Death of the partner

Martina Nicolaidis lost her husband in 1997 due to a car accident. She was 29 years old, her daughter six weeks old. She founded the Nicolaidis Foundation, which cares nationwide for young widowed mothers and fathers.

M. Nicolaidis, 35, Managing Director of the Nicolaidis Foundation for Widowed People

ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: How did you survive the first time after your husband's death?

Martina Nicolaidis: For me, a world had collapsed. I felt like a living dead, but she had to continue to exist for her daughter. I started to create structures, go shopping, make an appointment.

ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: Could you talk to outsiders about your feelings, your pain?

Martina Nicolaidis: I have told everyone, whether he wanted to hear it or not, about my pain. This was a big help for me, because by talking I slowly groped my way to the idea that he was really dead. My mind knew it, but my heart did not follow. After three months, I sensed that some people around me were expecting me to stop suffering so much. They made me feel like I had to start living again. At this point, however, one begins to grasp the unbelievable.

ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: After the death of your husband, was there an organization you could turn to?

Martina Nicolaidis: I wanted to hear how others manage to deal with the loss. However, I could not find such an organization for young widows throughout Germany. Then I called together with two other widowed from my community, the first self-help group to life.

ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: How many young widows and widowers do you estimate exist?

Martina Nicolaidis: According to the Federal Statistics Office, there are 300,000 young widows and widowers aged between 20 and 49 years. We assume another 300,000 unmarried victims. In total, there are about 600,000 young widows and widowers in Germany. Women are affected much more often by the death of the partner, there are about three times as many widows as widowers.

ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: What services do you have?

Martina Nicolaidis: We provide emotional and social support as well as financial and legal advice. Our services include self-help groups, intensive individual care, leisure programs and holiday offers for families, children and adolescents, as well as funeral seminars and lectures. Networking with other institutions is important to us, so we cooperate with university facilities, therapists and other mourning professionals.

ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: How to help children deal with grief?

Martina Nicolaidis: The child is allowed to see that one is sad and desperate. However, one should always tell him that sadness refers to death and has nothing to do with it. Children often feel guilty because, for example, they argue with their father or mother before death. It is very important to teach children that no one is to blame. Children often handle their grief in the game. Adults are frightened when children re-enact the funeral. However, it is advisable to clearly give the children permission to speak about the deceased whenever they wish. Children have a very good sense of when the adult does not want to be confronted with the subject, and then retire. It can also be helpful if children come together with other children who have also lost their father or mother. We offer a group in which the children experience that they are not alone in their situation.

ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: When is the topic of new partnership, new love important for those affected?

Martina Nicolaidis: Many can not stand the loneliness and hope to bridge it through a new partnership. But for now, it's important to regain your own position in life in order to really be ready for a new partnership. Because for the new partner, it is almost impossible to meet the expectations that are placed on him. He should continue where he left off with the deceased, he should be partner and father or mother at the same time and also have much understanding for the grief of the family.

ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: Mourn men and women differently?

Martina Nicolaidis: Men often have not learned to express their feelings. In addition, men experience that their environment is overwhelmed by emotional outbursts. For women, the death of the partner often means career change. They build a new life with a lot of power.

ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: Do you see any sense in what you had to experience?

Martina Nicolaidis: I can give hope to others that there are ways out of these difficult times, and encourage them to continue their lives. I have suffered so much, it must be good for something.