Overcome fatal blows
Finding strength, showing strength, growing difficulties - all this is so much easier said than done. How does it work when the ground has opened under your feet? How do you come back to life after the death of a loved one, how do you find new courage after a bad diagnosis? And how do people manage to make their way despite adverse circumstances?
Ingrid Wöpke
For Ingrid Wöpke, a piece of wood can be a rejuvenator. Or a paintbrush and a pot of paint. Or a blank sheet of paper. Like when she decides to write a letter to the child that had to give birth to her dead more than 30 years ago. She is sitting in concert, playing a piece by Johannes Brahms, which is dedicated to Clara Schumann, because she has lost a child.
When Ingrid Wöpke memories come up: how she felt in the seventh month no movement. How she hung for three days on the weeping drop that was to initiate the birth. How the child was immediately wrapped up and taken away. Whether she was a boy or a girl, she does not know. As she listens to the music, Ingrid Wöpke decides that it is time to say goodbye. The next day, she writes a letter to the dead child, buys a red balloon at a funfair and makes both go up to heaven. She needs such rituals to express what she can barely say in words. When Ingrid Wöpke talks about her childhood, her voice becomes very quiet and she only says that she had "traumatic experiences".
She has always worked like a clockwork in her lifeeven if she was ill. She just did not talk. Not with her first husband about the dead child, not with friends when her second husband lost his job after the Turn and broke it, and not about the emptiness after his sudden death.
Painting and writing have comforted me in time of mourning. Today I help others - as an art therapist
When she got the news of his heart attack and rushed to the hospital, he was already dead. Again, she could not say goodbye. But she does not want to burden anyone with her grief, she is hard on herself. After only three days she went back to work; she only allowed herself to cry in the car.
Until she got depressed - and realized that she needed help. "In the first shock most people need someone at their side," says Gabriele von Ende-Pichler. The 66-year-old has already experienced many people in the darkest time of her life as a bereavement assistant. "The sentence 'Life goes on' is an imposition at such moments," she says. Researches show: Those who are in good hands with their family and friends will find it easier to deal with death. "You also have to be able to reminisce with tears and laughter and even with anger," says Gabriele von Ende-Pichler. And: Strength arises through courage and experience. "What I do not know scares me, everyone should look in their lives: what's in my path, what can I pick up and take with me?"
Ingrid Wöpke begins to work her way out of depression * when she discovers her artistic talents. The trigger is an apprenticeship as an art therapist, which she mainly starts to distract herself. She has to paint, shape, work wood - and then talk about it. "The first year was actually pure self-therapy," she says. She starts to write. It's as if creativity has removed a plug in her. She can also be treated psychotherapeutically and learns to talk about the stressful.
In the meantime, Ingrid Wöpke has become self-employed in Leipzig as an art therapist. She wants to give her patients what she has learned and experienced herself. "I have more appreciation for myself today, no longer apologize for everything," she says. Sometimes she praises herself inside. "And above all," she says, "I know now that I do not have to go through everything anymore."
* Competent contact points for those affected and relatives called the Alliance for Depression: www.buendnis-depression.de
Andrea Hahne
She has already survived five years. Five years, that's longer than her grandmother, her grandmother and the two aunts after the diagnosis still had time. The diagnosis is followed by death, Andrea Hahne has often experienced. Then she is diagnosed with breast cancer. Now it's your turn, she thinks.
Andrea Hahne has learned to accept the disease without surrendering to it. If the 43-year-old palpates supposed nodules on the scars of her breast, she does not allow the thought of a new cancer diagnosis. Instead, she follows reasonable steps: she waits a few days. Then palpate again. And if the nodules are still there, she goes to the doctor. Sometimes she calls him right away and asks for advice. Andrea Hahne knows that she can do little about the course of her illness.But she can inform, get active - and she does that for others. She joined the BRCA network (www.brca-netzwerk.de), which supports families with mutant cancer.
Yes, I have cancer - and yes, I am healthy
To keep herself active, she walks a lot and goes swimming every day. "Yes, I have cancer - and yes, I'm healthy," she says. "Sounds strange, right?" She knows that the disease can come back at any time. Her mother now also has breast cancer. And eventually it may also hit their children. But constantly thinking about it, Andrea Hahne does not want that. How did this woman learn to live so well with her serious illness? "Allowing closeness" is one of her answers. "Be there for others", another one. And if she is feeling bad herself? "Then especially the sentence 'Everything will be alright' will not help at all," says Andrea Hahne. What helps her: to stop the bad thoughts and to say that it will be different and better again. And: "Nothing is more beautiful than the sentence from my daughter's mouth: 'Mama, you are cool, good that you exist!'"
It will always be better for Ursula Grossmann * that it will eventually improve. Part of her story is quickly told: dropping out of school and leaving the home with 17, pregnant with 19, no degree, no education, dependent on social assistance. But that should not stay that way, she concludes. She takes her life in her own hands, completing high school, studying and working alongside. Today, Ursula Grossmann is responsible for the public relations of a hospital association, she has come a long way. A strong woman, surrounded by strong colors: in the living room a bright red carpet and a purple armchair, bright green cups on the table. Ursula Grossmann's eyes sparkle, she likes to laugh and a lot.
