Narcissism in the relationship: When his ego destroys love
It's a noisy engine that he runs there. She already hears so much on the stairs. On the way to the restaurant he tells - business consultant, 14 years older - of his ex ("totally conceited") and that he has to get out tomorrow morning, London ("I fly HON status at Lufthansa"), the car he parks diagonally in front of the restaurant in the ban ("in view"). On the third date he wants to buy her Prada pumps. She deserves better. He calls her salary poor. He speaks of wanting to protect her. When she does not call back twice, she never hears from him again.
The next one is fitness trainer. The evening in his loft is based on a sophisticated choreography: from flattery to sex music. He calls spontaneously, often around midnight, to pick them up for the night motorcycle tour of the Elbe. When she quits ("I have to work tomorrow"), he reacts insulted like a small child. On the third night she realizes that he has not asked her a single right question yet.
She does not even get to see it afterwards. Several times he postpones appointments. "The board annoys. Sorry. Next Di? Same place?" The SMS comes 20 minutes after they should meet and seconds before it clears its number.
Those who date men over the age of 40 are in a pretty bad mood pretty quickly
Are they all narcissists? They put themselves in the limelight, are not really interested in the opposite, manipulate and patronize. And if something crosses, they are immediately taken aback. The way you date today favors those who like to show off. The eternal self-marketing of Tinder & Co. seems invented for the new narcissists. She offers the perfect stage for her ego: confident, decisive, real guy. Sure, that's just the undiluted self-portrayal, the women know - and yet superficial values on the glue, hoping appreciation at his side for himself: Who wants a Schluffi?
Test: Do I live in a narcissistic relationship?
Do you love each other at eye level? Or are jealousy, envy and accusations commonplace? Test: Do you live in a narcissistic relationship?
That's what the psychologist says
Hamburg-based psychologist Michael Cöllen has been working in couples consulting for more than 40 years. "About 40 to 50 percent of partnerships have narcissistic problems and the trend is clearly upward," he says. Among the single men are especially many narcissists. "Non-narcissistic men are often well-married and therefore no longer on the partner market." Narcissists, on the other hand, need and consume partners who often become interchangeable when they no longer provide sufficient affirmation. As a popular song lands on the radio in continuous loop, narcissists end up on the single market again and again.
Some narcissism is part of every partnership. This positive narcissism tilts into morbidity when the one who understands love first and foremost loves to be loved. In a partner, the real narcissist seeks mirror and stage for his grandiosity, struggling for attention, power, meaning. Characteristic: The partner is not perceived as an independent person, with their own wishes and needs, but only in their function as an echo of its importance.
The beginning of the relationship is terrific
At the beginning of the partnership, something like that can feel great, even for the partner. Because the narcissist pays in his currency: with attention. "There was no danger of rejection", says Tanja Knauer, 42, HR specialist. She describes the first few weeks as a flying carpet on which they together embrace the infatuation. Everything I said was awesome, and things went awry, I screwed up something, the others were guilty, our relationship was unassailable and sublime, above all, we were the royal couple. " University of Georgia narcissism researcher Keith Campbell speaks of the "four-month mark". According to the results of his studies, satisfaction drops rapidly. Ironically, after four months, relationships with non-narcissists reach their highest satisfaction.
Infatuation is exactly what the narcissist expects from love. Exaggeration, idealization, perfection - that is his world. Finally there is someone who confirms him unconditionally.
And they are apparently great men: powerful and generous, lively and highly intuitive, passionate and often brilliant. It's the ones who make a party party. Like a peacock, always ready to hit a bike.They are professionally successful, often take care of their appearance, have charm and a fine sense of what pleases their counterpart. Where the problem is?
The complexes of the narcissist
The problem lies behind the facade. Because the grandiosity of the narcissist, what appears as an unshakeable confidence, is nothing more than a huge spectacle of compensation, a fireworks painting fantastic golden rainbouquet in the sky and unconsciously distract from the fact that there is actually a small arsonist on the Work that is just burning a lot of energy and does not even know who he really is and what he really wants. One who has received no or the wrong attention as a child. Who was not loved for what he is and how he is, but was constantly being treated with expectations. "You are not good enough, you are not that I can love you."
