Too old for a child ?!

It was a married girlfriend, in her late 40s, who was pregnant with her fourth child. We moms and mothers found these many pregnancies "exaggerated" and blasphemed. Until she looked me straight in the eye during a recent pre-delivery meeting - there was a hint of compassion in her eyes - she said, "I can not understand why you could want a life without children." Usually, I felt sorry for mothers my age, especially the nervous and stressed out, who at home often despaired of mouthy, door-banging teenagers and looked at us with envious eyes. Now I felt a fist in the pit of my stomach and for a moment it seemed like a female crook caught with a pair of signed cards - too old for a child.

Was I too far ahead at the time, failed miserably?

Because they did not want children because they did not have the right moment or husband to join in, because their careers were more important, or life just so spontaneously and completely filled in - the main reasons why many women between the ages of 45 and 60 have no children. Yes, and one day the biological clock had expired, a last desperate baby experiment perhaps still with some, but for the rest the topic was also considered as ticked off. Or? I had now caught up with doubts. Where did the sudden sadness come from an apparent loss that I had never felt before? Did I perhaps go too far then and failed miserably in the end trying to fool the typical female lot of motherhood? And where had the wish to have children, if I had secretly kept it, only hidden when I was young?

Review 60s and 70s. Yes, sure, an amazing time, sexy, loud and free. But getting along as a young woman in such an unbridled epoch was not so easy. For all, there were new recipes, other issues, and many in the new generation of women believed that life without children was more revolutionary and independent. At that time, I had no clear answers to the question of what motherhood could mean. Duty, pastime, possibility, escape or curse? Or even luck? No, at least not for me, because the concept of the nuclear family really did not look really happy.

Like so many of us, I had a young mother whose youth was strongly shaped by the war years, renunciation and trauma. After the war, the birth rate skyrocketed; Children were also a chance for emotional healing. There was no time for questions, not the luxury of self-discovery.

Now it is too late for a child

There was only hope: It will be, we have survived the war, we have built the cities, we will already master the role of the mothers. Daughters like myself, who were born into these years, had anxious mothers clinging to traditions, standing well in the kitchen, holding their tongues and ironing Papi's shirts. In spite of her unselfish efforts for the typical happy family idyll of the 50s, my mother could not convince me that submission and renunciation lead to happiness. Macholand was burned down! Now, the topics of men, motherhood and monetics should be reopened. We just wanted to untangle this powerless woman's role in our youthful impetuosity, had long hair and short skirts, were wild and idealistic, and gave more of sexual pleasure - with a pill - than the reproductive instinct.

My stomach is mine!

The great freedom that sparkled so sparkling and wonderfully adventurous before me, should not be broken by the fetters child. But you do not become a pioneer overnight, and the role has often been a burden for us women as well. We were bloody, though courageous, amateurs who made their way to a fairly unknown planet without any familiar footprints or role models. It was sometimes a bit very ideological and humorless. Of Geburzwang was the speech and sayings like "My stomach is mine" were defiantly recounted. Well, and if it stayed empty, that was wonderful too. For many women of the generation this calculation even went up.

My friend Melanie, 63, is a painter and has been living with a 65-year-old writer for 30 years. They both did not want children, "because an artist's household can not tolerate children, and I did not want to resign," Melanie says. She has remained faithful to her principles: "I find the alarmism about 'missing' children absurd Is human production of society a more important concern than philanthropy? The world must be changed, not increased."

Bittersweet awakening from the Peace and Love Dream

But the world did what it wants. The awakening from the Peace and Love dream was bittersweet.Much has been done and important changes have been made, but the groundbreaking concepts of life have proved unrealistic. Nobody was completely transformed. The hippie mothers and fathers left behind anti-authoritarian disturbed children without orientation, and also the allegedly great alternative of the single mother turned out to be socially unjustified hard work. And there are certainly mothers who only half jokingly say: "If I had known how hard that is, then I would have thought it over again." Barbara, 59, who is a photographer, would have done that, but for the opposite reason. "For many years I regretted very much that I did not have any children, my husband was much older than me, divorced, had two grown children and did not want any more, and I found my renunciation of love to be all right then we are divorced, I am old and secretly dream of adoptive children, and one should never for reasons of reason renounce something as elemental as children. "

Childbirth is not a necessity but a possibility.

Or think about it for too long. The metaphor of crazy trains and missed ships is very interesting. When it comes to transportation, there is always the chance to jump up again, but we humans can not escape our biology. Normally, with children, nature is the big regulator - even if we occasionally manage to outsmart them with great medical effort. Vera, 50, banker, married for the second time, says: "It's almost tragic, now finally I have the maturity and the desire to be a really good mother, have a great, child-loving man, who is even younger and now my ovaries strike, why is that so unfair? Hopefully my marriage will endure that. "

For many of the younger generation, such questions arise - still? - Not. Anne, 36, architect and daughter of a friend, has decided. "I do not want any!" At last you really have the choice! Children's warfare is not a necessity, but a possibility that should be tested as carefully as any other life decision.There are gifted and untalented mothers, the latter should not be let go of humanity unsuitable for the necessary sacrifices. "

But there are many undecided. For many women around the age of 40 today, it is particularly distressing to ask whether, as a mother, they would then be able to get a perfect match for their child and career. At a moment when all doors are open for professional reasons.

Film producer Johanna, who lives in Los Angeles, says: "I'm over 40 and can hardly sleep at night wondering, should I or should not I? What happens to me?" These questions race around in my head like a rocket, and The conflict tears me apart! My friend would like to have a child, but I have terrible horror to give up everything I've worked for so long. "

In the darkest cave of our psyche fight the yes and the no.

It is probably an overwhelming fear of self-abandonment and failure, which holds many women so tight. Somewhere down in the darkest cave of our psyche, the silent no with the longing for the yes fights. For me it was just the No that pushed me into a serious depression phase. No daughters and sons, including grandchildren, neither for my parents nor for me. Feelings of guilt still came to my parents' feelings of guilt. I have sometimes seen them shining with baby-shaking babies, happily romping children, and glancing at me with a questioning look. I had delivered no baby to cuddling, playing, loving and watching. But not me either. Nobody would inherit the beautiful nose, the perfect legs and the all-melting charm of my mother, and no one would inherit the joke, the musical talent and the lanky timidity of my father.

Just because you wanted to turn the world upside down

I miss the challenge of having a young, provocative life around me. The worst thing, though, is that without children, you have the biggest and toughest love story of your life. And so it's more the overall adventure adventure kid that I miss most, the real chance behind the narcissistic desire to be able to get involved a little bit further through his kids in the world.

Everyone knows there is no absolute protection against loss, loneliness and fear, neither with nor without children. For some women, this knowledge offers little comfort. Andrea, 53, a furniture designer, confesses: "Knowing that no child will stand by my grave is killing me now."

I find another renunciation regrettable. Whenever I visit my mother, she is already waiting for me at the door, and her eyes light up with so much joy that I just think, "I have no daughter to look forward to," followed by the thought: "Too bad that nobody has me to mother."

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How old is too old to have a baby? (April 2024).