the girlfriend: "Together to survive such a phase, consolidates the friendship tremendously," says Eva Wlodarek. And if you also get the lovesickness: You can then rely on your girlfriend.

book tips

"Now I'll go"

Now I'll go. Find better contact with yourself and others. ChroniquesDuVasteMonde author Eva Wlodarek conveys the know-how on how to deal with oneself, to work out concrete goals and to change the behavior of loneliness.

Now I'll go. Find better contact with yourself and others. Eva Wlodarek, Fischer Tb. May 2001, ISBN: 3596150663, 8,90 Euro.

"Finding the right man"

Find the right man. Six steps to the right partnership. Another title of psychologist Eva Wlodarek: Here she explains how to find the right partner through better self-experience. With practical exercises.

Find the right man. Six Steps to a Suitable Partnership., Eva Wlodarek, Fischer Tb. May 1998, 223 p., ISBN: 3596140803, 8,90 Euro.

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