Driving in old age: Should I take my driver's license away from my parents?
"Dad, the traffic light was red, you just drove over!" -"Is that me?" -"Yes you are!" -Well, well, let's get the flowers first. "
The reaction of my then 70-year-old father was that of a man who realizes that he made a mistake that could have ended in disaster if chance had not been gracious: frightening. Mortification. Appeasement. Displace.
But the displacement did not work. Not with me, anyway.
Since my father? a man who had cared his whole life driving pedantically never to drive a little bit too fast - with exactly 49 km / h and without batting an eyelash at red drove over a pedestrian light, fortunately no pedestrian on Green waited, I did not get in his car anymore. Not even my children, that I knew how to prevent, was inconspicuous.
The steering wheel as a lifebuoy
It had long made me nervous how he drove car: leaning far forward, fixing the road as if it were a narrow path, where gaping left and right, with both hands clasped to the steering wheel like a lifebuoy.
To give driver's license? Forget it!
After the red light it was definitely too dangerous for me when he was behind the wheel. But I did not dare to say that to him. I had toyed with the idea, but my brother took the courage.
"Papa went over red yesterday without realizing it, do you think we should talk to him?" -"About what?" -"That he will soon give his driver's license." -"Forget it, he never does that voluntarily, and if he does, he'll have to come on his own."
"Driving as long as possible"
Meanwhile, my dad is 86 years old and still has not come up with the idea of volunteering to drive. My dad did not indulge in life, but a new car every five years, he insisted: the car was sucked, polished and checked, parked in a rental garage and still looked like new when it was given in cash, because the next new car was due.
His current car is the first he has been driving for seven years because he has announced that it will be his last. But he wants to keep this last car. And drive. Until it can not be done anymore, so his words.
What exactly does he mean with to-it-is-no-more, my father does not elaborate. Probably: Until he can not walk anymore. My dad can not walk very well, but he still manages to get away from the house to the car.
I pray that nothing happens
He does not drive long distances anymore, he does not drive into the crowded inner city, he does not drive daily. But he goes shopping in the district. Visit friends. To the doctor. Or pick my mother up somewhere. He drives past schools and kindergartens and cyclists, over pedestrian lights and zebra crossings and confusing intersections.
"Do you want to make your father unhappy?"
I try not to think that he does that, and when I think of it, I send a blessing to Heaven: Dear God, please do not let anything happen! God is my last hope in this matter. Even my mother is unwilling to talk my father off driving. No wonder, she does not like to shop. And never had a driver's license.
"Mom, would not it be better if Dad did not drive anymore?" - "Why should that be better, then who makes the purchases?" - "Me, for example. "-" Oh, you already have so much to do too much. Besides, now do not exaggerate. Your father is a cautious driver, I like being driven by him. "-" Well. And even if. It's not enough to be careful when others are careless: what if a child walks on the street? When you get old, the responsiveness decreases automatically. Do you want to risk such a misfortune? "-" Do you want to make your father unhappy? "
Physically prescribed driving ban - the solution?
Two years ago, I thought God understood and gave my dad an elegant exit from his long-running car racing career - one that allows him to stop driving without losing his face, without having to confess to himself and to others: I'm too old.
A doctor suspected in him a neither life-threatening nor painful, but affecting the everyday life disease. He prescribed my father a drug that would keep the disease at bay, and admonished him: "If you take that, you are not fit to drive, you must not drive!"
My father quarreled, my mother asked if we could not go shopping, my brother and I sighed with relief.After a few weeks of ostentatious sympathy with my father suffering from separation pain, we tried to bring the matter to a conclusion.
"Dad, do not you want to sell the car?" - "But maybe we still need it." - "For what?" - "Maybe one of you wants to use that." - "We have our own cars, dad, and that only costs when it's around." Tax, insurance, garage rent. "Alone of the money you save when you no longer have to pay, you can drive a taxi three times a week. " - "I'll keep the car for a while. "-" But not because you want to drive it again, right? The doctor said, you can not do that anymore! "-" Let's wait and see. "
My brother and I waited for months. We drove alternately with my father to the supermarket, my father did not sell the car. #
He refused to continue talking about the subject. He looked at the ceiling when we started it and said nothing except, "Yes, yes, um, well." My mother said, "I can not say anything about that, it's his car."
We gave up. If it was so important for his peace of mind to continue to feel like a car owner, then that was just how it was, everyone has their quirks. We forgot the car. Until the day my brother called our parents to arrange the next shopping visit with them, and my mother said:
"Not necessary, dad has already gone shopping." - "Are you crazy?" - "No. He dropped the drug." - "Did the doctor allow that?" - "Yes." - "Did he allow dad to drive again?" - "Yes." - "I can not believe it!" "Why is it nice that he can go shopping alone, that's a big burden for you." - "Is not it!" - "Helga was with us last week, she also said she would not let herself be banned from driving."
Helga is my mother-in-law, from time to time she and my parents invite each other for coffee. Helga is 87. She is very energetic, and unlike my dad, she is as fit as if she had decided to quit aging at the age of 70. Unlike my mother, she has a driver's license. Helga also still drives a car, to girlfriends, to the double head, to the hairdresser, to the cinema, to the theater, to the country, and that very confidently.
None of us would think of trying to stop them. And no one would have thought that she could incite my father to start again.
"I drive car to the grave."
"Helga, what was that, we were so happy that father did not drive anymore!" - What is that to you? "-" Well, I am his daughter. "-" And your father is probably old enough to decide for himself. My opinion. And I do not keep up with the mountain. Not even to please you. "-" But he can not drive as well as you, he is a danger, for himself and, even worse, for others! "-" Such a nonsense, my child. You also do not forbid your son from driving, 19-year-olds are doing much more accidents than old people. Just do not get the idea to want to take away my driver's license at some point. "-" We did not take away his driver's license. "-" Oh, but something like that. I drive a car, as long as I want, write this behind your ears. And to the grave, if it's up to me. "
My brother, my husband, my sister-in-law and I have surrendered now. We have no chance against the ferro-concrete pro-car alliance of our parents.
A question of dignity?
Maybe they are right with their refusal, their mobility and thus their independence? yes, also their dignity? to sacrifice reason and safety. Or maybe they are not right. And maybe I'll do it the way she does, when the time comes.
For safety's sake, I continue to pray for all of us.
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