Controversial culture: Have we forgotten how to argue?

Constructive dispute - not so easy!

It's that time again. I lie on the bed and type energetically in my phone. My husband and I have quarreled until just now. After my totally logical reasoning, why I'm going to hang on his socks lying on the coffee table sometime, I stormed out of the room. And while the fight is over for him, I have long since rung round two. About WhatsApp. I type a monologue, which is admittedly so long that you have to scroll. Where it's no longer about clothes, but (quite pathetically) about what they symbolize. I hate his mess. Long time. And that he makes no effort there. Not even for my sake! Why do not I just go over and yell at him constructively like I used to? I do not know.



Shouting by Chat: The culture of debate is different nowadays

"Because we argue differently today," says the psychologist Philipp Yorck Herzberg of the Helmut Schmidt University in Hamburg. The fact that we prefer to "yell" at our partner over a chat session instead of looking him in the eye, has become the symptom of a new disgruntledness. Due to the limitless digital communication, the dispute has no more limited space. It can always and everywhere, but never really. And it offers room for innumerable misunderstandings, which in turn stir up new anger. We can ignore the other ("Did not read your message"), just interrupt a quarrel ("I'm in the meeting") or play with the other monologues. We feel offended because we misunderstand what we write or because WhatsApp both check blue but no answer.



The supreme discipline of the "digital dispute culture" is the ghosting. Instead of, for example, conducting a grueling separation talk, we simply cut the person out of our lives overnight by ignoring any contact. One of the most passive-aggressive forms of strife ever and another sign of our incapacity to fight. On the other hand, in the age of mindfulness, we learn more than ever to be careful with one another. To see the opponent never only as an enemy, but with a benevolent eye. How does that work?

Harmony - we are no longer used to dealing with conflicts

Sosan Azad is chairwoman of the Federal Association of Mediation and has been a dispute mediator for more than 15 years: "Today, quarreling is taught at the day care center, and it continues in the school, at university, in the job, which has improved our conflict resolution styles and negotiating skills." This leads to an unprecedented harmony - basically a good thing - but the problem is that tangible conflicts are nipped in the bud. "We are no longer used to dealing with them," says Azad. It all starts at the playground: When two children bum around sand molds, the mediation mothers rush in immediately. "You have to ask, you can share, do not hit, make a ...!"



Harmony increases the aggressiveness

In adulthood things continue: During the day in the office, discussants are considered exhausting. In the evening the Newsfeed shoots us with mindfulness tips and "Keep Calm" -posts. The result: Harmony becomes pressure - but it also has to discharge somewhere. The fact that aggression increases at the same time is no longer a paradox. Occupational and political insecurity are more pressing than ever. And stress makes you thin-skinned. The Think: We are many, I want to get ahead, if necessary even with extended elbows. Best example: waiting room. According to a 2017 survey, every second doctor has weekly aggressive patients. Bodily injuries against employees of Deutsche Bahn increased from 966 cases in 2012 to 2374 in 2016. Because the courts under the load of Harken swinging and collapse with the garden hose collapse neighbors, the "FAZ" has declared the neighborhood dispute to popular sport.

Find the dispute balance

Harmony on the one hand and aggressiveness on the other. Some are no longer used to conflicts, the others can only freak out. Constructive conflict becomes a scarce commodity. He is essential. Arguing is the driving force for our troubleshooting, for new perspectives, for social and individual progress. Or very simple: friction generates tension. So how do we find our dispute balance again? "By disassociating ourselves from the idea that quarrels are something fundamentally negative, what should be avoided," says Herzberg. But this rethinking creates a completely different attitude. And that sometimes you can freak out, instead of making confused "I" messages on relationship correct. "Never take your socks off, you ass!" is then probably allowed again. Sure, quarreling is exhausting and does not fit well with our through-life, but it creates liveliness.And nothing is better than that.

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WhatsApp, Kita, Hamburg, Conflict, Conflict Talk, Relationship Conflict