Learn to listen better - so easy, so hard
Some things are easy to say when you're sitting on a couch for therapists: that you want to "listen better" in the future, do not interrupt the other, and accept your opinion. I suspect, however, that simple-effort-giving does not last long in the marriage reality. I have a real eye-opening experience when I ask Daniel a simple question: "What do I have to do to accept my message instead of blocking it?" His answer will change our marriage? but more on that later.
First of all, I have to talk about a day when I sat crying in the Caribbean. On this vacation two years ago, I tried to make Daniel understand that I thought his former job at the university was a waste of talent. "You're so good at team leadership, planning and optimizing are your strengths," I said. "Instead, you work on this long-term project alone, which you have to motivate yourself over and over again, you need shorter projects, more structure and colleagues, the free economy is much better suited for you!" It all should be motivating. But Daniel's face darkened steadily. "Why are you always talking bad about my job? I'm doing something useful, but understand that!" He blocked all further arguments harshly. We quarreled. And I did not understand the world anymore: Was not it obvious that I was right? Why did every well-intentioned piece of advice bounce off him, why only he got so angry?
Only two years after the Caribbean vacation, on the couch of our therapist Peter, I understand. Because I ask Daniel the all-changing question: "What do I have to do to ensure that my message arrives?" Daniel answers succinctly: "Ask me for my opinion instead of teaching me." Honestly, alone for this sentence, the therapy has been worthwhile! Because when Peter recommends us to practice asking questions with the help of a current conflict, first successes are immediately apparent. We discuss the kitchen question: Daniel does not want our son Mattis to be in the kitchen with me because he thinks there are too many dangers there? and that I'm a medium-sized dub, is aggravating added. So I ask, "What's your fear when Mattis is in the kitchen with me?" ? "Do you believe me when I say I tried to keep him out, but he always wanted to come back to me." ? "What would you suggest so he does not get in?" A real dialogue unfolds, and we agree peacefully on a solution: If I cook something, I will put Mattis in his high chair and give him a job. If I'm just cleaning or cleaning out the dishwasher, he may be with me. Even Daniel has often found that problematic.
The next chance to practice I get one evening later: This Saturday we had three of us have breakfast, have been together in the park, then went shopping. In the evening, Daniel sits down with his son on the living room floor. I reach for a magazine, let me sink down to the sofa next to the two. Every now and then I admire Mattis? Game lions or a book that he brings me, every time I put the magazine away and dedicate myself to my son. He seems satisfied. Only Daniel is not. "Your mother does not have time for us now, she's busy," he says with sarcasm in his voice. It annoys me. But I stay calm? and later ask my question: "What was the problem before?" Daniel says I isolate myself, isolate myself. Instead of saying, "Why, we had three of us all day, do we have to spend time together?" ? So instead of entering defense and discussion, I ask, "Did you have the feeling I was not approachable?" ? "You take the magazine and hide behind it," Daniel retorts. "Eventually, Mattis will disappear behind his screen and stop responding to any question because he knows that about you." I force myself to continue asking, "What do you think I should do if I want to rest a bit and read the paper?" ? "You could say what you're up to instead of just doing what you want!" And that seems to me to be feasible. Really I can not understand Daniel's opinion yet. But I have discovered a concrete way to better handle a specific problem? without escalation.
What else helped us to revamp our communication? For example, to resume conversation 24 hours after a conflict. To offer reconciliation gestures. I told Daniel that he should not give me so many commands and not constantly evaluate whether I'm doing things "right" or "wrong." That he can save words like "always" and "never" because then the Scots go down with me.
And as for our Caribbean vacation: At that time I could have avoided quarrels and tears so easily! For example with these questions: "Say, what do you actually like about your job and is there something you miss?" But better late, than never.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde author Maja Schwaab talks about her couple therapy in seven episodes. In the next part: Why the parents are sitting on the couch.
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The finale in the ChroniquesDuVasteMonde dossier
Our battle for love - Maja Schwaab now tells her story in the big ChroniquesDuVasteMonde dossier (issue 22, from 8.10 at the kiosk). In it also explains therapist Peter, how he assesses the couple.
