Unfulfillable wishes - "What do you expect from me?"
I already knew that the SMS came from her again. We just had two hours ago. It was about tonight - and the accessibility. We did not live in a city, so we often talked on the phone and often set times before. But I had an appointment that evening and did not want to talk on the phone. Moody mood vibrated at the other end.
After all, this relationship failed after a few months. My girlfriend wanted too much closeness. Constantly had to be phoned and texted. As reinsurance for her emotional commitment. Otherwise, she found that as a couple but best could do everything together. The interesting thing is that I might not have found her desire so disturbing had it not been for a subliminal uncertainty and need that I felt, even if she did not say so. Suddenly there were reasons everywhere that were boiled up to the problem and interpreted as a lack of affection.
Is there a patent for partnership? I dont know.
Her reason for the desire for total closeness was the killer argument "love". In fact, little by little she revealed how little she was and how unable she was to be alone. And I increasingly felt that I should compensate for huge childhood deficits.
Is there a patent for partnership? I dont know. All I know is that a love affair like nothing else is suitable as a projection screen for our desires. Nowhere else can we escape so well from our fears - at least in the beginning. We hope to find security there, to strengthen our cracked self-confidence, to make up for our deficits. And most of the time we meet somebody with whom this can succeed in the short term and superficially.
In her presentation: "The inner divorce" speaks the Austrian psychotherapist and supervisor Prof. Dr. med. Anneliese Fuchs of the Illusion as a twin sister of yearning. Illusions obscure us and make us greedy for each other. Women become a bit blinded (and men are often blinded). At the beginning there is still peace, joy and a lot of sex. The partner is still full of secrets. Everything is possible.
The more shaky the self, the greater the desire for salvation - from loneliness to twosome or thirsty ... And the more severe the side effects are, the awakening afterwards. Especially in the first year of a relationship, you can experience nasty surprises. It is not by chance that one has "looked" in someone and even "loves".
Sooner or later, every superman goes into descent - and the disappointment comes
However, it becomes really disillusioning when the hormone level abates again, and the pink glasses are replaced by x-ray glasses. The glazed look suddenly becomes a critical, analytical one, and the superman goes down. The partner is suddenly to blame that we are not happy because he does not live up to our expectations. Or can not do it justice. And then comes the disappointment. Arise anger and aggression, on the other, who can not save us. Much of the projection is that most people assume that the other behaves the same way as you do. That he thinks and feels similarly. What he rarely does.
But why do we go back to these illusions again and again? Should not we be smarter?
We all make bonding experiences in childhood and experience more or less security. We accumulate deficits (for example, a great loss anxiety), and we develop patterns to compensate for them. This usually happens unconsciously. And just as unconsciously, we are looking for a partner who could save us. Unfortunately, there is an unwritten basic law: lack is lacking and wealth in turn abundance. That means we can assume that a rather unstable, anxious ego does not attract somebody who is emotionally stable and with himself, but again his equals. Then two people meet with two pretty big construction sites. And what at first may feel like a "soul mate," because both have similar themes, usually ends in unhappiness - in a vicious circle of compensations.
Of course, there are many people who lead healthy relationships. They are both themselves and together more. They grow together, also because of their problems. Where neediness and giving are balanced. But these are usually people with a mature sense of self-love. People with a healthy self-esteem who are satisfied and see the other as a beautiful, valuable asset - not as a crutch.This certainly has to do with age, with life experience and ergo acquired human knowledge. But above all, it has a lot to do with self-knowledge.
I alone am responsible for my salvation: this insight helps enormously
My new friend seems to have the total perspective in this regard. Right in the early stages of our relationship, she said, almost wisely, that she would no longer seek what she did not have on a man (meaning me in this case). But it would focus first and foremost on what is available, so on the credit side - and not in the target range.
Moreover, she is not keen that we will contract soon - or even think about it - nor that we already in the evening in the bathroom next to each other brush teeth or slippers. So mutatis mutandis. I can understand that very well. And do not take it personally.
To realize that only I alone is responsible for my mental well-being and nobody else, requires a certain honesty. But it helps. Immensely. And what comes with it: Only when I am at peace with myself, I will also attract people who really fit in with me. And not someone who falls in love with my phantom ego.