The consequence is tragic: the offense eats away in humans, interfering with any normal regulation of self-esteem. The narcissist can not fall back on anything that stabilizes him, can not accept satisfaction, not even perceive it. "The narcissist is not vain, but distressed"says psychoanalyst Maaz. The injury has knocked the psyche out of the ground, now it craves insatiable after confirmation from the outside. "In the partnership he wants to force what he did not get as a child, the stronger the injuries, the more needy he becomes as a partner."
Tanja was completely absorbed by her partner. "I had become the cultivation of his brilliant system, his world, his values." Experts speak of the "Expanded Self," the extended self into which Narcissus gets her partner in. "The narcissist defines the other," explains Bärbel Wardetzki, psychotherapist from Munich. "The interesting thing is that the person sitting in the Expanded Self automatically takes on this role."
Why are women getting involved in this game?
Why only women engage in such a relationship? What is attractive about it? After the first high-altitude flights, nothing more than safety. As long as you pay homage to a narcissist, you enjoy fire protection. And there are often self-esteem, also narcissistic offended women who engage in such a relationship. The difference: they compensate for the injury differently. While he always wants to be confirmed so that he does not have to feel his inner hurt, she gets what she needs through a detour: she strives to do everything in order that the other may be well, in hope and expectation, to get recognition for it. The roles are often classically distributed, even as times change and there are more and more narcissists, who also live out their grandiosity.
"The relationship between narcissistic partners is an insanely busy business"explains Bärbel Wardetzki. "There is no togetherness in which one is the way one is, both claiming to be the other, to be always something, to represent something." And so they stabilize each other in external confirmation, building both on their narcissistic defense.
Sex is no longer an intimate dialogue, but another area of affirmation. How it looks then is very different. Men often use a program of techniques and shifts that are often similar to porn. "The program must replace what can not be felt," says Maaz. "Empathy is missing for the partner, tenderness must not touch the heart." It's porn sex. The body of the partner is just used. Sex like masturbating.
The end of grandiosity is the end of the relationship
Fragile becomes this community only when the deal does not work out anymore. When the man loses shine because he panics. If the woman at some point notices the perverted taste of not being meant not to be seen. Or it only happens decades later, when the man gets sick or old or retired. "The most common reason for separation is that the required recognition is no longer sufficient," says Maaz.
Tanja's narcissist was no showman. He has put his own light under the bushels. He has received confirmation of the devaluation of the others: "Everyone else was idiots," says Tanja. "Our relationship became more important because the world out there seemed increasingly threatening." And she was always manipulated. That's how he dictated what's really important. Beauty, for example - he said to his beautiful wife right from the start - is totally irrelevant to him. He did not notice that. When Tanya separates after eight years, she is sucked and energetic. Her ex has remarried.
The breaking point of a narcissistic relationship lies where the partner closes herself to the narcissist. If she shows: I'm not here for you now. Sometimes a nap is enough, and he is angry because she takes away his time. Bärbel Wardetzki calls it growing up. Women who are narcissistic have to know their own needs, see where they are denying themselves, finally finding their own position. Of course, anyone who criticizes the narcissist is either dropped or killed. To show limits is the only possibility, says Wardetzki. That's exactly what many people can not do today: dealing with shades of gray and above all with hurt. "Healthy self-esteem comes first and foremost from within, it's the ability to appreciate yourself as a person, even in the knowledge of your own inadequacy, not just because of something you have or can do."
"The inevitable conflict in any partnership is that there are limitations," says psychoanalyst Maaz. And our biggest job in love affairs is to endure these limits: yes, you make me happy, but not completely happy. I can not get everything. And yes, even my partner can not give me everything.
How do I recognize a narcissist?
- He is the one who sets the rules, but he violates it himself.
- He sets her down, is tyrannical.
- He can not forgive.
- He quickly feels bored by others.
- He becomes obsessed with details.
- He is suspicious when she is nice to him.
- Things should either be done the way he wants them or not at all.
- He is not really interested in her inner experience.
- He avoids feelings.
Read on
Bärbel Wardetzki "Eitle Liebe: How narcissistic relationships can fail or succeed" (Kösel)
