Sex and menopause: This is how the desire changes
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: Ms. von Sydow, as one of the few female scientists, has examined the menopause from a psychological point of view. How many women have problems at this time?
Kirsten von Sydow: That is very different. One-third of women experience little discomfort. Another third occasionally has problems. The last third suffers greatly from the typical complaints of menopause, for example, hot flashes and mood swings.
How can you help these women so that they do not lose the fun of sex?
These are often women who are currently very burdened, for example, by illness or professional problems, or have experienced much stressful in their lives. Some may have been physically and mentally unstable before. Even women who have not met their desire to have children until then feel the menopause as a painful section.
In these cases, one can not look at sexuality apart from the rest. The problems should therefore be tackled holistically. If it is not enough to talk to a friend or a partner, psychotherapy or a support group can be helpful.
What do you advise women who only occasionally suffer from the symptoms of menopause. Should you refrain from sex in worse phases?
Every woman has to decide that for herself. But if a woman does not feel well, she is hot and cold, then she probably will not want sex. For some sex is no longer the focus and tenderness is more important. For all: do not build up pressure. Only freshly in love have sex as often as it is often portrayed in the media.
Does not that make my partner feel insecure when I feel that way? How do I best relate my wishes to my partner?
Many women forget that men change too. If the partner is about the same age, he may even have to fight with the first erectile dysfunction. Those who do not speak openly quickly build up misunderstandings. Men are irritated because they doubt their abilities and women may not feel desirable anymore.
Now the relationship needs to be re-explored. A "he-will-know-what-I-want" attitude is not working anymore. But this is also a chance to address what I like, what I want and what I do not want.
The sex does not have to be worse despite menopausal symptoms?
Sexual excitability and the ability to orgasm generally does not change in women. Many, however, have the problem of a 'dry sheath'. Sexually unexcited sex can be painful. This may not have been noticed before the menopause, because in younger women the vagina is always a little damp. Menopausal women should only have sex when they are agitated.
It makes sense to ask a doctor for advice?
Most certainly. Few women dare to talk to their doctor about menopausal sexual problems. But I also think it just as important to talk to other women. Who exchanges, realizes that it is very similar to others, and is thereby relieved. It is also important to tell the partner what feels good during sex and what does not.
Psychotherapist Kirsten von Sydow
To person:
Kirsten von Sydow teaches as a substitute professor for clinical psychology at the University of Hamburg and has a psychotherapy practice in Hamburg. Among other things, she has researched female sexuality in middle and older age and written the book "The desire for love among older people" (Ernst Reinhard Verlag Munich Basel).
