Late parents: Suddenly the children are there
Snack in Ingolstadt. The sky is blue, the sun is shining, a pot of white sausages is on the table, pretzels on every plate. Over the next four hours, Silvia Brandt, wild curls, energetic voice, big heart, will distribute to the hundred kisses. She will clear up puzzle pieces, settle quarrels about Lego bricks, encourage children to try mustard too. She will wipe dirty mouths, admire a football glove, look for a pink bracelet and see to it in the bathroom.
How does it feel to become a mother of kindergarten children overnight? "Insanely exhausting," says the 46-year-old and laughs. She laughs often, and one forgets about the question of whether she has become happy in her new life. Great luck and total exhaustion seem to lie close together in the red multi-family home of the Brandts. "The fact that children always demand something, that they have to pee, as soon as the snowsuit is put on, that hunger always comes when you are leaving the house, I theoretically knew," says Silvia Brandt.
For six months, she also knows how it feels. "I've never been so broken in my life as I am right now, it's a hell of a change." Her husband, a child on every knee, says: "It's over with spontaneity, just drink a beer after work, it will not work anymore." He does not look like he cares. Silvia, sales representative, and Paul, employees at Audi Design, have been a couple for 28 years. They have been parents for six months. Endless 16 years they were waiting for children. First on your own, then on strangers.
Sometimes they were very close, then again unbearably far away. Twice Silvia was pregnant. Both times the dream burst in the fourth month. Why, nobody knows. Paul's sperm are a bit slow but, according to medical reports, good enough to give birth to children. For years, his wife was treated hormonally and fertilize several times artificially. Nothing happened. The friends dived into family life, bought children's chairs, then wheels, drove the kids to riding lessons, celebrated enrollment and graduation. Nothing changed except the Brandts. While the others barely go out, Silvia and Paul are so often seen by their favorite Italian, that the friends scoff at the second living room. The Brandts travel through Asia and Australia, Italy and the Seychelles. In India, a man spontaneously takes the baby from his wife's arms and presses it to Silvia's chest.
"If you keep it, take care of it, you're better off with it," he says. Now or never, Silvia thinks for a moment. Then she gives the baby back to the woman. "I want to be able to tell my children later that everything went right." When a friend gets her first grandchild, Silvia hides in shock. She wants to be happy, but it does not succeed. Silvia and Paul give themselves hold and comfort and at the same time get on the nerves with the eternally same topic. "It was like being at the same bus stop with the same person for years, waiting for the same bus together, until you start to realize that the conversation is going out," says Paul Brandt, 52. He fights for the relationship, does not want to wear himself down let of the lost hopes. "For a couple, a life in the waiting state is the absolute test," he says. "The longer we waited, the more we wondered if we still wanted that." Little kids getting old parents. Hormone treatments. Always new disappointments. It is the love of each other that drives her further. "I knew how happy Silvia would be as a mother, what a great mom she was in. It would have been such a shame not to try everything," says Paul. He waves his knees, the children squeak. They do not think about separation and a new beginning with other partners. "I wanted to start a family with Paul, not alone and not with any man," Silvia says firmly. Before falling asleep, she increasingly ponders why her body is not functioning as it should. Is her uterus too poorly supplied with blood? "It was important for our love that, despite everything, we never argued about who was physically responsible for our situation." After having processed the miscarriages, they enrolled in 2006 for an adoption procedure. Silvia is 41, her husband 47. Too old for a German baby. You decide for Colombia.
"For us, there was only one country that could adhere precisely to the rules of the International Hague Convention on Adoption, so we can rule out trafficking and kidnapping," says Paul.In Colombia, a child may not be released from the country until it can not stay with his family and has no Colombian adoptive parents. Not more than 40 years should be between the age of parents and adoptive children, as the law provides. Because Silvia and Paul had applied for siblings up to five years, they just met the requirements. Silvia and Paul began to study Spanish, and were examined by the youth welfare office and the state-approved adoption agency ADA.
A psychologist and three of her friends rated her qualities, her marriage, and her love of children for the required reports. For Paul, the endless questions were agony. "No, it's not pleasant to disclose his most intimate hopes, to be asked, if you could easily wipe the snot from strangers." Then the first hurdle is done. The ADA sends its thick file with reports and certificates of good conduct to Colombia. With it also a folder for their potential children with current photos of them, their parents, friends, their house and even the neighbor's cat.
Late parents: Are we getting too old?
