Face and décolleté full of scars, the left eye destroyed, one ear etched away. In the first weeks after her ex-boyfriend's acid attack, Vanessa Münstermann did not think she'd ever find a partner who could love her like that. Meanwhile, today's 30-year-old mum of a small daughter and wants to marry in the fall of her childhood sweetheart. Now she has written a book about acid attack and her life after. "I do not want to hide" is the title of her autobiography, in which she tells of the relationship with the perpetrator Daniel F., but also of nightmares, the first look in the mirror, the rehab, the trial and the fear of the end of the Prison sentence.

The act happened shortly after she broke up with Daniel F. He attacked her on the street on February 15, 2016. The Hanover district court sentenced F. to 12 years in prison for deliberate, serious bodily harm.

BARBARA: What happened on the morning of the acid attack?

Vanessa Muenstermann: I was out in the morning with my beagle lady when suddenly my ex-boyfriend Daniel F. came out of the bushes. With the words "I'm going to jail anyway" he tipped a liquid in my face.

What was in your mind right now?

I did not straighten that something really bad happened. I knew it would not be water that he poured into my face, but I did not realize I was in a coma because of it. I still wanted to go to work. But the lady who helped me then said, "You're not going anywhere" and called the ambulance. I did not know what happened to me at all. In a bullet wound you put on a pressure bandage. For liquids, you do not know how to react.

Does the acid not cause severe pain?

No not at all. The acid was so strong that the nerve fibers were dead instantly. My professor explained it to me later: If you put an egg in a hot pan, the protein structures will tip over immediately. And that happened to my skin that morning. There were simply no nerve fibers left that could transmit pain to the brain.

But the woman who called the ambulance also saw right away that something was wrong?

Apparently. In retelling, I was told it looked as if someone had dumped a green paint bucket in my face.

In the hospital, you should not look at you for a long time. They even hung the mirrors. How was it for you? Did not you really want to know what happened to your face?

The station I lay on is like a glass box. I did not have a proper mirror, but of course I tried to catch a glimpse of my reflection in a different form and, when it got dark, to reflect myself in the panes. So I already had an idea of ​​what I look like.

How bad was it when you first looked in a right mirror?

Well, I was so intoxicated with morphine, so with mood blur, and they have stunned all feelings. The first emotions actually came in the rehab, when I sat alone in my room and could think about everything.

While other people who experience bad things crawl and quarrel with their fate, you are a very open and positive person. Where do you get the power from?

Actually, that is a sort of defiance reaction. I just did not want Daniel to have power over me and destroy me. Ultimately, there are only two options: carry on or give up. If I had given up, he would have got exactly what he wanted. But also the campaign "We love Vanessa", where donations were collected for me, the website and the blog on which I was encouraged, the people who believed in me. I did not want to disappoint. So I just had to believe in myself. But also family and friends? it's like a puzzle put together. Those who crawl must break their vicious circle in their heads. People are basically good and not evil. Of course, there are also negative experiences. The positive outweighs however.

In the rehab period you also had very depressive moments ...

I still have them today. But the rehab was a very intense time. Finally, I was alone with my thoughts for the first time. Since the sheet has turned again. But there have always been other people who helped me get through this.

During the rehab, did you initially feel that there is a divided world? that of the sick and the healthy. Where do you see yourself?

Yes, that's so absurd. At first I felt the same way, but then I opened my eyes and realized that this is nonsense. There is no such sick and healthy world, because every person has their problems and has to cope with them.

Those who perceive this separation as such in society feel quite comfortable in their role as victims. I also look after many sufferers who see it that way. They do not want to get out. They say they want, but have not yet decided. This is comparable to women who experience domestic violence but still stay with their partner.

It is often a process that needs to be run through, and of course it is always a question of what type of person you are. Am I someone to be taken by the hand or can I do it on my own? I also needed this process, although I'm a very defiant guy. That helped too.

How are you today, three years after the fact? Are you still under treatment and do you have to undergo more surgery?

There are many things that are not as they should be. I can not stretch my neck, I can not close my eyes and I have no ear. These are reconstructions that have to be made. But I want to wait until my daughter is big enough to understand what's going on with her mom. After that, I want to get back into normality, that means maybe make the lip contour, or the eyebrow. My professor would probably continue to operate for years, so that I almost look normal again. But if I have the strength, is a very different matter.

The perpetrator, Daniel F. threatened you out of jail and wrote you letters. Is he still looking for contact with you?

The letters he sends me are now being intercepted. Now he writes directly to different media. He also wants to be heard and explain his point of view. Unfortunately, he still does not understand what he has done there.

... which is also part of the personality disorder that was diagnosed with him.

Exactly. It was only during the trial that his 27 criminal records came to light and that he was already a child in psychiatry.

But neither his ex-girlfriend nor the parents of Daniel F. have warned you about him?

No, no one warned me about that, they were glad that they were getting rid of him.

You have become aware of many things in hindsight, even though he has treated you badly during your relationship. If you describe the time with Daniel in the book, one wonders why you did not go much earlier.

Yes, there's nothing nice to talk about: I was just as stupid as bread. Very easily.

Daniel F. is expected to be released in nine years. Are there any measures that protect you and your family from it?

Unfortunately not. A victim is not protected in Germany. Security detention was refused. He also does not want to be treated: in his view, is he finally healthy? and you can not force him either.

© hannover.contex 4.0 / Arp

You have founded an association that helps other burn victims and acid victims. How exactly does the association work look like?

The work of my club AusGezeichnet. e.V., is very diverse. Those affected call us and tell us what they need. This goes from rescue packages with salves and bandages to personal care at the bedside. Many just do not want to be alone, talk and socialize with someone who looks just like them.

Currently, I look after 15 people who take advantage of me, of course, with varying degrees of intensity. I usually talk to those who come fresh every day because they are still at the very beginning. The ones I've been looking after for three years and who are doing well do not need me that much anymore. For me, sharing with other people is at least as important as for themselves. That's my form of therapy.

Before, you worked as a beautician. A profession in which the exterior is particularly important. How has your beauty ideal changed?

Basically it's just a mess because I had to be beautiful as a beautician. Of course, to sell the products, I also had to wear and advertise them. Today I can be ugly. This is a kind of liberation, not always having to be more beautiful. No one can match the beauty ideal every day anew. That does not work. I can now just out in jogging pants and people think "My God, what does it look like?", But I can also kick with an evening dress at the door and they still think the same. It makes no difference to me.

In the meantime you love yourself more than before the attack?

You have to stop criticizing yourself. If you ask a hundred people, if they find you beautiful, there are always some who find you puking. So you can not do it, you can not stand the pressure. And the most important person you have to like is yourself. And you have to get there. The doubt is always in ourselves. The others are not evil, in the end all people want to be loved. But why does someone else have to love you? Who is he that he can judge whether you are beautiful or not, whether you are adorable or not? Just be a little more defiant to everything negative, then the positive comes all by itself!

"I do not want to hide" by Vanessa Münstermann was published by Rowohlt Taschenbuch Verlag in February 2019 and costs 9.99 euros.

German woman severely disfigured in an acid attack by African ex-boyfriend. (May 2024).