Beware, ego trap!
What is the ego trap?
Photo: istockphoto
Permanently seeking singles use strategies that I call ego traps. An ego trap is a hurdle that the searching single sets up and about which the potential partner should jump to prove that he is ready to meet the expectations he has. The catch in this test is that one expects reactions that a partner might show if he were already in relationship and felt bound accordingly. But the singles are not that far away and therefore the test can not succeed. In the end, the trapper is trapped in his own trap. Let's take a closer look at such traps.
Looking for a partner that suits me!
Photo: plainpicture / marlies plank
This widespread ego trap is under the motto: "How to give a partner the impression that it is only about him secondarily." This is not difficult, all that is needed is a short dialogue before the first date.
"When are we meeting?"
"I do not have time this week."
"That starts off well, if you do not have time for me now, we'd rather do that!"
The little dialogue shows that the thoughtless phrase "I have not found a partner that fits ME" is exactly the same. Often I have heard sentences of singles of this type like the following. "I do not want much, it's enough for me if my partner makes me feel that he is the most important person in his life." Then nothing? That's really a small thing! So the chosen one must show that he is ready to withdraw. He has to work. Who does not work as expected, is sorted out or even realizes that his needs play a subordinate role? and gets out of the dust.
Looking for a partner that I like!
Photo: Fotolia
This somewhat less common ego trap has the motto: "How to put somebody first to fulfill your own expectations." The wording shows that it is basically a deception. The single adapts to the chosen one's imagination so that he does the same thing that is expected in the first ego trap: to put him in the spotlight. His secret belief is, "If I do what the potential partner expects of me, he will give me what I need." This single-type does not seem dominant, but unpretentious and adapted, it offers itself to the "exploitation", so to speak? on. His strategy thus amounts to disappointment. Either he feels exploited after a short time or understands his counterpart to have no counterpart, where he can rub himself.
Let's look at other ego traps in the form of small examples.
Looking for a partner who has been waiting for me
Photo: Fotolia
Robert is 39 years old and has been searching for quite some time. He prepares himself diligently for a date, makes for a "impeccable" appearance and brings each woman a large bouquet of flowers. In his pocket he carries a small case with two unmarked wedding rings. He knows where to marry (in a lighthouse by the sea) and where to go for a honeymoon (to the Maldives). He wants to have two children. His wife does not need to go to work, he finds that children need a lot of love ... He considers such an enumeration of his ideas to be an "exchange of views". Several times already he has opened the box with the wedding rings at the end of the first appointment. On a second date with a potential partner, he brought two glasses and a bottle of champagne. To a woman he met repeatedly, he handed over a book with blank pages, stating that it contained everything that bothered him.
Robert makes offers to women, which he believes they can not refuse. "Women want that," he says in a subordinate clause. His strategy consists of a mixture of persuasion and shoaling. Although he makes no explicit demands, he makes it clear how he imagines a relationship. He does not openly argue as a determiner, yet he leaves the certain impression of wanting to dominate a relationship. The women feel compelled and see him as a "suppressor." You react partly amused, sometimes outraged? but no one took him seriously.
Looking for a partner who carries me on hands
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Inga is 26 years old and has never had a boyfriend, although a lot of men are looking after her. The last one Inga met was also seriously interested. She made it difficult for him by "rearing" herself. When they met, she let him "fidget". A kiss on the cheek she allowed after the third meeting, a kiss on the mouth not. When the man spoke to her, she answered: "Do you think I need it? Do not think too much!"
The partner does not have to conquer her, he does not need to pay homage to her with love but he has to make an effort. The strategy with which to test his willingness to work consists in distance and shortage. She feeds men, lets them fidget and only very slowly come closer. Inga wants to be convinced by the potential partner. Basically, she is suspicious and afraid to be exploited. But that does not show her, on the contrary, she seems arrogant, as if it were a mercy to be heard by her. Unfortunately, so far none of the men has responded to their behavior as desired, instead they are "off the field".
Looking for a partner who will not disappoint
Photo: istockphoto
36-year-old Tanja looks good and is doing very well in her job. She meets quite a few potential partners, but she breaks contact again and again. Recently, she became interested in a man again. It sparked right away. On a sailing trip, it happens. They talk noncommittal about life ideas, and he says: "Children are no longer eligible for me, but I feel too old." At the same moment, Tanja describes her feeling, "the Scots fell down with me, there was nothing left". It makes you tight. She then does not talk to the man until the evening and never wants to see him again. Why? "Because that does not work". To implement her expectations, she applies a kind of business strategy. She carries out the relationship as a project in the course of which she puts the partner through its paces. If he does not seem to be fit, he immediately withdraws, because everything else would be a "waste of time" and "ineffective". She can "do nothing" with such a person, she "dismisses" her.
Seek partner who accepts me
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45-year-old Klaus gets to know numerous women via the internet, but he does not get any further. He has just received another rebuff. The woman met repeatedly with him, after the first night she made a relationship with the words: "You're great, but somehow you are too dear to me." What she means by that, he can not understand correctly. I search for his behavior. He speaks of taking women's wishes seriously, caring for them and adapting to them. I ask him if he never disagrees or pursues other interests, or if there are any points of friction between him and the women. Klaus replies: "I am more of a harmonious type and prefer to avoid quarrels." Although I have not spoken of strife, but of friction, but his remark shows that Klaus fears strife and disharmony and absolutely want to avoid. "What about sex, what's going on?" I ask him. Klaus answers indirectly: "I only want what the woman wants." Klaus? Comment indicates his strategy. He wants to be accepted, and he adapts to the ideas of the potential partner. He denies differences and pretends that both have the same expectations. To put it mildly, he makes a "dear" impression, clearly speaking to women as a "servant", as someone who subordinates himself to receive recognition and love. At a servant, the women he cares about seem to have no interest.
Seek passionate partner who relieves me
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42-year-old Marie is self-employed, successful and has no problems meeting men at all. She is attractive and sociable and often has passionate encounters, including quite a few with younger men. Only her greatest longing for a partnership is not fulfilled. A month ago, it almost "worked". What happened then? The man was several years older and very wealthy. In bed it worked reasonably, but he did not want to tie himself up, at least not yet. Marie had a great deal of understanding and recommended a therapy so that he could work on his "irrational fears." Because he is a bit short of breath, she suggested to him sports, and because he is sometimes "too fast" in bed, she gave him a Tantra book. She was of the opinion that he should "work more on himself". This indicates the strategy with which she wants to enforce her expectations. Marie does not openly act as a determiner, but as a helper and teacher. But she's working on changing men to make them fit. The men feel what comes to him - and close.
Be in relationship
Photo: istockphoto
The described ego traps have one thing in common. Those who set them up do not relate to their counterparts. For whether they deliberately put their expectations above the needs of the partner, or whether they seem to be subordinated in the manner of appeasers? they are primarily concerned with themselves in order to assert their expectations. The opponent they have not on the bill. You could say they are more related to themselves than to others. And because they do not relate (though they think they do), relationships can not build.
So the solution is: If you want a relationship, relate to yourself.Go in relationship!
That's the real relationship trick! When applied, everything changes. It changes seemingly unchangeable feelings, it changes interpretations, it changes the reactions to the potential partner and it changes the impression you make on him. And then the contact and the relationship initiation take a completely different course. So the solution for seeking singles simply means: relatedness. How to do that and much more can be found in the book.
Where are you, and if not, why?
Couple Consultant Michael Mary has been helping people with relationship and personality issues for over 30 years and has developed the unique "experienced advice". The ego traps are just one aspect of his new guidebook "Where are you and if not, why? How to find the right partner without looking for it".
