Mother's mum: If man can not live without mum

ChroniquesDuVasteMonde-woman.de: Mother's son - does the topic still matter to couples over 40?

Roland Kopp-Wichmann: Yes, especially for her. Many people over 40 also experience a kind of mid-life crisis as a couple. The relationship frame has often changed: for example, the house is built, the children have moved out - the view is now focused more on the relationship. And some then realize what has dissatisfied them for some time. For example, a partner who has not left his mother.

ChroniquesDuVasteMonde-woman.de: What makes you a man for the mother's son?

Roland Kopp-Wichmann: Parents' sons, more precisely, unsaved men, can be recognized in two main points. First, the inappropriate contact with the mother. He is either totally broken off, which is very rare, or he is too frequent and too intense. More important, however, is the second point: the role of the woman in the relationship. For a mother's son, the partner feels more and more like a mother to her husband. For example, he comes home and expects his partner to take care of him and look after him. Regardless of how his wife is doing. Did she also have a stressful day? Mum sons do not see that. In addition, such men do not tolerate criticism well. No matter how the partner wraps the message - mother sons are very sick and feel immediately attacked and challenged.



The psychologist wrote a book about men who did not abandon their mother. (Women want adult men, Kreuz-Verlag, 200 pages, 16.95 euros)

ChroniquesDuVasteMonde-woman.de: Does that also mean that mother's children are very dependent on their jobs?

Roland Kopp-Wichmann: No. That can be quite capable people in the job, who can deal there with criticism. You can separate thing and person well. But the moment they put the key in the front door, the transformation happens.

ChroniquesDuVasteMonde-woman.de: How can this happen? What is due to education?



Roland Kopp-Wichmann: The most common development is that men lacked male role models as boys. Boys need emotional contact with other men - ideally this is the father. Thus, they realize that men often behave differently than women. If a boy gets a scratch on the playground, the mother may be over-anxious and anxious. A father would rather say: "Come, that does not matter, we play on." This is just one possible example of different behavior. Male role models are not only missing because parents separate - many fathers are physically present but emotionally unreachable.

ChroniquesDuVasteMonde-woman.de: Is it just that male role models are missing?

Roland Kopp-Wichmann: No, another example would be that a boy becomes a kind of partner substitute for the mother. The mother discusses with him about the holiday or other matters, such as with a partner. But this gives the boy the feeling that he has to take care of his mother. Later, rituals can result - such as daily calls or visits. If he can not do that, he will panic. Both get used to this close bond, find nothing strange, but the partner annoys it.



ChroniquesDuVasteMonde-woman.de: Surely that's a conflict as well - he cares for his mother but not his wife.

Roland Kopp-Wichmann: That's often the case. Mother sons do not dare to let go of the mother. For example, when couples visit their mother, it sometimes becomes very clear. A detached son would visit his mother with his partner and it would be a more or less nice afternoon. For unreleased men, the partner becomes almost unimportant as soon as they enter the mother's home. There is a symbiosis between mother and son. If then the mother still makes tips against the partner, and the partner does not protect the partner against their own mother, the noise on the way home is inevitable. Here, the mother is partly responsible. Part of educating children is letting them go. Even if your own life may become boring.

Mother's son and sexuality

ChroniquesDuVasteMonde-woman.de: So the mother's son behaves like a boy because he has not learned to feel like a man.

Roland Kopp-Wichmann: Exactly, the characteristics may be different. For many, this is also reflected in sexuality. An unremitting man often has less desire to sleep with his wife because he unconsciously transfers the image of the mother to the woman. And you do not sleep with your mother. Some seek their salvation then in affairs, because with the beloved they are potent.That mothers sons do not feel like a man can be tested. When I ask her in a meeting to say the sentence "I am a man!" many can not do that. They laugh, become embarrassed or hang on a question mark.

ChroniquesDuVasteMonde-woman.de: How does a couple get the clear distribution "You are the man, I am the woman!" back again?

Roland Kopp-Wichmann: You have to work on that. The man has to take off. He first has to find out where he is stuck. For example, if he visits his mother every two days, I suggest that he visit her only once a week. When he says, "Good idea, I've always thought so" - then he should do it. But most of the mothers' sons say, "What, leave my mother alone, she has no one but me." And then you can ask further questions: "How would your wife find that if you only visit her mother once a week?" - "Yes, that would be good." And then I say, "who is more important to you?" That is the central question. Behind the replacement is indeed the missing decision for the partner and against the mother. One can be grateful to the mother for much, but the partner must come first.

ChroniquesDuVasteMonde-woman.de: What do I do as a woman, if I love a man very much, but recognize the typical patterns?

Roland Kopp-Wichmann: You should think about what it could have to do with yourself, that you have unconsciously selected just such a man. As for the man, I advise confronting him. But that should happen at an early stage of the relationship. Once I asked a woman when she first noticed his mothers-son behavior. Then she said to me, "After four weeks, I visited his shack and it was the purest pile of garbage." - "And then the alarm bells did not ring for you?" - "No," she said, "I thought if we move together, I'll get it off him." And today after 15 years, the situation is still the same. Her husband is a successful manager, who keeps his mails perfectly, but does not manage to sort his laundry into the laundry basket.

ChroniquesDuVasteMonde-woman.de: So you should give all moms sons directly the pass?

Roland Kopp-Wichmann: No, they also have a lot of good sides. But women should deal with their husbands, not avoid conflict. A woman has told me that she does not wash her husband's laundry unless she's in the laundry basket. This is a start, because men are more likely to react to consequences than words or allegations. It also depends on how strongly the man in the role is arrested and how the couple has arranged. Does he recognize the burden on the relationship? If not, the partner has to ask herself if she would like to keep up. If so, then you can work on it.

ChroniquesDuVasteMonde-woman.de: You wrote a book about this topic. How did you come to this? Were you also a mother's son?

Roland Kopp-Wichmann: Of course I was one. You can only write about such a topic if you know it inside out.

ChroniquesDuVasteMonde-woman.de: Did you manage to relieve yourself?

Roland Kopp-Wichmann: Well, let's just say, 85% of the time I've done it - no, probably more than 90%. It's a long way, but worth it.

Sun Kil Moon - Benji - I Can't Live Without My Mother's Love (March 2024).



Roland Kopp-Wichmann, relationship problem, conflict, partnership, longtime partnership, mother's son