Barely a year later, the authorities in Colombia say yes to the Brandts. Now it is quite certain that they are having children. But when? Four more times Silvia and Paul flee to Thailand before the Christmas silence. "Unwrapping presents under the tree alone became more dismal year by year!" In 2010, Silvia Brandt tells her boss that she expects the arrival of adoptive children every day, then wants to take two years off parental leave. Your boss prepares the successor immediately. From then on, the colleagues also hope and hope with Silvia, who gets worse and worse with the waiting. "I was well one day, Paul had a low and vice versa," she says. "One pulled the other back into the black hole.
And if we had hidden the children's topic both times, someone from our circle of friends would ask: is there anything more about children? "Doubts arise, are not they too old? Paul calms down to being fit enough to squash And still having a lot of fun when he piggybacked friendly children across the lawn. "We are not as old as we are," says Silvia, instructing artisans with an attachment to their house when the children come Everything is done lovingly they set up two children's rooms, paint the walls green.Whether they get boys or girls, they do not know.
On July 1, 2011, the message finally comes: "You get a boy and a girl, siblings, they are healthy and not traumatized," says the head of ADA. Juan-David is four, Angie is three years old. Silvia is crying. Happiness. "Since that day, the shine has returned to Silvia's eyes," says Paul. He gets up, has to cook a cappuccino quickly now. Even before they know the biographical key data, they say: "Yes, we want the children." Twelve days later, the ADA clerk hands them the yellowed photos of Juan-David and Angie. It's a special moment. Your children look beautiful. "We just wanted to sign the papers right away," says Silvia. On the same day they have name tags made for the nursery.
In early August, the Brandts fly to Colombia. With trembling knees, they stand in the brightly colored parents' room of the Colombian family authority ICBF. The door opens, the children run in and their new parents straight into their arms. Paul suddenly can not remember a single word of Spanish. He looks from his wife to his children and back again. They hug, the kids jump around and want to know when they are finally allowed to go. Silvia is still overwhelmed today when she talks about these minutes. "They called 'Mamito' and 'Papito' and hugged us, thinking that they would be shy, maybe scared or suspicious, but there was no barrier from the first second, everything was fine." If there were not the different skin colors and their account balance would not have decreased after the adoption by about 13000 euros, one would not think that the family did not belong together from the beginning. Since that day Brandts is nothing like it was.
Not the silence at the breakfast table, which they enjoyed 28 years as well as the time each morning in the bath could take. Extensive showering? Past. Intensive exchange about the impressions of the day? Unthinkable. Mum, daddy, mom, dad, you can barely talk to each other, so in the morning I send Paul an e-mail to the office to let us know about our daily routines, "says Silvia Brandt. "It's all, really different than before." A quick kiss for the husband instead of cultivated rituals.
Paul has scaled back his visits to the gym to be home as early as possible. But the first kiss at the door is being picked up by Angie. There have been moments when Silvia felt reset. "I had to get used to not being the main person in his life anymore," she says. Sometimes she misses cozy evenings in pairs on the sofa.And the great Asian menus Paul always cooked for them on the weekends. The diet has changed: Because Juan-David and Angie do not like vegetables so far, meat is now more often on the table.
And love, is she still there despite the excitement, the short nights and the missing time for two? "It has become stronger, more intense," says Silvia immediately. "I love my husband just as much as before, but in addition I love his unbelievable father qualities, and the way he gives a puppet show after his stressful working day, that touches me." Only sometimes a little jealousy creeps in. Like the other day when Paul gave his wife a Hubert von Goisern CD with the words: "I think they like you and the children." He could have let the kids out, she thinks.
Paul recently promised her that she would not be distracted so quickly by the kids and better listen when she spoke. She likes that. They both fought for their love. They know how important it is to look after them. Also and especially as a parent. That's why Silvia has reintroduced a regular visit to her favorite Italian. Every two weeks, they go to eat in their second living room again. In a group of four.
intercountry adoption
The main legal basis for foreign adoptions is the Hague Convention. Countries that have committed to this convention are generally serious. Recognized agencies for foreign adoptions can be found at youth welfare offices, regional youth welfare offices and social and church organizations. The website of the Federal Central Office for Foreign Adoptions (www.bundesjustizamt.de) lists the free adoption authorities. A foreign adoption costs at least 10000 Euro per child. This includes: agency fees, social report, start-up and translation costs. In addition there are expenses for the flight and the accommodation in the country of adoption. Around 900 children are adopted from abroad to Germany every year. Most of them come from Russia, followed by Ethiopia and South Africa. As a rule, parents wait two years for family reunification.
