Neva suffered from bulimia? today she stages her curves

"I just wanted to lose 15 pounds."

So Neva Swartzendruver begins her story, which she told the portal lovewhatmatters.com. At the age of only 14, the American woman from Colorado wanted to lose weight for the first time. She was convinced that she was too fat and that she should use the summer holidays to lose a few pounds. "One knows the story of the girl who develops from the ugly duckling to the beautiful swan during the summer holidays and who is then admired and admired by everyone." That's what I wanted to be. "

The chasms of the internet

Neva was controlled by bulimia for a long time? she was never thin enough for herself.



© Neva Swartzendruber / Private

It started relatively harmless? Neva googled for ways to lose weight quickly and first came up with the usual advice, such as eating less carbohydrates and counting calories. But the deep rabbit hole called Internet swallowed the teenager outright? At some point she found herself on her first "Pro-Ana" website. In the forum, people cheered each other on eating as little as possible and getting thinner and thinner. At first, Neva was shocked? especially about how enthusiastically photos of totally emaciated people were commented on.

I had never seen anything like it, except for prisoners on photos of German concentration camps.



Neva remembers that on the one hand she found it repugnant and on the other hand fascinating to click through the pages. "There was that horrible magnetism on the side I understood later, it was this mix of community, control, and the sense of accomplishment." That day, Neva stood in front of the fridge for the first time and thought: If these girls go hungry until they look like skeletons, should they be able to skip a snack? or dinner. "And so began my ten-year struggle with the eating disorder."

I was like a fruit fly. And the eating disorder was like a dustbin full of rubbish.

Harmless beginnings before a downward spiral

Initially, Neva started relatively harmless: she missed a meal here and there and went jogging a bit more often. The first kilos tumbled quickly? her success and consumed calories the girl wrote in a motivation diary. But the initial excitement quickly turned into mania: "At some point I felt guilty if I did not skip a meal anymore, instead of walking a little more, I practiced daily to the limit." And instead of looking forward to her new body, she began to hate him more and more. The teenage girl developed fears and depressions and exuded herself from her friends and family.



Her thoughts were all about calories and her continued hunger: for hours, Neva fantasized about eating until she could not stand it any longer. Now she began indiscriminately stuffing everything that fell into her hands until her stomach was hard and swollen. Full of guilt, Neva then ran into the bathroom and vomited everything she had eaten before. After that, she was relieved, "I thought I found a cheat code."

"Eat, puke, starve, repeat."

From then on, the girl's everyday life revolved around bulimia. As long as she went to high school, did Neva feel trapped in a never ending vicious circle? she ate, vomited, hungered and ate again. But miraculously, she stopped when she met her current friend. For almost a year, she believed she was cured. "At some point I wanted to innocently lose a few pounds before the holiday and fell right back into my eating disorder." On Instagram, she received compliments for her changing figure, she fell again self-loathing.

I was hungry for more than just food. I was hungry for self-love.

That she was trapped again in a vicious cycle, she realized in summer 2016, when she was traveling with her mother and her little brother: "I was grumpy, lethargic and stuck to my calorie counting app It had become clear that I either ignored my brother or teased him when he wanted to play with me, did I really want to live that way? "

Instagram as a savior?

Neva did not want to continue like that, but it took another year for her to break the cycle. You helped? calculated? Instagram. Instead of other slender teenagers, the young woman now followed profiles that preached body acceptance and self-love. In December 2017, Neva announced on her own profile that she would ban diets of any kind from her life. "I hoped that even one day, I could have a healthy relationship with food and my body."

Check out this post on Instagram

A post shared by Neva Swartzendruber (@ditch__the__diet) on Mar 23, 2019 at 7:00 PDT

Since that day, she has experienced many ups and downs: Neva increased, not only in weight, but also in self-confidence: "I understand that my value comes from the person I am, not from what I look like. ( ...) Most of all, I've learned that there's only one way to develop a healthy attitude to eating and to oneself, and that's love! "

Today, Neva confidently presents her newfound curves on Instagram? sometimes with a wink. And sometimes she thinks of the day that changed everything. "When I think of this 14-year-old girl on this summer's day, part of me wants to hug her and tell her again and again that she's perfect." Nevertheless, Neva is clear that without her illness she would not be the human being she is today? and she is thankful that she has learned what love means.

About her story and how she is currently reporting Neva on her Instagram profile.

Radical Inclusion and Tales from the Playa Symposium - Crimson Rose, Founder of Burning Man (March 2024).



Bulimia, Instagram, Colorado