Change the partner - is that possible?
You hear again and again: "He's grown, you can not change it anymore." Is that correct?
"No", says the Hamburg psychotherapist Karim Hashim: "We can always change others." However, the prerequisite is that the people with whom we start change projects should be close to us - old friends, for example, or the new friend.
But in love relationships, change is particularly difficult?
Because we wait too long. "You have to forge a partner while he's hot," advises the Berlin psychotherapist and author Dr. Ing. Wolfgang Kruger. In other words, we should talk straight from the start if the loved one injures us or crosses our borders. The chance of meeting an open ear and an open heart is great then. Even if you often overlook the quirks of the partner in the Wolkesieben phase, you should now look very carefully. Because most women feel early on, at which points it will eventually hook. Incidentally, the "change from the beginning" principle also works for new friends or work colleagues.
However, experience teaches you to ask your partner to be punctual or to clean up - and nothing happens
Do not bite on such trifles. Imagine that everyone has three change requests for the other. Women who then relocate to everyday mothballs have quickly shot off their powder. "With the small ram tactic real changes are even prevented," says the Trierer couple therapist Stefanie steel. She has often found that partners then put all on Durchzug.
And how are you doing better?
With a desire for change you should always start with the relationship, never the person: If your partner is locked, you never criticize him directly for it. Tell him what you would like differently. For example, that it's important for you to talk to him about the relationship every few weeks. He will probably find that silly, but still say yes. Because he does it for you both.
But I do not want to raise my love relationship like a long, dull psycho-conversation.
You do not need that either. Short and precise is better than hours of lamentation and psychologization. It's more about finding a meta-level where you can talk about the relationship by far. After the motto: When the computer hangs, I go into the control panel. Even if you blame your partner for being in love - do not tell him that in that way. Because he will change much more if it is a relationship project.
The idea is good. Are there any more tangible tips on how to influence other people?
Some. But first you have to create fundamentals. First Rule: Make other people feel good. No matter if neighbors, bosses or girlfriends, it brings a lot to praise others, to respond to them. Psychologists speak of "narcissistic serving" others. You can then ask others for a favor, make mistakes, or win plans.
And what do I do if I want others to do something for me, that my colleague take my work off?
It is helpful to learn a few sleight-of-hand tricks for such situations. The "jump in the record" is one thing: no matter what your colleague uses - insist that this task must be done by her. But be careful: you have to practice this before, especially in the job. Private is different, because you can experiment with trial and error tactics. Simple and popular is then, for example, the "dumb game". Tell your partner that he gets the goulash a lot better, he often uses the cooking spoon.
Is that allowed to manipulate that?
"It's all a matter of dose," says the Bochum psychology professor Rainer Sachse. He distinguishes between positive and negative manipulations. Positive are, for example, praise or humor. They are harmless - but not as effective as the negative: press the lacrimal gland, be offended. Used in homeopathic doses, they can do a lot. Those who resort too often to such means, however, becomes a drama queen - and poison the relationship climate.
Do women manipulate more than men?
No, on the contrary. A new Dutch study shows that men are even the better strategists - their funds are just more hidden. The men interviewed in the study repeatedly said that they simply ignore their partner's criticisms, so things are running out. Another tactic is to argue until women are gone. Women, on the other hand, try it with pleas and tentative hints and are therefore unsuccessful. The sad conclusion of the study director Aafke Komter: Women are often disadvantaged in families and relationships and therefore have more change interest. Everything is okay for the men.And those who do not want to change anything can let others run casual.
