Questions to love
In the beginning everything is exaggerated: every change of perspective a promise, every conversation a revelation, every touch a happy shudder. When we fall in love with another person, that just feels great.
"We talk random indiscretions, I secretly pinch my leg, in the backyard the neighbors squabble and I stuff potato chips like a dumbass", the band Element of Crime sings about a first date in the song "Mit dir sich alone". Unfortunately, being on the proverbial "cloud seven" does not last forever. Sometimes the disillusionment seizes us after only a few hours.
But even if the enchantment lasts a little longer: At some point decides whether you just had a great time together or whether it really has become the great love. Why that is so often we can not really explain - how much of what we mean to know about love, even among experts is controversial.
Why do we fall in love?
You have to imagine two automobiles of the same make, rushing at each other and colliding head-on. "That's how Beatles guitarist John Lennon described the moment when he fell in love with his future wife Yoko Ono." Why do we fall in love? "Explained the Greek Philosopher Plato in a picture: Man and woman were originally fused into a sphere, but these globetrinists had too much power and presented a danger to the gods, which Zeus divided them into two halves: "Each one of us is a piece of one other people, "wrote Plato, which is why we are all looking for our counterpart.
Today, scientists are trying to answer the question of what happens when we fall in love, using elaborate experiments to answer. For example, Italian psychiatrist Prof. Donatella Marazziti found out that Cupid's arrow literally "drives us crazy", so that love is not rationally controllable. In a lab experiment with violently in love, she proved that the endogenous happiness hormone serotonin in this phase drops to a morbidly low level - the same finding is seen in obsessive-compulsive patients. But being in love makes you happy?
Nevertheless, why lovers still run through the area with a smile on their faces shows the following experiment: The London Brain Researcher Dr. med. Andreas Bartels and dr. Semir Zeki placed lovers in a magnetic resonance tomograph and showed them pictures of the one being worshiped. The result: in the face of the object of desire, the brain regions responsible for anxiety and mistrust almost cease their activities. And even if the serotonin level is low: Instead, the hormones oxytocin, vasopressin and dopamine, which promote feelings such as connectedness and euphoria, generously distributed.
"Falling in love can be described as a reaction that enables us to approach strangers," says social psychologist Claudia Putz, who has carried out a study on falling in love at the University of Hamburg. "Evolutionary psychologists assume that caution and anxiety over strangers determine our behavior, and the hormonal changes that occur when you fall in love reduce those fears." Only then could the primeval humans have made contacts and had a greater chance to refresh their genes.
Some researchers go one step further and describe love as a kind of survival strategy: because human offspring need support outside of the womb, love in the early years is downright existential for him, writes brain researcher Prof. Gerald Hüther. Therefore, we humans were "not robots programmed by any genes on self-assertion", but "children of love".
How do I get someone to fall in love with me?
The good news is: anyone can flirt - learn! And because practice is the master, there must not be a question for you: should I address someone I like, or not? Just do it! If you want to make someone fall in love with you, you should get involved with him - that's one of the most important rules for perfect flirting. So watch your counterpart and listen. A compliment must always contain a truth. General phrases such as "You have beautiful eyes" are of little value, rather say "In your eyes I see ..." - whether "curiosity", "suspense", "thirst for adventure" or "joy": you will instinctively find the right thing.
Many are afraid of the first words, the "opener", after all, one does not know each other yet. Here's the next rule: Be humorous, do not take yourself so seriously. Ask, "Excuse me, where do I want to go?" You make yourself a jig, but you will certainly reap a smile - at least. When you make your flirting partner laugh, he opens up part of his soul to you.That's how you become strange! That's what flirting is about: work towards making the other one memorable. Another good first sentence: "Do you know a place nearby where I can meet you?" So do not ask if the other one is going to eat with you, but when.
For the first appointment then: Search and find a common theme - even if you have to talk about football or wellness a little longer than you would normally like to do. So what? You want to create a common universe with your flirt partner, so it pays to invest time. And when you become a couple (which is inevitable if you follow these rules): Never stop flirting! Even after 20 years, stick your notes to the bathroom mirror or tell your partner, "With you the snow will be whiter!" Flirting, flirting, flirting - that's the secret, so you become irresistible and the other will fall in love with you again and again.
Why does sometimes the beautiful love feelings not great love?
The answer is simple: Being in love is not love! There is a desire in this question to retain, to preserve, to constantly feel the beautiful feelings of the first hours and days together. But everyone knows that this is not possible. For lovers, the testosterone and estrogen levels are so similar that there is hardly any difference between a man and a woman. This explains our sense of fusion at the beginning of love. However, this often insatiable longing for oneness is of a rather short duration, because there is another basic need besides the merger: the desire for independence and growth.
This desire seems far away at the beginning of love. He who falls in love denies the reality. And this unreality is beautiful! You and I fall in love with a picture in our own heads, which we impose on each other. A picture of how I would like and would like you. Disappointments are therefore programmed when the image and reality are permanently too far apart. Of course, being in love does not necessarily lead to frustration, but is the beginning of a great opportunity. It is important to use, for a lifetime. With the same partner or with another. With sensitivity and perceptiveness for yourself and the others.
And how do we manage to turn our infatuation into lasting love? Every couple has to find the right way for themselves. Nevertheless, all the partnerships described as lucky have a lot in common. The magic words are respect, fairness and attraction: Respect to me and to be appreciative towards you; deal fairly with each other; enjoy the attractiveness that is given to us. Respect and fairness we can train, the attraction escapes the will. This is also the end of the feasibility fantasies. We can not handle our relationships, let alone love. We can only adapt well to each other and then take it as it comes.
