Love can also capsize

I can not sleep properly anymore, "says Ms. H." The little girl comes to school, the big one to high school. We move in two months. You still have your dental surgery. My sister is getting married. We booked this USA trip. Then my new job starts. I really do not know how to do it all. "

"Come on," replies Mr. H., "we have always managed that, somehow this will work out!" ? "Somehow, that's somehow, that's me!" And then they both are silent.

Mr. H. finds his wife slowly becoming depressed. She sees only problems, constantly everything is too much for her. Mrs. H. thinks it's up to him, and if she does anything depressive, those are his remarks. He does not even see how his job as a manager messed him up; all the time he just wanted to reach a new goal. Otherwise, he trains marathon and do not even notice what he is passing on to her. That he finds again completely unfair? in everything he does for both of them. The problem is rather that she does not move properly. And so they sit opposite each other irreconcilably: as a despondent thinker and ignorant high-performance stallion.

When roles in a relationship become too one-sided, the pairs polarize

Oskar Holzberg has been married for over 30 years and has been counseling couples for more than 20 years. He found that some sentences apply to all relationships. In each ChroniquesDuVasteMonde he introduces one of them.

Couples like the couple H. polarize themselves apart. The polarization occurs when the roles in the relationship become too one-sided. He sees no more problems at all, she discovers them everywhere. Everyone only represents one position one-sidedly. The community is lost and love threatens to capsize like a boat in which everyone just leans in his direction, but never at the same time.

In unresolved conflicts, couples polarize into horny and listless, dominant and cuddly, controlling and freedom-loving. There is no more colorful, the partners face each other as black and white. This is reminiscent of the Yin and Yang signs. But there is still a small white dot in the middle of the black field and a small black dot in the middle of the white field. They symbolize that one is contained in the other.

But that is lost to such couples. In fact, Mr. H. is awake and awake some nights. But because he fears her concerns, he does not want to reinforce them and therefore keeps his worries to himself. Conversely, she is sometimes optimistic, but she does not express it. Instead, she prefers to pay close attention to any problems that may arise in order to dampen his exaggerated confidence.

The small dots in the Yin and Yang characters are a nice picture. Because what annoys us at the other, we can always discover in ourselves. May we find ourselves so much more reliable than our unpredictable partner: We also forget things, even the conscientious person in a partnership has a reckless side. We can discover these parts in ourselves and share them with our partner so that we do not polarize too much. For as soon as our difference begins to feel exclusively, the love boat is about to lose its balance. And so love can capsize as well.