Am I like that? Or completely different?
At first I was just astonished, then angry. An old friend and I had talked about life, which sometimes allows for a retrospective look after 40 years, and I admitted to some doubts and disappointments. He obviously had not expected that. "You're never in doubt with your fat self-esteem and enviable optimism, I've never seen you in a weak moment," he said casually. Zack! Since I had missed a label again: Supergirl, the Teflon woman, on which everything slides, which retains control in all circumstances. How could this man, who ought to know me better, have such a distorted picture of me!
Everybody has experienced something like that before. And everyone knows the feeling: I do not want these labels anymore, they do not do me justice. Already in childhood do we miss such labels or miss them ourselves? until we are glued as full as an old-fashioned suitcase with all the colorful labels from foreign countries. At a young age, we take the labels; Some even help us to find our identity.
The self-image is a mixture of wishes and projections
But at some point we start to think about ourselves. We become curious about the complex, dazzling creature that has lost itself in everyday life, want to rediscover and redefine us? and we have to work through a real scrub: the spoilsport and the overambitious, the vile and the eternal victim, the critic and the fashion slave, the chatterbox and the party girl, the helpful and the bitch. , , What do these unity figures have to do with us? They are not completely nonsensical, says the psychologist and psychotherapist Dr. med. Eva Wlodarek: "Of course, labels come from somewhere, mostly from childhood, and there's always something in it." A shy, sensitive child is certainly not called 'The Wild', and behind the label 'The Nerd' is definitely not a girl always forget the homework. "
Particularly persistent are the characterizations of the parents, their children? consciously or unconsciously? demarcate, want to exercise control. I was first the "clown", then the "difficult child" and later the "black sheep"? Of course, the place of the "good" older daughter, who seldom rebelled, had already occupied my sister. And so one label followed the other; "unruly teenager", "unadjusted young woman" to "hippie". At the time, I felt very well in this drawer. Of course, labels are not the result of detailed character studies, but rather a kind of practical code that should signal to others who they are in front of them. And we too are guided by it ourselves. In case you ask us, "Quick, tell me who and how you are, in one sentence", we have an answer that is a mixture of old pictures, other people's own wishes and projections.
But with which of these do we really identify? Which category is most important to us? Family, job, talent, character traits? "I am a good mother" or "I am a loyal colleague," says one proud. "I can draw very nicely" or "I am truth-loving," someone else explains. Such characterizations are always associated with values and judgments that us? usually still from our parents? that's why they last so long. And this applies to the once promoted "positive" as well as for the despised "negative" pages that are typed into labels: the "troublemaker" or even the eternally childlike "sunshine". To refute such fixed opinions is difficult, explains Eva Wlodarek. When the "peace-loving girl" suddenly becomes unbearable, the environment reacts with horror and criticism, and when the aggressive teenager suddenly becomes sensitive, he is ignored or laughed at, and the new role is not believed.
The self-image of a fighter can be helpful
Many do not realize how the labels we and others give us determine our way of life. How much influence they have on which occupation we choose, who we marry and how we act in everyday life. "With positive labels, we also set ourselves a standard, and then a self-fulfilling prophecy comes into play," says Eva Wlodarek. "Our belief in a label, not the label itself, gives it the power to influence our behavior."
Some labels are like a wound, others are used as a plaster. Anyone who really thinks he has "two left hands" will not handle any sewing, and the "bourgeois" banker will not want to pull a crazy artist ashore. "On the other hand, labels like 'I'm a fighter' can be helpful," says the psychologist.
Twenty-five years ago, I moved to New York without knowing anyone, and only with little money and a suitcase in my hand.And just because I clung to the rather sophisticated label "I'm a winner" like a drowning man on the lifebuoy, the years there have been exciting and relatively successful.
Of course, we are all inventive designers and we tweak our image until it pleases us. And of course labels are used as a corset, for self-expression and as protection? they are there, too. So I know a nice couple who likes to emphasize his "social commitment"? maybe to distract from attack surfaces. And of the acquaintance who cheats himself through life as a "charming Casanova", I know that he basically despises women. And even if the inventors and wearers of such labels do not want to deliberately deceive their environment? in the end, they are wrapped up to immobility like a mummy.
It's all well and good, if you supposedly uncomplicated emanates as with neon letters "With me you can steal horses", but who sees behind the innovative intellectuals? And anyway: Why can not a great mother not be both an erotic beauty and a hobby footballer and the annoying Meckerliese not at the same time hip hop fan and a fighter for human rights?
Labels are okay, if you do not take them too seriously, but according to your mood. A luxury our mothers and grandmothers barely had. The women were then wedged into the tailor costume of the 50s, and very many tippelten only in the role of the housewife through life. "To stay with the fashion analogy: We are far too versatile and multi-faceted to only perform in uniform clothing," says Eva Wlodarek. "Perfection is a bit boring, just like a stylish outfit by just one designer, where everything fits together and fits perfectly, it's much more original and exciting to mix different style elements, and so does the personality."
This playful approach helps to reduce fears of losing a familiar image. "We do not have to give up labels right away," says Eva Wlodarek. "The contrast program is important so that the other sides of the personality can also be shown and lived out, and one should not be deterred, even if one irritates or surprises others with it."
And that happens with the most beautiful regularity. Because not only we are stuck to the labels, the environment also loves them. If we change the "good old self", or at least what it claims to be, striking, is there seldom praise? Much more common are silence, rejection and scolding. Even friends, partners and family block us with the sentence "I liked you before but dear!" always the way. Mostly not, because our changes are actually bad, but because the saboteurs themselves are frozen in a role and are terrified of change. "You can say calmly to your friends: I serve the label, but please check it out occasionally and you should look behind it yourself," says Eva Wlodarek.
It takes courage to question your own self-image now and then
Of course, courage is needed to question the image of yourself from time to time? especially if it is flattering. And most of them do not separate themselves from a false label until they have become a straitjacket. But not everyone is looking for the true self and the authentic center. "Some even take their labels to the grave at the end," says Eva Wlodarek. And that's tragic, because you can win the game with your own personality. We can let go of any attached identity without losing ourselves. And this knowledge gives us more security than money, power or beauty.
