Cesarean section without anesthetic: "I will never forget this pain"
My little daughter is an absolute wish child. When I was pregnant, a new era began for my friend and myself. We were immensely looking forward to becoming parents, and I enjoyed every day of my pregnancy. The little people in my stomach we lovingly called blueberry and we could hardly wait for the day of the birth of our little blueberry. Luckily we did not know what to expect at that time. Did I worry about the birth before? Honestly, not a bit. I am an optimistic person and did not want to go crazy.
From the beginning undignified
But this birth was not a walk from the beginning. I had unbearable pain for many hours, the PDA brought no relief. After 26 hours of labor, I asked for a caesarean section with a heavy heart. I wanted so much a natural birth, but I realized that I had no strength left. I was relieved when the midwife, who spoke very little to me, finally called in the senior physician. But she just looked at me severely between my legs and said she did not understand my logic. It would be nonsensical to spend five days longer in the hospital instead of giving birth naturally. At that point, I had no choice but to discuss logic. The first words of the senior doctor intimidated me tremendously. Tears came to my eyes because I did not feel heard. I had been trying to give birth to my child for a long time, but I was exhausted.
I could not fight back against the Kristeller handle
Instead of talking to me and listening to me, the senior doctor suddenly lay down on me and pushed down my stomach with all her weight, while I should also press. I knew very well what she was doing. We talked about this practice, the Kristellerhandgriff, during the birth preparation course. Although we were told that it should not be used anymore, I did not have the strength to defend myself. I was just terrified that the weeping drip would be even higher. Such a feeling of extradition until then was only known to me from nightmares. After finally realizing that my child would not make it out of the birth canal, I only felt relief. Trembling all over, I was pushed into the operating room. My friend was not allowed to join. "We'll get the little one out in my shift," I heard the voice of the senior doctor dully from afar. I did not know yet what this intention would do.
I felt the cut
The attempt to insert the large surgical catheter caused me tremendous pain. I kept saying that to the doctor, squeezing my legs together. She pulled her violently apart again and put down the catheter. The anesthesiologist injected the PDA, then I was pinched in the upper part of my abdomen. I immediately said that hurt me. "Wait a minute," I heard the voice of the anesthesiologist. But the next moment I already felt the cut in the lower part of my stomach. I was completely at the mercy of the pain and the fear and could not fight back. I cried over and over again that I felt everything, but the senior doctor did not stop. Her only reaction: "The stomach is already open now." I could no longer see properly, I was dizzy with pain, as from afar I heard my daughter screaming at some point. A scream that I could not do myself.
I thought that I had died
Then I must have injected a medicine, because my view window began to blur. My eyes twisted and I had to close them. The voices around me became louder and louder. I saw colorful patterns and colors and had to think about my daughter, whom I had just heard screaming. I really wanted to know what had happened, where my daughter was and my friend. My thoughts were filled with panic and it was just scared that I felt. My body feeling dissolved, I had no body boundaries, could no longer think and flew through different levels, no longer knew who I am, where I am, what I am. Everything was just a river of colors and sounds. I was sure: I am dead.
The first thing I saw again was the anesthetist who looked over my head. I asked him what that was and he just said, "Yes, that was awesome, was not it?"
Part of me was torn out of me that day
When, hours later, I finally held my daughter in my arms, I thought I was on my own. It was as if they had pulled me out of myself.There was no feeling of happiness, but rather it frightened me, this child on my arm, that should be mine! It also took a few hours until I could see clearly again with both my eyes and was back to reality. I could not rejoice that this longed-for child was born in the world. I did as the sisters told me, but my feelings were not those of a happy mother.
Past and not over
Today I love my daughter with all my heart. She is now one year old and we have a wonderful relationship. Nevertheless nightmares follow me night after night. Whether my daughter will ever get a sibling? I dont know. Even though the caesarean scar has long since faded, the wounds of my soul are far from healed.
Editor's note: In a few weeks, a court will decide on the case. We wish Sarah a lot of strength for the process.
