Five reasons to have sex
Desire, desire, surrender - there are moments, only lust and nothing else counts. Then we sleep with our partner, because we can not stay away from him for a single second. There are other motives in a relationship to have sex: to reconcile ourselves after a fight, to make others happy, to relax or not to be bored. On the following pages, we interviewed two experts on how ulterior motives in bed influence the partnership - the renowned sexologist and clinical psychologist Uwe Hartmann from the Hannover Medical School and the gynecologist and sexual medicine specialist Vivian Pramataroff from Munich.
"Physical and mental needs during sex can not be separated," says Pramataroff. Sometimes one side outweighs the balance, sometimes the other. "There are many reasons why we sleep together - from passion to gratitude - we are not even aware of the actual motive."
Some motivation can enrich the partnership. However, according to Uwe Hartmann, one should never forget: "Sexuality is always a barter business, and if an imbalance arises, the couple will inevitably diverge." But that also means that as long as the other's needs are not neglected, there is nothing to prevent them from doing the same thing every now and then, even though they are not pursuing the same goal ...
1. Sex to relieve stress
The one who can fully relax and disconnect during sex experiences him intensively. At the physical level, hormones such as dopamine, oxytocin, and especially prolactin during orgasm, reduce the stress cycle. "Sleeping with the partner to treat yourself to a mental and physical break is in no way reprehensible," says sex therapist Vivan Pramataroff. As a purely strategic approach, however, à la "I have stress, I need sex now!", The act is neither fulfilling, nor does this form of coping with everyday life make the partner and the relationship good. "It's often men who use sex like aspirin," explains sexologist Uwe Hartmann. "They've had a bad day, have experienced hurt and hope to get out of this lousy feeling by the physical kick." For most women, however, it works the other way round: they need to be relaxed and comfortable in order to develop sexual pleasure. "If the starting position of both partners is very different, then one side quickly feels like a means to an end." So sex becomes egotrip - and instead of comforting relaxation leads to more distance and frustration.
2. Sex to reconcile after a fight
If the relationship is based on a solid foundation and conflicts are also resolved in another way, sex can be a nice way to get along again. "According to a survey *, reconciliation is for 44 percent of women and 47 percent of men an important motive to sleep with the partner, however: Ending almost every argument in bed, harms the tense passion more than it uses. "The conclusion 'We had good sex, then everything is okay again' is one Illusion, "emphasizes Vivian Pramataroff," A quarrel always has a reason and requires a clarifying conversation. "Even if the peace sex degrades aggression - in the long term such overplayed small conflicts can grow into tangible relationship crises.
3. Sex, so as not to lose the partner
Lack and leather, anal sex or SM - it can happen that we fulfill the partner a sexual fantasy, which triggers rather skepticism instead of desire with us. After all, you do not want to be stuffy or risk leaving us for a wilder playmate. "Getting involved in experiments is not necessarily self-evident," says Uwe Hartmann. "In order to keep the love life in a relationship exciting, one must sometimes venture on new terrain." The lowest common denominator is boring in the long run. " Remains the aversion to the wishes of the partner, however, after a few test runs, clear words are announced. Those who still join in should, however, search for the reasons: "Sometimes it turns out that we do not respond to him or her for the sake of it, but that the practice addresses hidden wishes in us," says Vivian Pramataroff. "Often, unconsciously internalized norms and role expectations do not allow society to accept and enjoy this propensity as part of one's own sexuality."
4. Sex to exercise power
It is a completely normal reaction not to sleep with the partner when we are angry with him, and to "reward" him physically if we are satisfied with him.Dangerous for the relationship, it is only when sex or sex deprivation degenerated into a tool for education and power, according to the motto: "Only if you are two weeks long for me, I sleep with you." "This tactic undermines long-term trust in the partnership," says Vivian Pramataroff. However, it does not always have to have a specific strategy behind it. "Often this happens unconsciously: Anyone who learned in childhood that unwanted behavior is punished with love withdrawal, which often transfers this pattern to the relationship."
5. Sex, to make the partner happy
This motivation to sleep with someone can enrich a relationship. And that's when it's not about the accusation "That's just what I did for you", but a generous gesture. "In this case, sex is a gift that I make the other aware of - and that is something beautiful," said the sex therapist Vivian Pramataroff. However, only if the other perceives the devotion as a proof of love and appreciates accordingly. And in return, sometimes reciprocated. Because: "As nice as the pampering program for the partner may be - if your own satisfaction remains permanently on the track, this can turn into listlessness or even aversion in the long term," warns Uwe Hartmann.
Incidentally, you've often wondered what exactly is petting? You will find out here: What is petting?