"I've learned that every difficult phase is a transition," she says. "When I tell others about my problems, doors suddenly open." Just like when she had a herniated disc in the middle of her studies and had to skip all exams - while her student loans continued to rise. She was about to give up her studies. But the professor, who confided in her, said only: "is out of the question" - and proposed Ursula Grossmann for a scholarship. So she could study without fear of existence.
Overcoming fatalities can make you proud
You have to punch through everywhere
"Never again," she says today, she wants to rely on government support. "Just miserable" she had felt when she once again "on the job" had. But even in this difficult time, Ursula Grossmann had clear goals. "I did not want extra jobs, but a real job." Helped her that she has networked with others: Twice a week she took care of the children of a neighbor, on two other days that took care of her daughter - and Ursula Grossmann could go to college. She gave a tuition to her daughter's classmate, and her father repaired her car. And sometimes it was just this one thought that gave her strength: "I do exactly what I set out to do, I have a great kid, and I manage to fund both of us."
Ursula Grossmann has every reason to be proud instead of hiding behind a pseudonym. That she does it anyway is a concession to her future career. She fears that it would be almost impossible for her to reach the next position if she recognized herself as a former social assistance recipient. Those who work their way out of poverty are still less respected by many than those who have been born prosperous.
* Name changed
Kirsten Schönharting
Kirsten Schönharting also has her sources of power. And she did it - right up to the top. In a small town in Baden-Württemberg she stands in a brightly lit hall; Machines roar around them, automatic sewing machines rattle, it stamps and hisses. "Here we produce self-adhesive tapes, which are later installed in cars," Kirsten calls Schönharting against the noise, "for example, as ribbons on the seats or as edge protection." When she walks into her office, she greets left and right, stops again and again, exchanges a few words. Kirsten Schönharting has headed the company "Strähle und Hess" for five years, has 120 employees and supplies the big names in the automotive industry, Mercedes and BMW. The 43-year-old says: "I know of no other woman in my position in this industry." At the moment, women with decision-making power are only involved in marketing or human resources. Kirsten Schönharting, however, negotiates directly with clients as the managing director, or she represents the company in China, mostly alone among men.
She started her working life with a tailor's apprenticeship and then studied engineering with a focus on textiles. During an internship at Mercedes, she became enthusiastic about the automotive industry. On her way up she had numerous sponsors. "You have to punch through anyway," she says.Because in their industry is rarely cuddly. Kirsten Schönharting has experienced women who have become hard over time, even on the face. She herself never wants to bend like that. But she demands a lot, works up to 80 hours per week. When the orders collapsed in the economic crisis of 2008 and 2009, all responsibility fell on her. What gives her strength? Kirsten Schönharting says that it is her employees, because she can always rely on them - and the success of the company. She is proud of this success, in a relaxed, easy-going way. Whoever sits opposite her feels that pride does not only make her happy but also strong.
What makes people strong for life, what helps them not to break crises? Answers to these questions are given by resilience research, a branch of psychology. The English word "resilience" translates to resilience, elasticity, durability. Since the fifties of the last century, scientists around the world have been investigating the durability of the human soul. A long-term study on the Hawaiian island of Kauai is famous: 698 children, a full birth year, were observed for 40 years.
One third of them classified the scientists as endangered, for example because they grew up in chronic poverty or because their parents were mentally ill. Two-thirds of these "children at risk" had severe learning and behavioral problems at the age of ten, becoming pregnant at an early age or becoming criminal. One-third, on the other hand, grew to be life-wise and confident adults. No one needed the help of social services or violated the law. Although these children were raised in problematic families. Yet, they were able to speak openly, pursue goals, and become active in times of trouble rather than feeling victimized. They had good friends, and many drew strength from their religion. All this had made her strong for life, regardless of her economic situation.
You can learn to master fads
"Resilience is learnable," says a German expert, the pedagogue Corina Wustmann. And that obviously applies even in adulthood - and even in the midst of severe crises. "Resilient people count on the success of their own actions," says Wustmann. "They actively address problem situations, they believe that they can influence a situation - but they can also realistically recognize when something is unalterable for them." In short, they are active problem solvers, they do not see themselves as victims.
book tips
Barbara Pachl-Eberhard: Four minus three. A woman loses husband and children in an accident - and deals with grief in her own way. 336 p., 19.95 euros, integral
Arno Stocker: The piano whisperer. Arno Stocker is almost blind, can not walk because of a spastic paralysis as a child and not speak properly. He still learns to sing and play the piano - and becomes a renowned piano maker. 320 p., 17.99 euros, Kailash
Gabriele von Ende-Pichler: You have more power than you believe. The bereavement worker describes power donors who can help in times of crisis. 192 p., 16.99 euros, Kösel
Mathias Jung: My turning point. Life crises and how we encounter them. The author gives an overview of side effects of difficult life situations, but does not go very deep. 291 p., 17.50 euros, Emu
Micheline ramp: The R-factor - the secret of our inner strength. The state of research on resilience, generally understandable. With self-test and tips for small, easy-to-implement behavioral changes. 274 p., 16.90 euros, Books on Demand
Sigrun-Heide-Filipp, Peter Aymanns: Critical life events and life crises. For those who want to study the topic scientifically. 448 p., 34.80 euros, Kohlhammer
