Man without friends: He only has me

After each move with the family Susanna Wegener * had her twins Till * and Jasper * immediately new playmates organized. She scoured hoard and class lists, called mothers, and arranged to meet their children. Now, as a teenager, Till and Jasper are already hanging out in several cliques; Susanna Wegener, however, would most like to go back out again - for Hannes *, her husband.

Susanna's husband has no friends. He also does not have hobbies where you could meet other people. Hannes does not hiss a beer with old acquaintances, does not go jogging, hates watching football in a man's tribe. His problem, you might think. But it is not. Men without friends are very often the problem of their wives. Especially the types among the friendship muffles, the sociologist Ursula Nötzöldt-Linden describes as "conscious loner". They are not necessarily shy. They just do not have much desire for other people. A tough nut. And almost always a big burden on a partnership.

Such types exist. Lots. Some have always been, some are only with the time to do so. Like Hannes Wegener. He does not want it any different, Susanna Wegener calms down in the evenings she wants to spend with friends. Have fun, darling, says Hannes, kisses and see you later. "I know exactly: Afterwards he sits on the sofa, reads or watches billiards in the sports station and waits until I come home," says Susanna Wegener. "And I have a bad conscience that I am gone so often."



That annoys her the most. "For years I could not leave because of the small children in the evening, Hannes always came home late as a manager, Till just shouted at every babysitter," says Susanna, who has spent a lot of time as a housewife for years anyway for the sons. "Now the kids are more happy when they are alone in the evening, I've waived a lot for so long, and now I just want to get out a bit."

At the beginning of their relationship, the Wegener's were traveling together more often, dancing, eating - but almost always with Susanna's friends. Then came the kids and his career. Business lunches, loads. His calls that it would be late again. Customer talks, even on the weekend on the tennis court. Everything over since Hannes changed jobs.

Since he decided in the mid 50's: From now on, I want my peace. Ever since he gave up the lone wolf at home, he has realized with astonishment that his wife has not only been waiting to spend some cozy hours watching TV with him. "For me it's the other way around," says Susanna Wegener. "I was tied to the house for years, now I'm starting back to life."

With heavy steps, however, laden with invisible load: the certainty that Hannes is waiting for her at home. The fear that he is bored. Feeling as if you had abandoned your child. "If I come back after midnight, Hannes is guaranteed to still be there, supposedly because he's locked in or is dozing off," says Susanna. "He just does not go to bed when I'm not there yet.

A bad feeling. Sometimes I get really angry with him, even though he does not complain. "She still hears reproaches from her inner voice." Then I think: Why do not I stay with my husband, whom I had so little for years? "A question born of an imbalance of needs that would never arise if Hannes had a life of his own.



But so she tears a ditch, swallowing Susanna's contentment. "Basically, I have a hermit at home now," says Susanna. "It's like we're sitting together at the table, he's totally fed, I'm still hungry." Go away, do not you want to play tennis again, and what does your former school friend Anton, who visited us once, do? Sentences of Susanna, who should be door openers, motivational aids, starting shots. They hang in the rooms, still, limp and powerless. Unanswered, somehow hopeless. Susanna senses that there is no right solution to this problem.

It's all about needs. To friends, society, the outside world. To fancy talks, to exchange. And at some point, the realization that a love can not fail only because of the things that we lack, but perhaps also in the things that our partner simply does not lack.

Men who cuddle comfortably in their cocoon often do not realize that the air around them is so stifling that their wives sometimes have respiratory problems. "Tom * prefers to sit on the sofa with the guitar at home, never arranges to meet," says Karen Gerlach *, "he constantly stews in his own juice, so to speak."

He finds the fact that his wife dents with friends in the evenings at the Italian or goes to the movies with her brother that he likes - as long as she does not ask him to come along."His world is somehow smaller, he experiences less, has really nothing to tell, what I would not have chewed dozens of times with him." Own experiences, suggestions from others, impulses from the outside - nil. Tom only exchanges with Karen. "Sometimes he has totally absurd views, but he does not realize it because I'm the only one he talks to about it," Karen says. "And he gets angry when I hold against it, I wish so many times, he would at least have a friend who says: Listen, are you completely crazy now? He has not learned at all to deal with other points of view, to discuss, other opinions to be absorbed. "

Togetherness in the partnership is not only togetherness, but also the exchange with others. Bits of life, laughter, hours that fill you with something new - each one individually, not just one another. Make you happy, thoughtful, angry or melancholic. The change, personality evolve.



Part of the partnership is not only togetherness, but also the exchange with others.

"From meetings with friends, I always come home with inspiration," says Karen. "This is an experience Tom does not know." What he cares about, he always loads completely from her. "I'm the only one to be in the bin automatically, he only has me," she says. "How many times have I wished that he would discuss one thing or another with others, catch up with other opinions, just as I talk to my girlfriends about my problems and reflect on them when I talk about them, so that I do not even talk to Tom Little thing belämmere.

Sometimes I suddenly see things differently. Conversations with others help to look at something from a new perspective. "Tom lacks this regulative, his arguments nourished by the lack of input from the outside only of his own ideas, seem stiff and rigid, almost unforgiving, therefore overpowering His words are pointed, because nobody has ever sanded them down a bit, his ego is a wildly proliferating growth that hits Karen unchecked. "Discussing with him can be incredibly exhausting," says Karen Gerlach. "Actually, it often feels like one Power struggle between us. "

The Hamburg philosopher Harald Lemke writes that the "isolated individual" tends to "egocentricity because of his continued need for at least minimally lived social life, the other for the satisfaction of his social needs or harassed". The lonely cowboy, the measure of all things. He, a very big one, because his world is actually small.

Tired of contact Men also want to chat, debate, giggle, moan - but preferably with only one person: their wife. Like Paul *, who completely upsets his girlfriend Carola Jansen *.

"When you fall in love, you hang around, of course, but other people will eventually come back to life," says Carola Jansen. "I like to go to the film festival with my colleague Ute, I've been learning Italian with my colleague Vera for years, and if I want to go on a bike ride, I ask my neighbor, who likes to cycle as much as I do." Paul, however, passes his carola. He has given her the main role in his life - and occupied with her all sorts of supporting roles.

"That sounds flattering, but somehow I'm afraid that this solution is simply more convenient for him than always adjusting to other people," says Carola Jansen. "And I feel completely overloaded with this burden, in principle he blames me for everything, because he obviously has nothing that makes him otherwise satisfied - or let's say: nobody." Carola, girl for everything. Non-stop and nationwide. Not even for being alone remains in the relationship room: "He is practically always in the apartment, never goes out," says Carola.

"I just miss moments when I'm completely alone with myself." And if it's just about simply crawling for an hour or two with a pamphlet on the sofa and really nobody, even your loved one, to be addressed. In September, Carola Jansen will travel to Sylt for two weeks. Holiday, only for her, without Paul, for the first time. And she wants to take a lot of books.

* Names changed by the editor

Recommended reading

Evelyn Holst and Eva Gerberding: "Who says men make people happy - women on the brink of a nervous breakdown". With illustrations by Til Mette (192 p., 14,99 Euro, Southwest)

Can Men And Women Just Be Friends? (March 2024).



Hannes Wegener, stress factor, men, friendships, marriage