How does a good divorce succeed?
Divorce always means giving up a great hope. Can such a break in life ever be "happy"?
Claudia Clasen-Holzberg: Separation and divorce are earthquakes for the soul. We all long for love and belonging; most couples have worked hard together. Failure to do so hurts. Especially for those who do not want to actively separate and now stands alone with his desire for a relationship. A peaceful divorce is a big achievement.
Veronika Richter: It is a feat when a divorce succeeds peacefully. Both must do a lot for this: grief work, loss management and constructive behavior.
Ulrike Donat: Pulling a line under an unhappy marriage can also be very relieving. Nevertheless, very different feelings are usually involved. At the breakup, they are initially as strong as they were in the infatuation phase. The important thing is the year of separation in which the emotions can settle. Good mediators, good lawyers can do a lot to make reassuring agreements during this time. Terrible I think lawyers and colleagues who pour "oil into the fire" to get many lawsuits - there are, unfortunately, such.
Separation often includes arguments and reproaches. When is the decision ripe that only a divorce helps?
Clasen-Holzberg: When there are hardly any moments of closeness, joy, togetherness, security. If you can not see anything in the other person that attracted you to it at first. When you feel depressed, hopeless and alone or irritable, tense and aggressive in your relationship.
Donat: The breakup is like "catching the air". The cycle of the unhappy relationship is broken. However, anyone looking for separation counseling or psychological support during this phase can also experience that divorce is not the only possible change. In the consultation, I ask the question: "We often have to divorce in life - what do you want to divorce?" and the additional question: "And what should possibly stay?" I often get amazing answers about that. Some couples can then take a look at their relationship pattern and decide to change the pattern and renounce divorce.
Is a separation going the way the marriage was before? In other words, is divorce actually extending the relationship by other means?
Clasen-Holzberg: I think divorce is ending the relationship by the same means. The problems that have already existed during marriage usually dominate the separation. Often they are still increasing. Then it comes again to the showdown, where old bills are to be paid.
Judge: If you treat each other with respect and respect, the end will be relatively peaceful. However, a love relationship can not become friendship at the push of a button.
Donat: When people have a power, competition or fighting relationship with each other, the divorce continues as a "war of roses". Even great passion cooks up again in separation and divorce.
When is mediation helpful? What can she do?
Judge: A mediator is "the most partisan third party". He helps his clients to find good solutions. In mediation conflicts can be settled, topics made visible and needs identified. There are also facilities like the Cooperative Practice, where lawyers and coaches work together as a team. They accompany their clients up to agreements that are satisfactory for everyone.
Donat: Good mediators make everyone listen to each other. In the conflict we often react impulsively - mediators slow down the whole thing. In doing so, they proceed step by step: first a working alliance is developed, then the topics that are involved are collected. Only then does conflict resolution begin. In the early stages of separation, mediators initially help to find transitional arrangements. In the context of divorce, they then help, above all, settle disputes over money and property disputes. The clear structure of the mediation and the constructive nature of the talks keep contending people in check. All of this works well when both are willing to entrust themselves to a mediation process, and when the mediator is well-trained, such as the experts recognized by the Federal Association for Family Mediation e.V.
If there are still friendly feelings for each other, hard, clear decisions can be difficult. Do resentment and anger make separation even easier?
Clasen-Holzberg: Anger is the energy it takes to break away. Grudges and anger often make separation easier. Divorce, however, is about negotiating terms that both can live well with.Friendly feelings, concern for the well-being of others and the responsibility for fair solutions will do us good again.
Judge: Building an enemy picture may be helpful for a while. But when the most beloved person suddenly becomes the most hated person, something is probably wrong. Friendly feelings also help to let others go in peace.
Donat: Anger and resentment help to get away first. These feelings have to be talked about, only that clears the way for common solutions. Oppressed feelings often lead to years of blockages.
When it comes to money, it is often difficult. How do you find fair compromises during divorce?
Donat: There are two options: either blanket arrangements for maintenance or for the gain of assets - as the divorce law sets them. Or individual regulations that are based on the possibilities and needs of the participants. In the latter, the cake is often enlarged. For example, if you support the children, I can work more, then we all have more money. Fairness also requires acknowledging the burdens and achievements of the other side.
When it comes to choosing children, everyone always wants the best. But what that is - opinions often differ widely. How are really good solutions found?
Clasen-Holzberg: Children need to know what they are about. Depending on your age, you can include them in decisions. But mother and father must be careful that they do not carry out conflicts, anger and disappointment over the children. And: never make children allies against the partner! You bring them into incredible conflicts, for example, when you speak badly of others in their presence.
Judge: The best thing for children is always what gives them protection, security and security. This includes reliability. Children deserve to be respected as full-fledged people, even though they still need the help of adults. Even in difficult times, good parents teach them: "I am glad that you are there, you are important to me, I am there when you need me."
Donat: The best thing for children is, if they are allowed to love mother and father and have contact with both. This is what all so-called divorce children explain when they report their memories as adults. Good solutions produce neither winners nor losers, but cooperating parents. For many children, switching from one parent's home to another's home is difficult at first. Each time they feel the sadness of separation and are overwhelmed by the new circumstances. If parents do not know how to evaluate changes in their children during this time, they can contact an educational counseling center.
How much should children know about the reasons for separation?
Clasen-Holzberg: Children need as much information as they can understand. Somebody who wants to actively split up has to take responsibility and openly explain his reasons. Children lose a lot of support during separation and need security about what they have left. Decisive is the conviction: "I'm breaking up with your dad, your mom, not you, you're not the reason." Children love their family and usually have hopes that the parents will get together again. Especially small children keep this deep wish. And they are quickly ready to blame themselves. Explanations such as "Mom and Dad do not understand each other so well" are therefore not enough. The child then uses: "Then they have to talk more with each other."
Judge: Children should know that only the parents are responsible for the failure of the relationship. If you give the child too much insight, it is easy to push into a partner replacement role. Not good at all.
Donat: Children should be spared from love and the argument of their parents. Even older children should not be used as a grief box, girlfriend or rubbish dump - this is clearly abuse. For worries and feelings of guilt or even anger and hatred, parents should seek another address to cry out.
In times of crisis, things can not go smoothly, however much they try. What to do when the tone changes, the mood gets more irritated?
Clasen-Holzberg: Abort, stop. Take a break. For reassurance. Continue at another time. If the tone becomes more and more irritable: consult a third party, a mediator or a therapist.
Donat: Getting stuck in conflict has never helped. In the case so interrupt, win the distance, do something nice for yourself. If it repeats itself: seek professional support, go to mediation in time. A new, constructive culture of conflict has already brought the turning point in many cases.
Respect - the magic word for any marriage, but also for the time afterwards, especially when there are children together. How can one preserve and protect respect for one another?
Clasen-Holzberg: The basis for respect is the time spent together. If you succeed in remembering the good times, you can continue to respect the ex-partner. At least as a parent.Because without him there would be no common children. They may be reason enough to be grateful to each other despite all the alienation and disappointment.
Donat: Respect is based on self-respect and respect for the diversity of the people. A mountain has gentle southern slopes and rugged northern walls. In the conflict, however, limits our perception, we see only the north wall. Then we need support to return to respectful treatment. Only when I feel understood, I can look benevolently on the other.
