Courage to live
Psychologist Tom Diesbrock (42) has been working as a coach, supervisor and trainer in Hamburg for ten years.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: If today's day is talked about the future, it's mostly about fears and collateral, such as on the subject of work and pension. Being courageous in life without being careless - do you think that we are far too rare?
Tom Diesbrock: Yes! As important as it is to provide for your own safety - as soon as I'm not exposed to an immediate threat, so the saber-toothed tiger is in front of me, I can always really dare something new. Today we have objectively as much security as never before. Nevertheless, we believe that the saber-toothed tiger stood in front of us. Characteristic of our society is a phenomenon that is referred to in psychology as "learned helplessness": Any difficulty we face, we immediately assess as threatening our existence. When I find a situation so threatening, archaic stress mechanisms come into action: I get the tunnel vision and no longer see my possibilities.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: If we find change so difficult, what does it mean to be brave?
Tom Diesbrock: Before I change anything, I should ask myself: What is important to me in life, what corresponds to my personal values? That sounds banal, but is lived by the fewest people. We focus too much on instant CVs, meaning that we are too busy fulfilling certain life models. For me, courage means above all to contrast one's own personality and to think about what is important to me.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: For most people the job is very important and many are dissatisfied with their job situation. How do I know it's time to change that?
Tom Diesbrock: I like to ask my clients if they want to do their current job at the age of 65. When they open their eyes in horror and "No!" call, then they should change something. What many people do not want to admit: The job is no longer fixed, I must - as an employee - permanently own management and self-marketing operate. Everyone who has a job should behave like a self-employed person. For example, I can set up my own career plan, in which aspects such as the development of my skills and knowledge, but also visions and dreams, as well as the development of the industry in which I work, play a role. On the basis of this plan, I should always consider where I want to change something - not only if the job stinks me right.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: That sounds good in theory, but in practice it is not so easy to enforce changes in the professional environment. Suppose I made a suggestion to my boss that he rejects - how do I handle this setback?
Tom Diesbrock: If I have room for further negotiations, I should avoid arguing on the defensive. That is, I should talk to others about the problem and, with the help of additional information - from the outsiders and from the negative initial conversation with the supervisor - to work out a new proposal. Deal with the boss as with a customer: your idea is a new product, for which you now have to design a different strategy.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: Let's talk about love. Why is it important for lasting relationship happiness to dare something new?
Tom Diesbrock: Many people tend to unlearn curiosity about others. This is dangerous for partnerships. The longest are relationships in which the partners always discover something new together.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: How could such a rediscovery look like?
Tom Diesbrock: The "system relationship" has to keep moving, there is no blanket strategy. It is about discovering the unknown in the familiar, because the familiar is boring. Partners who do a lot together should consider their own projects, and couples who share few activities can do something in common. This can be a hobby, for example, or a trip to an unknown country. Also important: keep in conversation, and really listen to each other. To face dissatisfaction and have the courage to say "we have to change something" is already half the battle, by the way.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: Which Strategy Can Singles Get More Courage for a Relationship?
Tom Diesbrock: One aspect seems to me to be particularly important here: the picture that I have of myself. Again and again in conversations with clients and acquaintances, they think 'I can not get one off because I am too unsportsmanlike, too small, too fat', and believe that they have to do this or that to please them - and they do but do not feel like it.The consequence: They settle in their own lives so that there is no room for someone else. This mechanism should be made clear first.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: Are There Situations Where Courage Too New Is Not Such A Good Idea?
Tom Diesbrock: If he comes out of the affect, for example, if I spontaneously want to punch my boss in or end my relationship, out of the feeling 'now I'll do something right Dolles'. Change is work that takes time, with a "Chaka!" it is not done.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: But life does not change?
Tom Diesbrock: We are constantly exposed to mini-crises. When I perceive and tackle them, I live in a healthy process of growth and change. If I ignore the small crises of everyday life, it comes at some point to a deep crisis. Permanent small changes are important, and then I do not need big ones - this applies to the job as well as to the love.