He wants less closeness than me? can that work out?


In short: that's it. But we really have to "lead" our relationship. Now in detail: Karl has already canceled two psychotherapies because they had brought him nothing, as he means. Anna is convinced that Karl simply did not tell the therapist what is really going on in him? the way he does it with her? That's why she asked him to go to therapy because he never talks about himself and his feelings. Anna misses the closeness that arises for her through open conversations. Karl senses closeness when Anna is physically close to him. He can hardly tolerate her desire to sometimes sleep separately.

Close by talking or physical? Everyone defines it differently

Some partners have a similar need for closeness. They make as much as possible in common, or they like to live in separate flats and see each other only on weekends. Other couples, however, struggle for closeness: he desperately wants to pursue his hobbies, she fights surfboards, band rehearsals and mountain biking, because they oppose their need for more time spent together.
Proximity is the feeling of emotional equality, of connectedness. It means feeling accepted and understood.



The parental proximity shapes us into adulthood

How we experience closeness is shaped by our childhood. Could we always rely on finding closeness? Was there coldness instead of nearness? Or were our needs drowning as adults overwhelmed us with their own desire for closeness? Those who have had good experiences feel emotionally secure in relationships, and different needs for proximity can be negotiated. Heavier are those in whose childhood closeness was a problem. Either avoid closeness so as not to be disappointed.

Oskar Holzberg has been married for over 30 years and has been counseling couples for more than 20 years. He found that some sentences apply to all relationships. In each ChroniquesDuVasteMonde he introduces one of them.



© Ilona Habben

Or they can not bear to be separated from each other because they immediately fear for the relationship. And there are often couples who are made up of these two opposites: one who seeks closeness and one who distances himself more. They just became a couple about it. Because the restraint of one has intensified the other's feelings.

Different views can have a positive effect

It is always difficult when the partners do not understand each other so well. Then both unconsciously resort to their learned pattern: one seeks more closeness, the other the width. What used to be a good bridgeable difference separates the couple increasingly. The partners are mad at each other or turn away from each other. But the fears of closeness that trigger their behavior remain hidden. That's why it's important to really look at our feelings for each other, our closeness together. Fortunately, we are not condemned to live our loss and closeness fears the same way throughout life. We can learn from each other, and above all we can do it together. We can acknowledge our fears and not simply live them out reflexively in the way we are used to. Then different needs for proximity are not divisive, but even a possible ground for more closeness.



FEAR OF INTIMACY & the 5 Ways to Overcome it | Kati Morton - Love, Relationships, Dating & Sex (July 2020).



Oskar Holzberg, relationship problems