Very bad, Mr. Woodpecker
When I was laughing as a child, my grandmother used to comment on it with the same remark. The phrase came so automatically over her lips, as the lightning thunder follows. My grandmother, born in 1900, said as soon as she saw me giggling, "The coral laughs!"
The coral laughs.
Many years later, when I reviewed newspaper archives for a term paper, I came to understand what the phrase meant: In the 1930s, there was a popular science magazine called "Coral," and this magazine featured a column on the last page for jokes. The heading was - you guessed it. So I calculated that my grandmother had been joking for almost 50 years. The joke had survived several economic slumps, a dictatorship, a world war, hunger, oil crises, relocations, deaths and even the end of the magazine "Koralle".
Anyone who has once got used to using a particular idiom in a particular situation can only be reluctant to do so. "At some point, the speaker may have had success with his remark or found it relieving to use it.This positive primal experience can literally burn in," confirms Hamburg communication psychologist and couple therapist Dagmar Kumbier. I myself constantly catch myself, as soon as one of my children speaks about dachshund, compulsively the old shouting rhyme "What are you doing with the torch there? We're chasing the dachshund here!" wants to quote. Only great effort of will keeps me from it. But I do not want to annoy my kids even before puberty.
Maybe I would not do that. Because some expressions belong to a person like the dress style, the way to go or a liver spot: they make him adorable. That's how it was with Grandma's coral.
But other language moths are by no means endearing, but annoying, disturbing, irritating. Especially if the partner nurses them, which can be more grueling than many a night watched over because of snoring. At some point you may not hear it anymore, the "pencil", the "let's see", the "yes?" in the end everyone, but also every sentence. Only: How do I get rid of his pests?
Like the parsley beside the schnitzel
"It makes little sense to work off any quirks of the partner," says Kumbier. I tend to answer with a counter question: Why do you really want to get rid of the quibble, is it really about the phrase, or does the partner's behavior annoy you otherwise? " Most of the phrases are harmless, little more than unattractive accessories in a meaningful message. Just like the parsley next to the Schnitzel: No one needs it, but the chef thinks it's beautiful.
"With harmless phrases, I advise rather to the insight that you can shape anyone to his ideal." And for the peaceful overcoming of the distance between reality and ideal: to humor - "the only miracle remedy in the couple communication known to me". Couples holding a phryschy pig for inflationary phrases report good results. "Of course you can also draw attention to the quibble, but avoid devaluations and judgments about the partner," advises Kumbier. In particular, terms such as "always" and "again" are forbidden, as they give the other the uneasy feeling that he is a complete idiot.
Not bad Mister Specht
The situation is different when a phrase intervenes in the communication. By offending, exposing or cheating the partner a serious answer.
At the end of 20 I met Philip. I was thrilled with his humorous, laid-back nature. He had a kind-hearted - repartee, based on a sheer inexhaustible supply of original sayings. I laughed tears and fell in love. It took me nearly two years to realize that my partner's spells were by no means inexhaustible and by no means always original. Above all, a particularly horrible phrase tormented me: It always came when I had told the beloved man something that I was very happy - but he did not care a bit. Or would have forced him to an answer that sought to do justice to the complexity of female emotions. In short, an answer that overwhelmed him.
For example, I said, "Since my acupuncture, I finally have no more menstrual pain!" He (fixing a point just below the ceiling with a glassy look): "Not bad, Herr Specht." Me: "Anne and I talk to each other again, after five years of radio silence!" He (stretched): "Not bad, Mr. Woodpecker!" I (test): "Stockholm has just called, I have been awarded the Nobel Prize in theoretical physics!"
He (carefully wringing a lemon into his breakfast tea): "Not bad, Mr. Woodpecker."
Stockholm just called, I was awarded the Nobel Prize!
The irritating thing about this answer was not just its complete lack of content. Or her constant repetition, which the man at my side did not even seem to notice. The most irritating thing was that the spell strangled any further discussion of the topic. Because Philipp gave thereafter only monosyllabic answers. Since I do not like monologues, I learned to change the subject as soon as Herr Specht knocked. Finally, I learned to change my friend. The relationship did not fail because of Philipp's phrasemongering. Probably because I did not feel taken seriously.
"With this saying Philipp has broken the contact, that is offensive," confirms Dagmar Kumbier. If one deals with a remark that is understood by the recipient as a negative or manipulative message, it would be of little use to fiddle with the language use of the partner. It makes more sense to discuss the situation in which the phrase appears. "Tell your partner how you feel about his statement," Kumbier advises, "And ask him what he means, do not make the mistake of thinking that you've figured out the meaning of a phrase!"
No problem
With a bit of luck you could bring to light such a misunderstanding for years - with a little less luck a problem that affects the way the partners deal with each other. "But at least that's on the table!"
A misunderstanding also suspected my girlfriend, who suffers from the "no topic" -Seuche, infected with her husband. Particularly treacherous in his symptoms is that her husband usually does not quite tell the truth when he claims that fulfilling a request is "not an issue". Because then they get along with it, its cursing, the irritation, the junk.
She had therefore told her loved one carefully that she never knew in "no topic", whether she could count on a completion of the order or not. He had been confused at first, then insulted, then asked if she had no other worries, and finally declared that he could say something else, not an issue. "Exactly," thought my girlfriend and decided to take the matter with humor.
Read on
Dagmar Kumbier: She says he says so. Communication Psychology for Partnership, Family and Work, Rowohlt Taschenbuch, 416 pages, 8,95 Euro
