You are constantly being rejected? So you can handle it!

ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: Dr. med. Wolf, why does rejection hurt us so much ??

Dr. Doris Wolf: On the one hand, it is the longing to be recognized by others and to be integrated into a group that also gives you something like a feeling of security. The other aspect is that we often make our self-esteem dependent enough on whether we can arrive and land with others? and when they reject us, we reject ourselves at the moment. And finally, a rejection adds to the feeling of helplessness and lack of control: someone is doing or saying something, and I have no way to influence it.

How do you deal with it when you come into contact with a person who rejects you?

I think that one should not give up so quickly and find out in a really open conversation, why this may be. But if it turns out that this rejection has nothing to do with your own person, you have to reduce your own expectations. And to make it clear again and again: It does not have to be love, which strikes me there, and I do not have to love the person either. And she will behave and say that at the next meeting? but I'm prepared for that and I give her the permission to do that inwardly. However, if it's too hard for me to use that power over and over again, then the only option left is to avoid contact as much as possible.

Do women suffer from a rejection rather than men ??

Yes, I would say that is indeed the case. Women are more educated to provide harmony, and they combine their own well-being more than men with the recognition of others. And at the same time, they tend to make fewer wishes to others, but secretly expect more from them. And if the counterpart then behaves quite differently? maybe because he does not know what she wants from him? they feel hurt. And start to ponder: what could I have done wrong? Why is he behaving this way? But when I play through it in my imagination again and again, the feeling of hurting is kept alive and it occupies an ever-larger space.?

What should you do instead?

To ask. Did he or she really mean it that way? Did I understand that correctly? You can ask that directly to others or yourself: is my explanation, which I have come to terms with, the only one possible? But even if something was actually deliberately offensive and a real rejection, one should keep reminding oneself: it is a view at ONE time of ONE person surrounding me. As I always tell my clients, not even Jesus was loved by all.

And if the rejection does not just come from one person, but moves through a sphere of life? You only get baskets in love. Or has already written 50 job applications, without success.

If you always have to deal with rejection in the job or in love, you should already investigate what own share you have it. That can be a lot: the choice of clothes, the body language, how I start a conversation, how I continue it, but also the kind of people with whom I try to get in touch. Since it is of course difficult to find out for yourself, it makes sense to get honest feedback from a trustworthy person. But: That does not mean that I'm not alright as a human. It's just that there may be one or two aspects that I might be able to change. The real problem is when I almost throw myself away and see as persona non grata: He has not invited me to the birthday, so probably think me all people for unattractive, uninteresting and unlovable.

A series of rejections? especially with life topics as big as love, friendship or profession? but probably everyone goes to self-esteem.

It gets easier if I keep telling myself what's going well: I have an intact family, I used to celebrate success, I can do something. And as for love, there are people who come to me and say they never find anyone they have absolutely nothing to offer. This is nothing more than their personal assessment, because there is not one single criterion that says: If you have that or something, you are totally unattractive to everyone else. And if the ten people I've been looking for did not want me, the conclusion is not that I'm unable to find a partner. But that maybe I just looked in the wrong place.

Nowhere is there as much rejection as in the social media. The Internet is often very personally hurtful.

?Yes.And because the other hides behind a pseudonym and you can not even reach him, your own helplessness increases. I sometimes get angry emails. Then I think: what kind of person is it that needs to pee on another person he does not even know personally? How much hatred must be in him that has nothing to do with me? But that's what I have to consciously recall. First of all, I just read. And I am concerned.

What do I do if my child is rejected? If I realize that it is nowhere invited, has no friends? should I get involved?

There are children who are completely satisfied with themselves, who prefer reading instead of playing outside with friends. If the child is not bullied and there is no pain in it, then I would not do anything.

And if there is suffering and the child would like to be more?

Then the parents are challenged to see what it's all about: is the child afraid of others? Is it aggressive? Or does it have a physical trait that other kids make fun of? In the latter case, the task of the kindergarten teacher would be to talk about it. I would also advise parents to organize joint activities with other children, preferably ones where one's own child has strengths so that others can see it in a different light. But they do not have much more options than parents. Only one more important thing: to strengthen your own child, to deal with it. And tell him that one is not liked by all people? sometimes not from those who want to be especially liked. This is a life lesson that everyone has to learn at some point.

The book of the interview partners on dealing with rejection and rejection: "From today no one offends me anymore" (248 p., 14.80 euros, PAL)

Dr. Doris Wolf is a certified psychologist and psychotherapist with her own practice in Mannheim as well as author of numerous non-fiction books on psychological topics.